It’s one of those nights where I have no idea what I’m about to say – all I know is I need to write.

I’ve been reading old posts tonight and one thing that never gets old is hearing some old nuggets of wisdom from your past self. Those quotes or tangents that make you think, wow, that really came out of my brain? I did that? Not to sound narcissistic, but seriously – it’s wild what you pick up on when you go back to your old writings.

Blog posts are one thing but journals are where the true material gets you. I’ve been terrified of reading back my entries from last year because looking back, 2017 was easily one of the worst years of my life.

The year I graduated high school only to skip college last-minute and move away from home was rough, but 2017 was in a different realm.

Life always gets a bit hectic and scary with moves, new beginnings, and the works; 2014 was destined to be tough once all of my post-grad plans fell through. But you see, in 2017, I supposedly had some footing at that point. I changed jobs, sure, but I was with the same company. I was a manager at my coffee shop job on the path to eventually get my own store. I spent countless hours reading, I bought the sages and crystals, I worked out, and all around, had my shit together when it came to a typical 21-year-old.

 

However, this was only on the surface.

 

I spent nearly 90% of my time alone last year. I lived in my car essentially due to my commute and commitment to taking spin classes after ten-hour work days. I was borderline heartbroken over someone who in hindsight, was a speck of dust in my romantic realm. It kills me that I spent an entire year in shambles over the smallest interactions with the guy who ‘is-how-he-is.’ Fuck, I get more heated even thinking about it.

I used to spend all of my time trying to control my reality. I was a huge believer in the law of attraction, but not in the healthiest way. I used to sit and try to visualize all of the things I wanted out of my life, but my internal voice could never get quiet enough to receive any guidance. I blamed my lack of manifesting on my shit ability to ‘truly receive.’ I turned spirituality in to this toxic place where if I didn’t do all of my practices ‘perfectly’ then I might as well not do them at all.

I used to wake up at 3am to work at 7am – I had to fit in my journal pages and meditation. I would go to bed at midnight, be visibly exhausted when I woke, and fumble through scribbles and half asleep visualizations. My quality of life was awful despite how ‘right’ I thought I was doing everything.

I’m forever grateful that I hit a breaking point in November last year. I remember that week so vividly. It was Monday and I was getting ready to start my typical 7-5 week. I remember waking up and having absolutely no desire to get out of bed. I’m the type of person who will put on makeup for work no matter what time it is and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt like a greaseball all day and told myself, okay Kim, it was a Monday – we’ll try again tomorrow.

I couldn’t do it. No makeup, rolled out of bed ten minutes before I had to leave.

This continued all week and after work, I typically had an hour to myself in my car before spin class. I would usually just watch some YouTube, read, run an errand, whatever I was up for. That last week in November consisted of constant tears and only going to spin because I wanted to avoid driving in rush hour traffic – I entered those work out classes feeling completely numb.

By the end of the week, I remember coming home and my mom could see the light gone from my eyes. I had spent eight months of that year sleep deprived, under paid, lonely, and wondering how the hell it got to that point. It was that night when my mom told me to quit my job. We went for a nail appointment the next day and I sat there actually wondering what life would be like if I didn’t force myself to just go with the motions anymore. I was tired of just existing and experiencing nothing new. I needed to leave and in the end, I did.

I remember coming home on my last day of work feeling ecstatic but completely terrified. I quit my job without anything lined up. I hardly had a savings and I had no clue what I wanted to do next. I ended last year believing that I wanted to turn my blog in to income, get super in to my workout classes, and make manifesting my dream life + income my bitch.

I spent two months unemployed only to find a server job at a hotel. I will be forever grateful I found that job even though it has also brought up emotional challenges I couldn’t have predicted.

As I got more comfortable at my job, I got closer to my co-workers. I actually began to have a social life for the first time in nearly four years. I’ve had outings over the past few years since moving to my new town, sure, but nothing consistent. It’d be the rare dinner plan that usually felt more forced than enjoyable.

I’ve found myself being able to drink alcohol without worrying about what those calories are doing to me. When I first started going out, I could hardly finish a beer without worrying about if I would gain weight. Eating sushi and fries out for the first time was such a big deal to me that honestly, most of my friends now don’t realize. I look back on 2017 and the people in my life now wouldn’t recognize that girl. She was a girl who thought she was doing everything right only to realize that ‘right’ = a life without any livable moments.

As I’ve touched on before, I began seeing someone I worked with and while that’s all over and done with now, the fact I put myself in such a toxic situation for months was not an experience I was prepared for. It came out of the blue as I was still getting over someone else.

