I was scrolling through Facebook a few days ago and stumbled upon a post.
It spoke on checking in with your friends because March tends to be the month of the most suicides. The change in weather and renewal of the seasons is such a drastic change from the long winter nights that it becomes overwhelming to those who are bipolar. It entices manic states that become too much to handle and inevitably leads to many taking their lives.
Now, I don’t know the facts behind it all, but I wouldn’t doubt the truth behind it. March is typically one of the worst months for me mentally. I’ve never been one for Spring. It screams to me everything that I’m not. The light colors, the longer days, floral print, humid rain. I do my best to make the most of it, but it’s odd always being the outcast when we say goodbye to Winter. I never get excited about it. There comes the rare few days where the weather feels just right, but those are few and far between.
Oddly enough, I’ve gotten better with Summer. It used to be the worst time of year for me, but I managed to have a pretty good time last year, so I’m hoping to keep that momentum going.
It’s strange though. Studies have shown for decades that more daylight and warmer weather are better for mental health and yet, mine always seems to suffer.
I’m thinking my body and physical appearance might have something to do with it. I’ve struggled with showing off my body since I was eighteen and even before that, I’ve always preferred the more full-faced makeup that the colder seasons bring.
I love my pale skin and being covered up in warm sweaters. So in the end, there may be nothing wrong with me, but my personal preferences have just grown to be different from the norm.
I’m trying to embrace the energy of renewal this season though. There lies symbolism in the budding of the flowers and the cleansing of the rain. It invites the idea of letting go of the things in your life that died long ago and letting yourself be changed by what is to come.
The beginning of 2019 has left me asking lots of questions.
I feel satisfied in many aspects of my life, but I still feel a piece missing.
It’s natural to always be wanting something more, but frustrating nonetheless when you don’t know what you want to pursue next.
I feel comfortable in my job and relationships which ironically enough, those were my main concerns this time last year. I wanted to find security in those aspects and thinking back now, it’s wild that the things you wanted so much for yourself become only a small fraction of what you think about once you have it.
I used to feel empowered by my independence and discipline.
I knew the in’s and out’s of my relationship to myself.
The likes of meditation, exercise, and writing kept me grounded.
I’ve found I don’t make time for those things anymore. I surely could, but the discipline isn’t there. It’s easy for me to coast through life now without thinking I need to actively be working on self-improvement. While this has been helpful when it comes to my relationships, my inner self feels ignored.
I know I don’t have one set purpose nor do I need to force myself through rituals for the sake of it, but god, I miss that feeling of being grounded. When I spend time alone now, I hardly tap in to the deeper aspects anymore. I find myself distracted by other people or mindless entertainment. My writing has felt like the same story on repeat for months because I’ve brought nothing new to the table.
I miss spending days divulging books. I miss going to my old spin studio. I miss prepping juices for the week. I miss when I would buy a new kombucha for every day of the week. I miss when I felt in touch with my body. I miss listening to kundalini music as I meditated. I miss taking notes on some of my favorite gurus. I miss when I treated myself as an influencer with this blog rather than using it as a soap box.
I’m trying to find the balance between it all, but I know inherently that balance is a false concept.
There never comes a time where everything is perfectly aligned in your life, however, I know that when one part of you feels ignored, it is time to go back to her. She needs some rejuvenation.
I’ve been sick for the past few days and I always look to these times as a way to relax and think. I don’t have the energy for much else. So, while I would have normally spent more time with the boyfriend this week, I decided to let myself rest at home to feel better. Lots of sleep and Game of Thrones later, I’m starting to feel better. Not to mention, I’m realizing just how much I’ve been abandoning a part of myself.
I love how much I’ve opened myself to other people over the past few months, but I’ve let a lot of the things that made me who I am go. I miss feeling like I’m working towards something.
Whether it be reading more to expand my mind, moving my body to feel more physically connected to myself, or even meditating to calm it all down. All these little practices that used to mean so much to me have fallen behind because while I’ve said I needed a break, I never expected to lose those parts of me altogether. It almost feels like losing a sense of identity.
That sounds dramatic, but I’m just being honest. Our lives come in seasons and while I can’t expect myself to remain the same person forever, I also don’t want to sacrifice the things I know used to bring me so much joy.
I believe a part of me is scared. I used to go at these practices with such a 0 to 100 mindset that if I dive back in now, I’ll find myself engulfed all over again.
I know I’m not the same person I once was, but the fear still resides in me. I don’t know how to ease my way in to things. Either I do it right the first time or not at all.
My choice to go vegan three years ago was a cold turkey decision. I didn’t slowly cut meat and dairy out. I woke up one brisk April morning and felt called to do some research. Before I knew it, I ended the day going fully plant-based and never looked back.
So based on that logic, I feel that I’ve been waiting for the day I feel called to go back to all the things I once loved. Unless it hits me like a ton of bricks, I don’t see myself being able to do those things again with a clear mind. It’s frustrating but I don’t know what to do.
The way my life is set up now makes going back to this wellness/spiritual lifestyle daunting. I feel like a fraud a lot of the time.
I bought tarot cards the other day and I have yet to touch them. I have books that have been collecting dust on the shelves. I’ve had the same journal for almost a year when I used to use up two in the span of six months.
However, I see that the fact it even bothers me that I want to do these things and I’m not shows that I’m not as far gone as I think.
I keep looking at my life as this before and after I started working in the restaurant industry. It’s changed the dynamic of my life in a number of ways, but telling myself the same story that I’m ‘not who I was’ is doing nothing for my self-esteem. It’s okay to not be who I once was because in truth, life itself is a spiritual experience. The things we go through, no matter how ‘far gone’ they may seem when you’re interested in this line of work, may be the very things you need for your expansion.
Telling myself that I can’t go back to who I was is a negative story to tell, but a true one at that. Yes, I may no longer be the same girl who lived and breathed her spiritual work, but that doesn’t mean the knowledge I gained from that period of my life ever went away.
I still look to the Universe for guidance almost daily. I still find myself buying myself quality vegan beauty/home items to enhance my life. I still fall down the occasional spiritual rabbit hole from time to time. I may not be working on myself in steroids fashion, but I still wake up daily looking to see what life will teach me today. I know I’m on the right path even when all feels wrong and without those self-care years that have me feeling ‘less than’ now, I wouldn’t carry such an ease into my day-to-day.
While I still have changes I want to make in my life, I know that having the desire to do anything at all is a win. Many of us go about life without an ounce of motivation. We go through the motions only to unwind for a brief period of time and do it all over again. If you find yourself feeling out of it because you want more for yourself, that thought alone is a step in the right direction.
I’m hoping come April that I’ll be writing more, doing more.
I love that I’ve spent the past two months growing in my new relationship and while I’ll continue to do so there, I also hope I’ll be able to find my own spark again.
Life doesn’t have to be a series of extremes. You don’t have to be completely alone to find your zest nor do you need to throw your entire being in to your relationships. You can have yourself and other people too.
So, here’s to the new season and flowing with where the current takes us.
As long as you’re paddling downstream, the destination can only be exactly where you need to be.