On 2018 and Moving Forward

Well, 2019 is tomorrow and I truly can’t believe it.

This year felt long and short all at the same time. I vividly remember where I was this time last year and yet, I can’t believe that was only a year ago. My life has changed a lot in the span of twelve months so in very Kim fashion, I’m here to lay it all out.

Not only to document, but I see this being very therapeutic as well. 

When 2018 began, I was unemployed and didn’t have a single clue what I wanted to do next. I left my manager job because I wasn’t happy with the company anymore – I felt I had outgrown my position. All I knew in January was that whatever came next, I had to be really excited about it to act. I wasn’t forcing myself in to a new job for the hell of it. For the first time, I didn’t want my life to revolve around my job; I only wanted it to be an addition. 

Two months later, I eventually landed on serving in a restaurant downtown. I can’t imagine how different my life would be without taking a risk there. I almost didn’t call back for an interview but I had already spent two months bored and alone. I figured I might as well give it a chance. 

 

Nine months later, I can say that job opened my eyes in a way I needed more than ever. 

 

I slowly began to build a social life. Instead of spending hours on self-care rituals, I began to pick one activity that I felt called to that day. I stopped worrying about food and exercise and let my body tell me what it needed. I can happily say that this year is the year I cured my eating disorder. 

I still have bad body image days, as we all do, but they don’t consume my mind in the way they used to. I can eat as much as I want without thinking about the repercussions now. I do yoga some mornings, I go to the gym some nights. It truly depends on what I’m feeling that day. 

When it comes to writing, I started this year believing I wanted to turn this blog in to a business. I wanted to market Lust for Growth, sell e-books or courses, use my blog social medias, etc. I see now that while I love this platform and writing in general, I’m not quite sure that’s what I want. I may want to work on a book down the line, but as for now, sharing my thoughts on here (hopefully weekly) is enough for me. I’ve begun using my Instagram more as a platform when I’m not on here, so definitely check @kimboisvert for more content from me. 

Looking back now, I see that my relationships were my main focus this year. I knew I had healing to do going in to 2018, but I didn’t realize how deep my issues would be triggered this year. 

 

I spent a lot of time being there for and apologizing for men who didn’t deserve that of me. I told myself to set boundaries for how I wanted to be treated, but I would let them go in the heat of the moment. 

 

For most of Spring and Summer, I found myself doing everything I could to make someone else comfortable. I spent dollars on dollars, dropped everything in a moment’s notice, and wouldn’t speak up if I wasn’t happy. Any time I did speak up, I was met with less than validating results, so I learned to be quiet.

Later on, I was involved with a close friend which in retrospect was a terrible idea. I had built a connection to this person and grew to really care about him, but as the ‘relationship’ progressed, I see how much I was looking at him through rose-colored glasses. He wasn’t who I thought he was and even though it still stings a bit, I’m becoming okay with it. 

So, as the year comes to a close, I’m taking what I learned and going inward. I see now that I’m incredibly willing to do anything to get someone’s affection or at least I used to be. I look back at old journal entries and see how tired I was, how lost. My mind went through loops trying to dissect why someone did or didn’t reciprocate a certain way. I created stories that were nothing but assumptions because there was no real communication. I had to find a way to explain painful moments because the source provided no answers. 

Entering the new year, I feel okay with where I am. I’m not going to sit here and say I’m 100% fine with being alone, but I’m learning to see the good in it. Those nights I come home and don’t have to worry about someone else have been refreshing recently.

I’m learning to look less in to what everything means with someone and enjoy the moments a bit more. 

I’ve been guilty of overthinking my relationships as I’m sure we’ve seen, but recognizing that has been freeing in and of itself. I know that I do it, so when I catch myself getting caught up in a story, it becomes easier to disengage. 

I’d say my main goal of 2019 in the relationship realm is to know your worth. If you’re cool with casual affairs, by all means, go for it. If you want a real relationship, don’t involve yourself with people who you know can’t provide that to you. 

 

Focus less on trying to make people fit who you want them to be and instead, spend time with people who make you feel the best. 

 

It’s a simple concept, but one that’s been lost on me for quite some time now. Letting the past go feels clearer than it ever has. It’s a refreshing mind shift.

I haven’t decided on many resolutions for 2019.

I’d say some of my biggest goals are to pay off some debt, travel to Asheville again, and overall, continue to go with the flow. 

If something comes along that I’m excited about, that’ll be a goal I work towards, but as for now, I’m looking to save some money and let the days come as they may. 

Speaking of Asheville though, I believe that may be my moving destination in the future. I still feel such a love for that place two months later. So with saving and chipping away at debt, moving to Asheville may become a reality once my finances are in order. Again, thoughts create reality – who knows what this year may bring in terms of moving out on my own. I’m stoked for whenever it happens, but that’d be a pretty cool turn of events. 

I’ve realized this week that New Year’s Eve may be my favorite holiday. No matter how I spend it, the idea of ending a chapter and beginning a new one has always felt exciting to me. This year feels even more special because not only will I be spending it around people but I’m entering 2019 with no strings attached. I have no huge desires, but only a will to continue living as I have – in the moment.

 

I truly felt what it was like to let go of the future in 2018. I have no clue what to expect from my life or where I’m headed, I only care about enjoying myself along the way.

 

I’m intrigued to see how I feel reading this back in a year – Where will I be?  Who will I be with?  What will I know then that I didn’t know now?

 

Despite all the hardships that fell on me this year, I continued on. 

The nights that left me broken. The days I couldn’t get out of bed. The moments I felt I had truly lost myself. It was all temporary – everything came full circle with time.

2019 can’t avoid the pendulum of life either, but I’m prepared to take on what it may bring.

 

If I learned anything this year, I saw that sometimes when you let go, you open a doorway for something better than you could’ve ever expected. 

 

We just never know it at the time.

So while I’m still healing in some aspects of my life, I know that through the process, there are new experiences being assembled for me behind the scenes. 

You never know what comes next and in that truth, our lives find their meaning. 

We live in a pursuit to play out what our souls came down here to learn. If we had all the answers, life would prove meaningless. 

If we find the world crashing down before us, remind yourself that those downfalls all play a part in our lessons. 

Good cannot come if bad did not exist. 

Trust not only yourself, but the circumstances of your journey. 

You never know where they may lead.