I can’t count the amount of days this month I’ve sat down to write to no avail.
I didn’t expect to disappear for a month nor has anything gone poorly enough to justify my absence and yet, here we are.
I wrote a small blurb on my Instagram the other day about my lack of writing or social media presence recently and came to a conclusion.
I used to look to my blog as an escape.
I wrote and divulged all the intricate details of my current problems, vented, and found silver linings. On some of my better days, I shared knowledge I gained from either a book, a spiritual lecture, or even an epiphany I had come to.
Up until a year ago, I spent almost all of my time alone. I found myself down rabbit holes looking to solve all of my past trauma which evidently only led to more rabbit holes. I picked up new books, listened to new podcasts, and wrote down my feelings daily. I was on a constant search to figure out the root to all of my shortcomings in life. I desperately looked for answers because all I wanted was to feel like someone others could accept.
I have shelves of self-help books to show for those days; they’ve become almost haunting to look at.
It’s strange looking back at how far I’ve come. When I began writing in 2016, I thought I had reached my peak of self-love. I thought I had finally found all the confidence and answers I had been searching for all along. The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to feel accepted by those I cared about and to feel a sense of purpose for being alive. My depression has followed me so long because I never felt like I belonged throughout all of my school years and with that, you start to believe you’re not good for anything (hence having no sense of purpose.)
Little did I know, 2016 was only a beginner’s lesson for what was to come.
I entered the following year feeling ready to continue my journey of self-care.
I was writing more, had solid routines, woke up early, planned solo trips, and meditated almost daily – and yet, 2017 turned out to be one of the worst years of my life. I had never felt more exhausted and confused about life than I did that year.
I wrote on here during that time so if you look through the archives, you can get a more inside look. I don’t want to unravel the same past problems I’ve talked about in other posts.
But to put it brief, I spent all of 2017 trying to fix myself when at the time, I truly thought I was only striving for self-improvement.
I didn’t realize that it doesn’t matter how many self-care rituals you partake in if underneath it all, you don’t whole-heartedly love who you are.
I spent hours exercising that year looking to achieve a body I thought I needed.
I woke up at 3am to fit in ‘morning’ rituals before my job, worked until 5pm, went to nightly spin classes, only to arrive home around 8pm. Once I was home, I gave myself about an hour of Netflix time before it was time for reading and bed. If you had questioned my actions at the time, I would’ve been nothing but defensive. I saw these routines as acts of self-love when truth is, I was calculating my life so I couldn’t be blind-sided.
I thought if I could read or meditate enough, eventually I would reach this ‘center’ where nothing would break me. I thought if I worked out almost daily, even on three hours of sleep, I would find happiness in how I looked.
I didn’t let people in to my life because as we can see, I made no time outside of self-care.
When people would ask me questions about my life, I always used to clam up. I was embarrassed by the amount of time I spent alone and my intense habits, yet, I never questioned it. I continued along with my routines as normal, hoping for the universe to serve me relationships, success, and body positivity on a silver platter.
When I entered 2018, I slowly began to drift away from that side of me. I quit my job that fueled my insane schedule and took two months off to simply breathe. I let myself watch the Netflix, sleep in, and simply engage in what felt best to do each day.
However, I still had an attachment to exercise. I would schedule early workout classes only to skip them and feel guilty all day. I would go to the gym only to get down on myself for not knowing when I’d go back. I tried yoga only to realize it wouldn’t tone my body in the ways I wanted it to.
So, about a year ago, I took a step back. I stopped exercising altogether and since then, I can count the amount of workouts I’ve done on my two hands. I pull out my yoga mat in the morning at times, but I don’t hold myself to it.
Once I started my serving job soon after, my only goal was keeping my authenticity. It was a new job with fresh faces, fresh opportunities. I told myself that no matter what happens, let yourself be exactly as you are.
As time progressed, I found myself saying yes more. I opened up when people invited me out. I started to gradually care less about planning a perfect life and looked more to how I could incorporate my self-care practices in to living my life.
I stopped reading as much. My blog posts started to become less consistent. I found I wasn’t looking for new material to devour because like I said, I had shelves of self-help books.
I began to realize that while some self-help books are more eye-opening than others, the premise of most is the same; the only purpose of life is to live in accordance to the things that make you happy.
This could be as big as the job you hold or as small as the choice to stay in or go out for the night.
For years, maybe even decades, we don’t see it. We don’t see that the little voice in our head who feels one way or another is the voice furthering us along our life path.
We don’t like to believe in the little voice because while she’s been right, she’s also appeared to be wrong before.
I’ve had countless moments where I listened to my intuition only to feel completely broken by the outcome. This doesn’t mean I made a wrong choice.
