So, I sat down to write yesterday.

It’s been a bit of a sad week for me, but I said I’d stick to the schedule so I’m doing the damn thing.

I didn’t want to leave all of my weekly tasks until the day before I had obligations again, but not a thing I wrote yesterday was worth sharing. It was roughly 700 words of ‘woe is me’ that I gave up on writing pretty early on.

I had a lot of motivation last week. With motivation always comes an abundance of plans and ideas. You go through everything you want to change in your life and get super excited over it. I was excited. I’m still excited, but shit, life got a hold of my emotions this week and wouldn’t let go.

I had really good weekend after my last post and even a good Super Bowl. I felt okay but when I woke up Monday morning, my emotions were shit. I spent the entire twelve hours I stayed awake watching Love Island, nothing else.

Honestly it was a good day still. I needed a day to just get out of my head and relax with some good reality tv. I figured I’d go to bed that night and feel fine the next day but I didn’t. I felt really out of it all day. It was a mix of sadness and apathy. I couldn’t really pinpoint what was wrong, all I knew was that I felt it.

I said okay – tomorrow’s a new day. I’ll feel better tomorrow. Well, I woke up feeling even worse. It was one of those days where you keep crying and don’t know why. You watch one thing that triggers you emotionally and you lose it. You try to do something to get your mind off of it, but stop mid-way through to lay down and sulk. Shit was painful.

I had a wax appointment today so I got out of bed earlier than I had all week. I told myself I had to get ready just to see if it would make me feel better. I almost hit the snooze and said fuck it, but ended up getting up. I went for my appointment, did a couple random errands, and did a little hour stint at Target. I just needed to get out of the house. I was driving myself insane in my room alone with my thoughts.

It’s weird though. When I feel sad like that, I don’t want to be around anyone. I want to process it alone which sometimes only makes me feel worse. It was one of those weeks. I just needed to be out for a couple of hours to get my head on straight.

If I’m being honest, the past few weeks are a hard time for me right now. It’s filled with birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that I used to spend with someone that I don’t anymore. I’m at a point where I don’t talk to that person anymore so when these memories pop up in my head, I think it kind of does a 180 on me. It’s the first time I’m really dealing with a break-up and having to move forward after.

I feel like a guy in the sense that I didn’t process my emotions from my break-up when it happened.

I’m feeling them months later when you kind of feel crazy for feeling sad over it. It’s been months so you feel like it shouldn’t cross your mind anymore, but it does. I know that’s not solely a guy thing that happens, but most of the time, you see the girl breaking down in the beginning.

I spent the first couple of months just distracting myself so it’s no wonder when I take those distractions out of the picture that emotions come up.

I’ve been shaming myself for it a bit, but I feel better today and realize it’s totally normal to feel this way. It’s always hard to let go of what your life used to be when you don’t know quite where you’re headed yet.

 

You go over everything in your head a million times and think what could’ve been different. Things change for a reason though. They always do.

 

I spent most of my life on my own and dealt with the loneliness that brought. You become scared that you’ll go right back to where you were before and feel like no one will see you for who you are again. You feel like you blew your one chance to find love when in reality, life has a lot more to it.

I’m not a perfect person and life never unfolds in a perfect way.

There’s trials and tribulations that come up to challenge you.

These trials aren’t meant to break you, but help you come to terms with where you are currently.

You see what hasn’t been working for you, where your rough emotions stem from, and how to move forward from them.

I will say though, it is almost impossible to come to these conclusions when you’re in the midst of a depression spiral.

Nothing anyone could say or do breaks you out of it until you feel ready to come out of it yourself.

I did everything I could to shake myself from it and nothing helped. I had to sit there and let myself be sad for a few days before I could bring myself to do anything I had been wanting to do all week.

It’s a helpless feeling. You can’t turn your brain off and push through like everything’s okay when it’s not. Some people have become very accustomed to shutting off their emotions and while part of me feels jealous of that ability, I know unfelt emotions always return to us.

They pop up when we least expect it most of the time.

You could be enjoying yourself watching a show and having a drink at home when you see something on social media that breaks you.

You could be at work having a good shift when you find out something that ruins the rest of your day.

Life will take you by surprise more often than not.

 

We think we can plan for things or have a grasp on how we feel, but life shows no bias. Your triggers will follow you until they no longer exist to trigger you.

 

So while I do my best to wake up each day with a fresh perspective, things from my past hurting me is bound to happen. I can’t fully move on from those feelings until I let them run through me.

2021 has been one of the most self-focused years I’ve had in a long time so far, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I don’t feel happy all the time.

A lot of change happened in the span of a few months. Hell, 2020 alone provided some of the most change I’ve witnessed in most of my life.

I tell myself I should be better off than I am or I should feel better than I do when that’s not the case.

We’ve all been through a lot in our lives.

Every one of us has a completely unique experience from someone else.

I’ll go on Reddit before bed sometimes and last year, I saw a post asking if 2020 was the worst year of people’s lives – in reality, a lot of people experienced much worse before hand or even found themselves in better situations because of it.

All of our life experiences can’t be summed up to a collective experience.

What breaks one person becomes a catalyst for change to someone else.

I tell myself my problems are minuscule when to me, they’re very real and very painful. I can’t deny that to myself. I can’t shame myself for feeling how I do.

We tend to put a lot of blame on ourselves as well when we feel like we caused our own problems.

If only we had done this or that, we wouldn’t be feeling the pain we do now.

Thing is, we had very real reasons for behaving how we did at the time.

 

We look back on the past with these rose-colored glasses that don’t represent how we truly felt back then.

 

We focus on all of the good we miss and completely disregard those down moments.

I’m not sure how normal this is, but thought I’d share.

I feel a big amount of memory loss in my life.

I have memories here and there that stick out, but I hardly remember a lot of who I was or what happened growing up.

I moved somewhere else after I turned 18 and memories from my hometown feel like they fade more by the year. That person who grew up there doesn’t feel like me anymore. It’s like a different entity. I don’t remember much of my school years. I remember things that happened with my friends or random things that happened at school, but as a whole, most of it feels blocked out.

I’m not sure if that just happens as you get older or my mind’s way of trying to protect me.

Even when it comes to my eating disorder, I don’t remember much of that time of my life anymore. I re-read my blog post I made on it years ago and it felt like reading someone else’s experience.

I’ll hear a song from childhood and know it’s from then, but don’t know where the memory comes from.

It all feels very vague when it comes to my past.

I feel like that’s why I started writing a few years ago.

Writing down memories and having that documentation reminds me of who I was then. The feelings I felt or where my head used to be.

So, while I feel upset about my current problems, maybe it’ll be something I won’t think twice about in a few years.

It’s hard to come to terms with that in the present though. Everything feels so raw and real that you don’t know how you’ll move past it at times.

You do though.

I used to write posts on love years ago that feel like values I have engrained in me now. It’s no longer an experience I’m going through but a lesson I learned.

 

Everything we go through has to be seen through.

 

We’re never at an end-all, be-all crossroads in our lives.

It’s all experience that makes us better equipped to deal with what life gives us next.

We can’t see that when we’re in it, but as time passes, we get there.

I know I’m not there yet, but I will be.

It’s all in due time.