I’ve been immensely hard on myself all week.

In my time, it is only Wednesday and you won’t see this until Sunday; I’m hoping by that point to be feeling a little lighter.

The past month has been a strange one. I went from living day-by-day not caring about much to trying to figure out what I actually want out of my life again. I wrote about this a few weeks ago and looking back on that post, I feel a tad frustrated.

I wrote about feeling ready to take charge of my life – to write down some plans, take some action, and overall, be excited about caring for myself again.

Well, I’ve found myself doing nothing but leading people on, being indecisive about every decision I come across, and sleeping until odd hours of the afternoon.

 

I get myself pumped about making changes, but when the time comes to actually make those changes, I freeze up and do everything to avoid the world.

 

I recognize my blog is public and anyone can stumble upon this, but truth is, airing out how I feel has always been the best medicine. When it comes to sitting down with my laptop, every little issue just flows out of me. I feel better behind the screen, but I’ve also come to realize that sharing any of my issues in person is almost impossible for me.

There have been countless times this year where I’ve been upset and instead of explaining why I’m sad or distraught, I put up a wall to keep others out. I grunt in frustration. I make self-deprecating jokes. I tell others I’m fine and it has nothing to do with them when in actuality there’s a very real issue I need to discuss with them.

I’m being extremely vague again because I have yet to have the conversation I need to have, but honestly, fuck it. I said I’d be more open so here we go.

I’ve spent most of the past two years fawning over men who I only cared about because they didn’t give me the validation I wanted. It was the constant game of cat and mouse that kept me intrigued.

Since cutting off the last guy about a month ago, I became excited to start focusing on my own life again. I’ve learned so much about my relationship patterns over the past two years that taking a break and processing it all felt the best.

It was only two weeks ago that I stated I was taking a break from relationships. However, while I’m not officially involved with someone new, I’ve definitely been leading men on – one in particular.

I jumped in to things very quickly and even though my gut told me this wasn’t right, I went along with it anyway. Maybe I was curious, maybe a little lonely. Maybe I just wanted to try things with someone who I knew understood me. As the days have passed though, I’ve felt completely claustrophobic. This isn’t a new feeling to me in relationships.

From late middle school up until 2016, I was always the one to put the pause on my relationships. I felt suffocated very easily by the idea of being in a relationship. Things only felt good with the other person during the flirting stage, but when real talks and emotions came up, everything fell flat for me. I don’t know how to explain it other than the excitement was over. It sounds terrible, but I’m just being honest.

Even last year, there was a brief moment I was talking to someone new. I was trying to move on from someone and the new guy was incredibly nice to me. However, our conversations only lasted a couple of weeks before I started to pull away.

I started responding slower. My answers were short. I tried to avoid posting anything to social media in fear of this person seeing I was ignoring them.

Eventually I was honest with this person and told them it is hard for me to open up. I asked for space and while they gave it to me initially, they started to reach out again. I gave a cold response and told them I didn’t want to talk anymore. We haven’t spoken since.

It’s easier when it’s someone I don’t know too well. The claustrophobic feeling isn’t as intense, but when it came to two guys I saw in high school, the guilt/suffocation was almost more than I could bear.

During my freshman year of high school, I was extremely close with a guy and we both had mutual feelings for each other. Theses feelings existed for months, but the second we actually put a label on our relationship, I ended up breaking things off not even two weeks later. I held a camping party in my backyard and after a few drinks, I ended up making out with this boyfriend whilst simultaneously crying. It was the next morning I broke up with him and while we tried to remain friends, it was hard after that. To this day, I still don’t think he understands why I became so cold and closed off.

During my senior year, I began to develop feelings for a friend I had since my sophomore year. He had feelings for me back then, but again, due to fear of intimacy, I brushed them off. I’m pretty sure I pretended I never got his ‘I like you’ text. We didn’t talk much of junior year due to this, but once senior year rolled around, I helped him get a job and we began talking again. However, he had been dating one of my friends at the time for about six months.

Not my proudest moment, especially given my relationship history up until this point, but feelings developed between us. We told each other and in my mind, he had liked me for a long period of time and the relationship between him and my friend was already dissipating. Fucked up, but that’s where seventeen-year-old Kim’s head was.

I felt excited that maybe, just maybe, this could be my shot at an actual relationship with someone. Maybe I wasn’t as damaged as I had thought up until this point.

In the end, we broke up after only a month. We tried dating again and were friends with benefits for a few months after, but the level of confusion I gave him was too much. My feelings for him could never stay consistent. I believe I had built up this fantasy of what a relationship was and all I would do was look for reasons we didn’t work together. I realize now that I just didn’t know how to receive love – with freshman year guy and this one as well. The worst part about senior year was I lost a good friendship in my pursuit of a relationship I wasn’t ready for. I don’t think she reads my blogs, but if she ever stumbles upon this, I’m still deeply sorry even five years later.

 

This wouldn’t be my first time ruining a friendship over a guy either.

 

Last year, I had feelings for someone who was already casually seeing someone else. I don’t know if she ever knew, but the fact we gradually stopped talking to each other lends to the idea.