I spent months trying to fix someone who in turn only pointed out my own insecurities. He claimed he was grateful for me and even loved me when in retrospect, I was a mere piece in his game of chess. I’m doing better than I was a month ago, but damn, looking back at how much bullshit I put myself through with him kills me. I’m glad things played out in a way where he actually doesn’t live in this state anymore. Long and insignificant story but wow, I wonder where I would be with him right now had he not left. I would have continued to claim I was distancing myself whilst always finding some way to involve myself in his life. It truly became a comfort place with him as terrible as the circumstances were. He brought out my miserable side and I’m still trying to nurse her back to health. She went through a lot. From numbing out her emotions to basically letting go of any real goals, the path was surely muddled.

It’s getting to the point where I don’t think of him much anymore. I see the reality of what I went through and know now that it was only my fear of true commitment that kept me with him. I knew I could never settle down with this guy nor did I want to, but for some reason, he felt like an escape from the world. I don’t regret my time with him because while emotionally depleting, he had his good moments. In those moments, he opened my eyes to mindsets I had never known before. So for that, I thank him, but in the grand scheme of it all, I hope he finds his peace somewhere else. He wasn’t meant to be in my life for a long time, but a brief period to finally address why I attract people I want to ‘fix.’

I believe I do it because it’s always been safe. I don’t have to involve anyone else in my decisions, these men don’t truly want to be together so most of my time is still spent alone, and all in all, there’s a rush that comes along with it when you catch someone you didn’t think would give you a chance. However, it’s a liberating feeling that only lasts the night – then you’re back to the game.

It’s once I realized this that I began to truly think about what I’m doing in my relationships. Why am I putting myself through hell when so many wonderful people have come along, that I already vibe with, and want something more.

Yes, putting yourself out there is terrifying and even more so when you’ve never truly experienced every facet of a relationship, but the days of ghosting and vague texts is beginning to scare me even more. I’m twenty-two – I’m young. I realize this.

Sure, I could have fun and mess around for the hell of it, but I know myself. I know that isn’t what I truly want. I want to actually build a connection with someone. A connection that grows by the day and even when I slip up due to my past insecurities, they’re still there and supportive. They don’t write me off as weird or broken, but a girl who hasn’t known any different. It’s a challenge and exhausting, but fuck, I’ve met people who actually are willing to go through the struggle. They care enough about me and even though I have trouble saying it, I feel the same about them.

 

I’m tired of one-and-done’s. I’m tired of hiding.

 

I know this contradicts everything I said last week, but like I’ve always said, things can change in a matter of moments. The mindset you hold today may only be a memory tomorrow.

This may just be an early post for the week, hell, even a bonus post – we’ll see, but I feel an itch to post it in real-time.

It’s a Thursday night and I’ve had a rough day of emotions. I’ve been going in circles over how my coping/defense mechanisms don’t only affect just me anymore. If I’m going to get involved with someone, they’re going to infiltrate that person as well. It’s all new to me and while this post may be a bunch of bullshit in a week, who knows, this is how I feel right now.

I want to do better when it comes to those I’m interested in. I want to give them actual chances where I don’t have them jumping through hoops to keep me around, but rather, I actually give them the credit they deserve. In the end, we all always have the best intentions. We’re doing the best we can with what we know in the moment. Sometimes, in retrospect, you fuck up in the most idiotic of ways. But babe, thing is, you didn’t know any better at the time. You made a decision that felt good to you in the moment and had you known the aftermath, obviously you would have made a more mindful choice.

Now that was incredibly vague, but given that it’s been less than twenty-four-hours, I need to let the steam boil over a bit. If things progress, I’m sure I’ll go more in-depth down the line. I’m not quite comfortable sharing every little detail of my life, especially shit I’m actively going through. It’s when I have more insight that I feel ready to dive deeper.

In the end, I’m trying to give myself my best chance. I’m tired of hiding and shutting myself down when it comes to men. The true, good men.

 

Not everything needs to be a tragic love story, baby girl.

 

I’ve told you this and I need you to actually listen to me: You romanticize the worst of situations, victimize yourself, when it was you all along who placed yourself in that situation.

I know growth here will continue to be a day-by-day process, but we’ve got to try. We can’t hide in our cellars with books about how to live our best lives, we need to go out and see what can be done right now. Our gut always knows what’s right and while books of mantras may be the key to understanding yourself better, you’ll never truly know yourself until you go out and see the kind of person you can be.

I love you so, so much.

To myself, to my audience – thank you.

Without this platform, I truly do not know what I would do.

Have a beautiful night, an extravagant weekend, and take that leap of faith you’ve been contemplating. Let it happen. No matter how it goes, you can’t say you never tried.