Let’s have a chat about relationships – the good, bad, and ugly.

I’ve had a week where I’ve come to a lot of realizations, so as always, time to lay it out. I think you guys are going to like this one.

For as long as I have lived, being on my own is all I’ve known. From childhood to this very moment, my independence has been extremely important to me. I live for the nights where I’m home alone in a face mask, post-meditation, self-help book and notebook in hand – completely in my zen. That has become my ultimate happy place.

Growing up, I didn’t always have a happy place – my alone time was few and far between. When it came to relationships, I tended to attract the co-dependent. The ones who needed another to keep their happiness afloat. I recognize this now, but at the time, I thought everything was normal. I thought relationships were this source of expended energy that we all had to participate in. When others needed me, I had to be there  – no matter the cost.

This started as early as seven years old. I fell into friendship with two girls, extremely extroverted, who ultimately always put me in the middle of their disagreements. Even when things were good, as an introvert, I still needed alone time.

As young as we were, needing to be alone felt like a direct insult to them. Why wouldn’t I want to be with my friends all the time?

I was a passive child as well, so ultimately, I put my needs on the back burner. I was there for others at absolutely every opportunity because in my mind, it was a sacrifice I needed to make. I was seven. I didn’t want to go to school without a lunch table to turn to.

This pattern continued until I was 17.

I ended up attracting another friend group of three right as I entered high school. Again, I felt suffocated. I felt that I always needed to be there for others and in turn, I lost myself completely. I would force myself out with them every single day, but would hardly speak a word. At least I was out, I thought.

Once I reached senior year, I finally worked up the courage to let go of those relationships. I ended high school with a solid two friends.

I finally gained my independence back and as of today, most of my time is spent alone. It feels fucking liberating.

 

Okay Kim, so what’s the issue?

 

Well, if you think about it, what is a life spent completely in solitude? A life with no one to call with good news? A life with no one to travel with? A life where you end up sitting in a coffee shop, people-watching all around, only to realize how alone you truly are?

Truth is, I have become terrified of getting close to anyone because all I have ever known is suffocation. In my mind, the moment I let someone in, I’m opening myself to that hurt again. It never feels good to lose your sense of self and now that I’ve gained her back, I don’t want to risk it.

So, for the past four years, my social engagements have been few and far between. I don’t even know where to begin again.

This rings true for romantic relationships as well.

While my friendships have always kind of hindered me, nothing has been more of a struggle than my love life. I’ve only recently come to this revelation – two-days-ago recently.

My romantic encounters tend to all follow the same cycle: meet someone, get to know each other, and the moment it gets any bit serious, I retreat immediately. My feelings turn from love and excitement to being completely frozen. My instinct is to delete, block, and remove this new person from my life altogether. I’ve realized I have a part of me that is extremely resistant to love.

Thing is, I knew this pattern existed years ago, but I shut it out. I actually ended up meeting someone two years ago that I thought was the ‘different’ one.

I found myself extremely infatuated with this person. I thought he was attractive in every aspect and in looking for his validation, I changed myself completely. I would post things to social media to grab his attention, act out around him, and ultimately, do anything I could to get a ‘sign’ he felt the same.

Long story short, this person was interested in me, but never in the way I hoped.

My heart felt broken over this person for a year, but I came to a drastic realization this week; we are one in the same.

I had issues with real commitment, as did he, so we came together in the perfect scenario. I rarely saw him (aka kept my independence + never felt suffocated) and we never talked about our emotions (aka he didn’t have to face his own internal issues.)  Suddenly I stopped seeing myself as a victim, but a participant in this game. It changed my opinion on this situation altogether.

We don’t realize it most of the time, but every single one of our relationships corresponds. If you’re a woman and never had a connection with Dad growing up, finding intimacy with men may be difficult. It’s a territory you’ve never known.

If you consistently ended up in friendships that hurt you, opening yourself up again may feel like a knife to the chest.

There’s nothing wrong with any of this.

You were hurt. Relationships felt overbearing or scary to you. You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling it. Our emotions always come up in the exact way they’re meant to, so please, do not let anyone invalidate how you’re feeling. Especially yourself.

 

When it comes to relationships, we all fall on a scale.

 

It goes from where I’m standing – grasping to your independence and not letting anyone in, to feeling secure in your relationships, and to holding on for dear life to anyone who shows you affection. Of course there are lower levels of extreme in between those markers, but nonetheless, finding human beings who are in complete alignment with relationships is rare.

We learn initially from our parents, so if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you’re bound to play out the scenarios you witnessed as a child. Again, there’s nothing wrong with this. You can’t control how you grew up and what went right or wrong, however, as adults, we have our power back.

While I recommend we all look inward to our own relationship patterns, playing the blame game can only go on for so long.

So while Dad might have been distant or Mom was always pointing out your wrong-doings, we do not have to linger there. We can recognize where our pattern began, but it is up to us to break the cycle.

If you’re like me and your friendships never felt good either, know that you’re not destined to re-live the same relationships.

 

Trust that you gained all the insight you needed from those relationships and you know better now. You know what you do not want which can only make room for what you do want out of a relationship. As much as we like to dwell in self-pity, none of us are hopeless.

 

It all starts with the internal work.

Once your begin to recognize your own patterns, the moment you fall back into an old habit, you’ll notice it immediately. It will no longer feel good to you and from there, you only further the healing process.

So, take inventory; see where you’re standing in this current moment in regard to relationships.

 

What’s going right? What doesn’t feel good? What, in this moment, makes the most sense to move forward?

 

It could be ending a relationship that you know no longer serves you. It might mean opening yourself up more to the people who enter your life. Whatever it may be, know that you are always being guided and the Universe is presenting the exact assignments to you in the exact moment you need them.

 

No one comes to us by accident.

 

Our relationships provide us the perfect environment for growth, no matter the outcome.

Sometimes we need a storm to get back to the light – our light.

See yourself and those around you with love and above all, trust your path.

You’re exactly where you’re meant to be.