Earlier this year, I started hooking up with someone almost immediately after he broke up with his girlfriend. I only had one amicable conversation with this girl before I became the dumb, rebound bimbo in her eyes.

I’ve made a lot of fucked up decisions when it comes to my romantic life. I’m so confused by it all that whenever I get even an inkling of hope that ‘things will be different this time’, I act without thinking about any possible consequences. I get attached to people who are no good for me, drag men that actually care for me through the mud, and hurt other women in the process.

I’m only twenty-two and I have no official romantic history to show for. Only a list of missed opportunities, toxic infatuations, and evil eyes from some past lovers. It hurts a bit to think about.

While I would say I’m in the healthiest spot I’ve been in when it comes to self-worth, this past week has only reminded me of how far I have left to go.

I still give good, caring guys the cold shoulder. I still freak out at any mention of real dates or relationship activities. When I’m contacted by a guy consistently and with good intentions, all I want to do is throw my phone at a wall and tell them to leave me alone.

 

I’m starting to wonder what it is I’m looking for.

 

I’ve told myself for years that I have yet to meet someone right for me and yet, before I enter romantic territory with a guy, I see all of their good qualities. I think about how good of a partner they could be. It’s when they reciprocate that I begin to panic. I regret ever considering them in the first place.

The common denominator is me, it has always been me, but I can no longer decipher between genuine uninterest in someone or fear.

After the past few months with my coworker, I truly started September wanting to be alone. I still want to be alone. Yet, I have someone who wants to get involved and I can’t tell if I’m uninterested due to fear or I truly want to remain alone.

I have a fear of commitment, no doubt about it, but for now, I don’t know if I want to toggle with it anymore. I’m exhausted of looking over my relationships. Completely and utterly exhausted.

I may be feeling suffocated because of my fear of intimacy but at this point in my life, I don’t care anymore. Let me be alone.

That sounds incredibly pessimistic but if any of you have been readers over the past year, you’ve seen me run in circles. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of trying to decipher what it all means.

 

Sometimes you just want to live without the ever-lying pressure of how you’re helping or hindering your future self.

 

For some reason, relationships feel like a loss of freedom to me.

I’m still trying to figure out why.

It may be the rising Virgo in me, but I don’t do well with spontaneity. I desperately want to be the person who can drop everything in a moment’s notice and yet it takes a lot for me to say yes to those last-minute plans.

To me, relationships feel like a never-ending cycle of last-minute plans.

I can’t predict any of it. There’s pressure to say yes when you really want to say no. I feel expected to always be put together in case of said plans.

When I’m alone, I don’t feel that heaping pressure. I feel okay to do whatever I want because independence tells me so.

I don’t know when exactly this pattern began within me, but the more I look back on the past decade, I see my commitment fears have always been there.

My friends growing up always thought it was odd I never had boyfriends or voiced any romantic interest in anyone.

 

In truth, I was scared. I’m still scared.

 

As time goes on, I find it hard to remain hopeful that I’ll ever break out of this cycle.

The easiest solution from an outside perspective is to just stick it out with the ‘good’ guys and I’ll be free from it. And yet, if you saw how much my mental health declined once I reach the claustrophobic state, you’d see why I get myself out of there.

I can’t do anything but lay in bed. I ignore everyone. I cry at everything. If I’m forced to be out because of work, I’m quiet and nothing but internally frustrated.

It confuses the hell out of the men I date because I go from my ‘normal’ self to this shell of a person. Nothing huge even has to occur for me to reach this decline.

I believe this is why I’ve found myself so drawn to emotionally unavailable men – I’m emotionally unavailable myself.

Yes, many great men exist in the world around me, but the internal claustrophobia I’ve experienced has been borderline traumatic.

In my eyes, it makes more sense to go after men who could never commit because claustrophobia will never arise. You can’t change an emotionally unavailable man unless they want to change themselves, so the fear is lessened with them. However, these men do nothing for your self-esteem.

It’s terrifying to me how long these patterns have gone on. It frustrates me that the most typical of dating advice has never applied to me. I’ve told myself for years that I truly do want a healthy relationship, but I’m beginning to wonder what that entails for me. You can say you want something but as Mark Manson would put it, what flavor of shit sandwich are you willing to eat?

We dress up our lives full of wants and goals but alas, when it comes to work we need to actually put in, we aren’t down for it. Manson has touched on the fact he thought he wanted to play guitar in a famous band and yet, he hated every ounce of practicing and what tour life would require. It wasn’t a shit sandwich he was willing to eat. It didn’t make him a failure, but someone who recognized that what he thought he wanted wasn’t actually something he was willing to work for. The journey to the end goal brought on more pain than pleasure, so, as a self-aware one does, he redirected course and later found a passion for writing.

He was willing to pull the long hours, meet the deadlines, and spend hours in research to improve his content. This was a shit sandwich he could get down with.