Some of the most life-altering moments of our life come about after a huge upset.
Last year, I spent night after night worried about men who never gave me the love I craved. There were nights where despite all the ways I felt wronged, I felt hope. Maybe one of them invited me out. Maybe one of them claimed how much they cared. On the logical end, I knew I shouldn’t entertain them further. However, when it came to my inner voice, she still wanted me to continue. I had more to learn from those spiritual assignments.
So, I did. My oh my did I fall.
I left those relationships depleted and down on my luck. I felt as if I could never see myself in a healthy relationship. No matter how much love I said I wanted, those men were the only type I found myself pursuing.
In retrospect, I know why.
I sought after those who could never love me because there was safety there. I didn’t have to change my life for another person. I could keep my independence and not have to fully let someone in because in the end, emotionally unavailable men won’t ask that of me. I had the high of liking someone and wanting to be with them without everything that’s needed in real commitment.
After coming to this realization around New Year’s, I told myself I needed a break from men. I was tired of putting myself through the emotional rollercoaster of dating when in my mind, it always led to me going after the wrong people.
Well, fast forward to now and I’m in a full-blown relationship. It’s still very new and unexpected, but I’ve never felt more comfortable with another person. I went through the initial period of being terrified of commitment, but I’ve found thoughts that keep me grounded.
I used to see relationships as a loss of freedom and a suffocation would take over my body. Thing is though, a relationship is never an end-all, be-all. I discovered that by simply enjoying each day with this person and not thinking far ahead, my anxiety around commitment has gone away.
I remember two or three times over the years where I liked a guy and as soon as he liked me back, I froze up. I went cold on them. I ended things as soon as possible. I felt as if I was committing my entire life to a person when in actuality, I was only fifteen and my mom would be the one driving me to dates.
I wrote about this in my last post and it rings true here – just because you feel fear about something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
If I hadn’t pushed through my fear of commitment and ran away from this person, I’d be missing out on a hell of a guy.
So, we can blame him for my lack of writing.
Like I said earlier though, I used to write blog posts as a way to escape. I needed an outlet and place to turn to when now, I find myself feeling happy with my day-to-day. I have great people around me and with every morning I wake, I live for the not knowing.
The uncertainty of life that used to petrify me has become my driving force for continuing on.
It’s in the knowing that we’re never done craving more as humans that you can find your peace.
Truth is, not a single goal you reach will be your last. We’re wired to grow.
When one problem is solved or a goal is completed, there will always be a next. This cycle doesn’t end until we die.
‘What’s the point?’ you may ask.
Why strive for anything if there’s always going to be a next best thing?
We do it for the expansion.
We incarnated in to this life for a very specific purpose. Not to change the world or to complete an out-there goal, but to tend to what your soul wants to learn from the human experience. This would be our soul perspective.
Some of us came down here to learn how to love, some came down to teach others.
While we live our lives through our human perspective, our soul perspective is innate.
It speaks through the inner voice and through that voice, we find our authenticity.
It’s in following that authenticity that life becomes nothing but a place to express yourself through.
You live the days as they come. You’re not stuck to anything that no longer arises joy within you because if you did, you’re ignoring that soul perspective.
What seems illogical or brash only appears that way in the human perspective which in the end, is only a physical medium to your soul.
If you’re scared to make a change but your inner voice won’t let it go, life will continue to present scenarios that line you up with eventually making that scary decision.
It’s why I continued to line up with a mix of good and bad men for me. I got the bad to show me what I thought I deserved and the good to show me what I really needed. It took years, but I’m finally at a place where I feel ready and able to receive love from someone (which inherently is one of the sole life lessons I came to learn.)
It’s all in the days, each and every one.
We’re told to look to five-year-plans and achieve huge life goals when we don’t have a clue what we’re looking for.
Go for opportunities that ignite a fire in you now.
Save money for the secure feeling it gives you now.
Spend time with people who light up your life now.
Our futures are merely a by-product of where we are currently.
Euphoria cannot arise from misery on its own.
While you may reach the feeling you’ve been looking for down the line, no question, it’s in the knowing you can access that feeling at any time that you begin to question where you are now.
You’ll find if you let life arise and act with your inner voice in mind, it gets easier. All of it.
The worries subside.
The troubles are no longer seen as detriments.
A feeling of ease overcomes you in a way that’s best described as something you need to experience for yourself. Words won’t do it justice.
Our souls never intended for us to suffer and yet, without the contrast of suffering, we may never know bliss.
Believe it or not, the human experience was designed for us.
It’s only when we embody this truth that the unearthing of our souls can ever begin.