Life has felt so different lately.
I’m not sure what changed, but my mindset and actions have been a different energy than even last week. It’s been a week of relaxing while also looking for distractions.
I have such an energy to get out of the house and my routine. I’m excited for when my vaccine gets scheduled finally cause I desperately want to get out of town for a bit. I don’t know what I want to do or where to go, I just have an itch to do all the things I haven’t in recent years.
I want to see people again. I want to get on a plane. I want all of us to get that sigh of relief we’ve been holding on to for over a year. I’m ready for some change and I doubt I’m alone in that.
It feels odd going in to a new season already. It feels like Summer just happened and we’re right around the corner again. I’m hoping to make it a memorable one.
I’m writing a little earlier this week because I’m in a good mood today. I figured I might as well take advantage of it.
It’s one of those weeks where I don’t even know what to write about if I’m being honest.
Nothing super significant has happened and it feels like all of the days are running together.
It feels kind of nice to be in a routine though. I’ve actually been enjoying work lately. I look back to last year around this time and I was a hot mess. Everything felt like too much and the days were redundant, but not in a way I enjoyed. It felt like I had nothing to look forward to. I clocked in, rang up customers, and came home.
2021 feels like an opportunity to start making more connections as vaccine roll-out happens and take on new experiences.
Hell, I just booked my first tattoo appointment for a week after my birthday. I’m so stoked. It was one of those spur of the moment decisions I touched on a few weeks ago. I swear, unless I just set my mind to something and act, I never do it. I’m really glad I just went with it. I get it done a week after a birthday so it feels like a great birthday gift to myself.
I really want to tap in to more of that energy this year. Maybe not this year, but in general. It’s been a long time since I just did things for the hell of it.
I tend to forget how much control we all have over our lives.
It’s easy to get caught up in life and sit around waiting for things to happen to you. It’s an easy way out of ever having to do anything. You push any new thing or opportunity on to the Universe at large without putting any actual effort in.
It’s one thing to wait for a sign or things to unfold, but it is another to never act on the things you feel called to do. Sometimes there doesn’t need to be some big sign or huge reason for anything. A lot of the time, if our gut tells us something is right, just go for it.
Even if you end up with some regret or things don’t work out the way you plan, you can’t say you never tried. Plus, acting always gives you more insight on what to do next time. We can’t learn anything in life if we don’t try anything.
I had a weird encounter this week.
I was drinking one night and had a nail appointment the next day at noon. I rolled up to 7-11 to get gas and decided to get coffee.
This one cashier there is the sweetest girl. She’s always super nice to me when I’m in there.
That day though, I think she saw how hungover I was (she’s seen me look put together plenty of times) and made a comment on my way out. She straight up just told me ‘baby girl, don’t forget to take care of your health.’ It kind of stuck out to me.
If it was a stranger, I would have been offended for sure, but the fact this girl has been kind to me all the time, it struck a bit.
Sometimes I think the Universe gives you signs through people. It doesn’t always have to be numbers on a clock or a physical sign you were asking for.
I had a weekend of heavier drinking this past week and somehow, she knew that. I was way over my limit in a lot of ways. It kind of inspired me to get my shit in to gear this week.
I’ve been drinking more water, writing more, and overall, just trying to better cater to the person I know I am.
We all have nights where we go a little too far, but she reminded me how much I shouldn’t make it a habit.
Alcoholism runs in my family and while I’m no addict, I know I shouldn’t test my luck by drinking all the time. It’s one thing to have a glass of wine at dinner, it’s another to finish the whole bottle for no reason.
It’s weird how an off-hand comment from someone can really get you thinking.
I’ve been trying to do better in my personal life, but I still have my human moments. I also know I’m way too hard on myself. This heavy drinking night was a Saturday and as I’m writing, it’s Thursday. I know it isn’t a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I never want to feel out of control in my life experience.
I know the power we all carry.
I could decided to uproot everything and move tomorrow if I wanted to.
Our lives are simply streams of the decisions we make.
Change is on the the other side of those decisions.
Sometimes we find ourselves down a path we no longer want to follow anymore. We can either stay on that track or take the detour we know we need.
It’s weird thinking about how we never know what’s next.
I don’t know where my little decisions will take me one or two years down the line. I could say I’d be in the same spot because right now, nothing feels like it will change that drastically. It all feels super linear currently.
However, I look back on years past and not a single one of them has looked the same.
We never know what will happen in the world nor our personal lives. It’s all up to chance and guessing.
It’s hard to embrace that sometimes.
We want to think we can control the trajectory of our lives. We want to believe we can set every stepping stone.
We can’t though. We don’t decide the ‘how’ on anything in life. We can ask for a new job opportunity, relationship, or even a new home. Throwing out what we want is always a good thing, however, we can’t let our plans of the ‘how’ be the hill we die on to get those things.
I think of all the friendships I’ve made in the past couple of years.
I remember back to 2017, all I wanted was connection with no clue how to get it. I’d try workout classes or hang out with my favorite co-worker for a happy hour, but my weekends were empty. I never had plans with anyone. I kept to myself even though I wanted to be out and about.
I’d wish I was back in my hometown where I was surrounded by people I knew. Even if I didn’t know where to start there, I figured at least it was familiar. I didn’t know how to go about making friendships as an adult without college. It seemed impossible.
Then, I took a random job opportunity the next year not knowing the catalyst it would be.
I almost didn’t call them back for an interview, but I said fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen?
Through the job, I was able to get my new job now, and made some long-lasting friendships. I find myself surrounded by people now and I wouldn’t have guessed back then that any of this would’ve happened. It’s so strange to see where I am now socially knowing how much of a loner I used to be. I still can’t believe it sometimes.
If I had tried to control the narrative of how I made friends and became hyper-fixated on it, I doubt my life would be the same that it is now.
It’s in letting go of the ‘how’ that we ever see the things we want unfold.
So, while life has felt a little confusing lately, I also know just how possible it is for things to shake up. I have all these goals for my future in mind without a clue on how to get there. I have faith that I will, but I’m completely dumbfounded on how. I’m learning to see it as a good thing now.
Confusion in life can be a really powerful state to be in. Instead of seeing it as not knowing where to go, realize that you’re being given endless possibilities.
Sometimes I think I’m not doing enough to get to where I need to be.
I see the endless paths I could take and freeze in overwhelm.
Thing is, we don’t have to have it all figured out at once.
I don’t need to know where I’ll be in two years, even a year from now.
It’s when you follow the little things you want to do that your life will become what you want.
Maybe not immediately or all at once, but the breadcrumbs are being left by you, no one else.
You’re creating what you want without even noticing half the time.
Rest in that knowledge and just see where you take yourself.
I promise you, things always work out in the end.
We’ve just got to trust ourselves enough to get there.
❤️❤️