While yes, my happiness in relationships may be a tad different from Manson’s change of careers, but the question remains the same – to find bliss in my romantic life, am I willing to go through the chutes and ladders it takes to get there? Am I willing to sit with my claustrophobia? Am I willing to be done with the high emotionally unavailable men give me?

As much as I want to scream ‘yes’ at the top of my lungs, I don’t know if I’m willing to down that shit sandwich quite yet.

I believe recognizing it is a step in the right direction, but as I stated earlier, the thought of immersing myself in my relationships yet again hurts to think about.

It’s not something I’m willing to face quite yet. I know I can’t run from it forever, but I think the least I can do currently is be honest about it.

Instead of being cold to men or expecting them to read my mind, I can verbalize that I want to be alone.

Instead of making jokes or hiding how I truly feel, I can share exactly what is running through my mind like I have here.

I truly wasn’t expecting this entire post to be about my intimacy issues, but in the end, I needed to let it out. I’ve felt so alone in my relationship fears for so long that sharing them makes me hope that the right person will stumble upon this.

I remember constantly scrounging Google in my early teens trying to understand why I couldn’t hold a relationship or felt overwhelming suffocation from my partners right off the bat. I believe I only ever found one forum post from someone who felt the same as me. The comments? People writing this person off as being too young and not mature enough for a relationship. Well, almost a decade later, I can tell you immaturity wasn’t the problem. I hope that girl is doing well today.

I don’t know when I’ll be willing to work on these issues. I want to force myself because I am so tired of playing this same broken girl story over in my head, but I’m tired of shaming myself.

 

I’m not emotionally ready and that is okay. I want to put myself first and that is okay.

 

I want to focus on loving the person I am because as we’ve all been told, loving yourself is the first step towards loving another person. I’ve been so focused on what I’m doing right and wrong when it comes to love that I haven’t felt okay in a long time. I’m not a broken girl who can’t love someone else. I can. I’m just a girl who has to believe she is worth the same in return – it’s that part that has left me broken.

I say all of this now, but life is unpredictable. I have no idea who or what is going to be thrown at me tomorrow. All I can do is a be a little more honest with myself daily.

 

I think that’s all we can ever ask of ourselves – to be honest.

Not only with other people, but with ourselves.

 

The more you lie or brush aside how you truly feel, the more intensely it will rise to the surface.

I’m scared of relationships and I’m tired of denying that.

I know the reasons behind my fear have to do with my own insecurities, so from there, I know I need to work on myself. Not in the sense to make my life ‘perfect’ and do everything right so I feel whole, but to become okay with the person I am already. I know no matter how many goals I reach or self-help books I read, a lack within me will still exist until I stop searching for something to fix me.

To stop looking for the perfect quote to sum up how I feel or the piece of advice that will suddenly erase my problems – the problems are here and they’re getting to a point where they can no longer be glossed over.

I’m not going to find anything out there to fix me. I have to go inward. I have to sit with myself and truly begin to dissect the inner workings of my mind.

When something makes me feel insecure, ask myself why and from there, ask more questons.

It’s a bit like Byron Katie’s process called The Work. I haven’t read much of her material, but I know her entire philosophy stems around the idea that to change our thoughts, we need to question them. I actually have two of her books in my closet that I’ve never read – maybe I’ll break those out.

Instead of using self-help as a way to incorporate new ideas in to my world, I want to start from the beginning. I want to figure out where my beliefs lie currently and work from there. It’s going to be tough. It might trip me up a few times. But god, I am tired of living in a never-ending loop of insecurity.

My mental health may be better than it has ever been, but even then, it was in a pretty shit place to start with. There’s more work to be done within and working on myself, no matter how painful, is a shit sandwich I’m willing to swallow.

 

I’m a work in progress, we all are.

It’s becoming okay with that rather than trying to find a way to end the progress.

We’re incomplete beings and that is how it was always intended to be.

 

We were never meant to figure it all out, but to find little tidbits along the way that add to our existence. I know deep down that being on my own forever won’t satisfy me, but for now, that’s what feels good to me. The rush to have everything we want out of life as soon as possible is the reason for a lot of our anxieties.

We can think about the things we want, but what truly makes a difference is realizing if those things are a current help or hindrance to your life.

I stopped working out earlier this year because I had a toxic mindset around it. Now, I feel more confident than ever in my body and food choices – which in turn, leads to fitness not having the same effect on me that it used to.

 

Timing is everything when it comes to the flow of our lives.

 

Just because my relationships have been rocky for so long doesn’t mean that they are doomed in the future – maybe a step back is all that’s needed here. A true detox of my broken girl mentality to take the time to show compassion and heal my inner wounds.

I’m going to be okay.

It may not be right now, it may not be next month.

But in the end, life has always shown me that things work out if you let go of them.

So, for the foreseeable future, my own self-concept is my priority.

To find love for myself in ways I have never known, to show grace for the parts of myself that have known nothing but shame.

The cycle ends here.

The beauty of it all is that with one end always comes a new beginning – I don’t know what that beginning entails or even what it means right now, but I’m willing to find out.

So on that note, shit sandwich for one – coming right up.