It’s been a good day.
Nothing too crazy happened, but I found myself doing all of the things I used to do daily last year.
I went to a spin class, spent the day off my phone, ran some errands, and spent three hours finally finishing Beyond Codependency – a book I started in June.
I can’t even put in to words how refreshed I feel. My cat died a few days ago and today is the first day I’ve started to feel like myself again. It’s been a heavy week.
I’ve been replaying all my old memories of her while simultaneously dealing with the loneliness that’s come along with it. I didn’t just lose my cat, I lost my best friend.
She left when I needed her most too.
I dove in to this earlier this week, but my romantic life has found itself at a halt I didn’t anticipate. I’m in a place where I’m feeling a little lost there and all I’ve wanted is to lay with my cat and sulk. Instead, I’ve been sulking alone. It was especially hard the first two days without her because all of my personal issues were coming to the surface at the same time. I just wanted my best friend to comfort me.
However, like I said, today is the first day I’ve felt like myself again.
I went to my first spin class in eight months today – I was little nervous, but I surprised the fuck out of myself. I still got it.
I haven’t actually exercised since February because of my unhealthy relationship to it but wow, after today, I feel ready to jump back in full swing. I looked at my body in the mirror when I got home and I loved what I saw. I saw the body I’ve been chilling with this past year and didn’t see anything I wanted to change anymore. I mean, of course we all want to be in shape, but after four years of internal torture over how my body looks, I can’t believe I’m able to just exercise as a release. Not for any physical gains, but for the pure mental clarity it gives me.
I lost my gym key tag a few months back and I’m half-tempted to drive up there tomorrow to get a new one. I forgot how much of an endorphin high exercise gives you – I was more productive today than I’ve been in months and without an ounce of stress. I even did tasks I’ve been putting off for weeks like getting my car washed and cashing in my coin jar. I went out for groceries today and once I got home, I was ready to dive in to my online class.
I haven’t talked about this on here yet, but I registered for two online courses this year – an interpersonal communication class and a writing skills class. They’re non-credit and I don’t really get any physical recognition from them, but I’ve had an itch to learn again. Thing is, I don’t want to take courses that I ‘have’ to take in order to get to the classes I actually want to take. I don’t care about the degree, I just want the enrichment of expanding my mind for an hour or two.
Anyway, I thought my communication course started today but I had the date wrong. I found myself in such a learning mood though that I broke out Beyond Codependency and took some notes on the last half of the book. I spent three hours just scrounging through all of the material. I’ve been on and off reading that book for months and I can’t believe I finally finished it. The last few chapters applied perfectly to my current situation as well and it was nothing but comforting.
I actually feel a million times better about my non-relationship than I did earlier this week.
I felt hurt the other day because in my mind, I was ready for something and couldn’t understand why things changed so drastically.
I see now though that we’re all going through our own shit. We all have our own unique set of issues and most of the time, they have nothing to do with other people. They solely have to do with us.
I spent the past few days feeling frustrated because I didn’t understand what I wanted out of this relationship nor what my guy did either. We’ve said our wants and needs and yet, things didn’t feel that simple. I realize now they never are, but all I can do is take care of my own side of the street.
As I said on Wednesday, I know I want to feel secure in my next relationship and most of all, I want my next ‘relationship’ to be an actual relationship. I don’t want casual flings or nights spent up wondering what we are. I want to know the person I’m with is someone I’m with.
I guess we could call this a new boundary I’m setting. The thing about boundaries though is that they’re hard to stick to when you’re first starting off.
We become so used to our old habits that as soon as an old trigger comes up, we’re wired to act like we always have. It’s in those moments that we have to catch ourselves and see if what we’re about to do lines up with what we actually want.
I’ve already had a few almost slip-ups.
I keep reminding myself of the new boundary but once the night hits, I tend to hit my weakest point. It’s at night when I tend to push my boundaries aside and go ‘what the hell.’
I’m happy to say though that this is easily the most successful I’ve been in setting boundaries thus far. I actually feel completely done with my past behavior – exhausted, annoyed, over it. I’ve been in the same relationship cycle for years and I’m tired of selling myself short when I know I’m worth the real thing.
I just feel empowered right now, I don’t know how else to put it.
The thing about boundaries too is they aren’t telling anyone else they need to change, they’re simply setting a clear line between what you will and won’t put up with anymore.
In the past, I’ve had trouble sticking to my boundaries because I feel that I’m offending someone else for essentially making them out to be wrong. I see now though that no one is wrong. We’re all just in different parts of our journey and without boundaries, we won’t find the people who are in the same place we are. We’ll end up settling for less than we deserve or jump through hoops for people who wouldn’t do the same for us.
I feel such a sense of ease about the whole thing.
I still have feelings for that guy, sure, but we’re just in different phases – that’s completely okay. He can do him and I can do me. We can follow our own personal truths and see where we end up from there. Any anger or frustration I had around this situation feels so much lighter.
We’re all in the exact phase we’re supposed to be, meeting the exact people we’re supposed to meet, at the exact right time.
I’ve never doubted that for a second, but I tend to forget it in times of trouble.
I have to say though, this independence thing all feels new to me again.
I used to spend so much time alone and now, without my cat here, it feels even more lonesome. It strangely is okay though. I spent most of this year caught up in other people’s issues so to actually be alone with myself again, working on me, feels nice.
I forgot how much I used to enjoy a good book or a solid 45 minutes of spin. The bikes at this new studio don’t have monitors with how long we ride, calories burned or anything. I like knowing the stats but at the same time, I got to be totally in the moment for 45 minutes. I lost the concept of time which is hard to do in the world we are in today.
I’m slowly learning that life really is about just taking little moments for yourself everyday. In my case, I need little moments that help me work towards healing my codependency. Taking care of myself whether it be writing in my journal, reading a good book, going to spin, or even just getting ready when I feel off, are just some small things that help me feel a little more put together. It’s showing up for yourself in any way you can that steers you towards any true healing.
When I turn to substances or self-deprecation, that’s when I notice I feel the worst. I can drink casually when I’m feeling good, but if I head in to a night out with a bad mindset, those are the nights I end up puking and making all around terrible decisions. And while poking fun at yourself can make for good humor, you have to sit back and ask yourself at times if what you’re saying is how you may actually feel about yourself. We’re creating our realities and if I continue to berate myself with broken girl stories or not move on from my past mistakes, I know I’ll continue to re-live them.
In truth, today was an all-around wake up call for me. I haven’t been treating myself the best this year and after burying myself in all the things I used to love, I see that I still love them – I just let them go for a bit.
It feels like a similar crossroads I found myself at back in June, but four months later, a lot more has happened. More experiences, more issues.
In the end though, I feel more clear than ever. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I want to take care of myself – the only way a relationship can happen is if they’re adding to my life, not shifting my focus.
I have a feeling the end of 2018 is going to be a wild one. I don’t know why or even a clue as to what will unfold, but the feeling is a strong one.
And I’ll be here, as always, documenting the whole damn thing.
I love you all, thank you for sticking with me through the strangest periods of my life. It’s been such an unexpected year for me and things went nowhere how I expected them to, but having this comfort place helped me through.
I know I usually publish on Sundays but I’ve felt called to just post as soon as I finish writing lately.
It feels kind of nice having my posts go up in real-time rather than waiting a few days for you all to see thoughts I had a week ago.
Just following my gut and that’s what feels good right now.
It’s late now though, I’m ready to unwind.
Have a solid weekend everyone, I hope you’ll experience some shifts of your own.
We never know the day we’re going to have until the day is done.
Take that truth and roll with it.