I wish I could shake myself out of my mind sometimes.

It constantly feels like different aspects of my mind are going against each other.

There’s the part of me that loves to be spontaneous; she doesn’t care about what the future holds, she’s down for any and all plans, and is a complete open book. She’s receptive to the world around her and in turn, people are even more receptive towards her.

Then there’s the part that needs to know everything; she needs a life plan, a structured schedule to follow, and goals to achieve. If she’s not working towards a goal, she wonders the point of doing anything in the first place.

These two aspects were arguing up a storm this week.

I keep trying to create structure in my daily routine since I’m not working, but the part of me that needs to go with the flow hates it. I set out a plan to attend a workout class or go to the gym every morning this week. I ended up snoozing my alarm for half of these plans and feeling extremely guilty once I finally pulled myself out of bed.

 

That’s been hard recently – getting out of bed.

 

When you have nowhere to be or no one to see, the idea of leaving seems pointless. I try morphing my days in to this neat structured plan to beat it yet I find the days I’m supposed to get up are the worst. Not the best when you’re paying workout cancellation fees. ($15 if you don’t cancel 12 hours in advance)

I thought the fees would hold me accountable, but I find myself feeling even more inclined to not go. It’s felt like a depressive spell at times and if anyone is familiar, you’ll know your depression doesn’t care about consequences. It just wants to wallow, so when I’m in that mood, $15 feels like nothing.

Later on, when I’m in a feel-good or normal head space, I beat myself up for this. I tell myself I won’t cancel anymore and yet, morning comes and I do it again.

As I’m sure we all know at this point, my body image struggle has had a hold on me for a long time.

Every time I cancel a class or roll back over in bed when I should be throwing shoes on, that old shame voice follows me. The voice that tells me I’m never going to reach my fitness goals or get in shape. The voice that shames where my body is despite how much I try to take care of it.

In the name of trying to add structure to my life, I have been triggering an old wound.

 

It’s crazy how we can constantly try to do good things for ourselves and we never feel satisfied.

 

I’ve been realizing this more and more recently.

A month ago, all I wanted was time for myself. I didn’t want to feel confined to someone else’s schedule, get more sleep, and have time for things I loved.

Now, with all of this time, I’m feeling a little stir crazy.

I predicted this because I was unemployed briefly last year and the craziness happened almost immediately. It’s true that you can have too much of a good thing. I love that I can sleep more and have this sense of freedom yet I already miss the structure. I miss seeing lots of people everyday. And of course, the financial security.

Thing is though, I know I’m meant to be in this phase of my life. With every decision you make, you always learn more about yourself and what you want.

I thought I wanted endless free time and a remote content writer position, but now I’m craving an actual work environment.

However, the catch with applying for jobs is to only reach out to places that ignite something in you  – places that excite you. You feel a shift in energy as you read the advertisement.

If you apply for the first thing you see and dive into it with this chaotic, ‘need money’ energy, you’re asking for a chaotic work experience.

 

The things that are meant for us will never feel off or messy. It will all come naturally.

 

So, I’m trying to calm down the aspect of me that wants to have it all figured out. It’s been a real buzz kill.

I’m thinking I sign up for classes as I want to go, apply to the jobs that feel good to apply to, and let this need for control take a backseat. It’s funny. I’ve been trying to plan to not stress myself out and the planning itself has been one of my main stressors.

Going with the flow seems irresponsible on the surface, especially when it comes to career and health, but forcing yourself through things you don’t want to do leads to a terrible life.

All we ever have is the moment before us. That’s it.

The past can’t be changed and the future has become this place where our dreams go to die. If we don’t live a life we enjoy now, we’re never going to. If you’re miserable now and continue to coerce yourself into things you hate, your future life will only be a mirror of that. Change happens now.

 

If something isn’t working, fix it.

 

One of my favorite, most basic quotes is ‘If you’re not happy where you are, move. You are not a tree.’

As humans, we’ve been given this beautiful tool of free will. We have the power to do absolutely anything we want, but we create these restrictions in our head as to what can and cannot be done.

We don’t quit our jobs because we need the money. We stay in relationships because starting over with someone else is a hassle if where you are isn’t terrible.

 

Think about this though.

 

We stay in a terrible job for the money. Is that really the only way to make money? In 2018, where people are making money off of FitTea sponsorships and editing The Office video reels for YouTube, you’re telling me your job is the end all, be all?

Of course not. It’s comfortable, yes, but if you feel terrible day in and out, that’s not where you’re meant to be. Don’t put your happiness on hold for the future when your future will always be a reflection of your present.

The people who live out their dreams are the ones who take charge of their lives. Don’t stick around for safety and sure as hell don’t stick around where you are not celebrated.

If you are not celebrated in your relationship, do not settle.

You can wait around forever for someone to change or you can let go and eventually find someone who never thinks you’re too much. The choice is up to you.

 

The key to life, as simple as it sounds, has always been to follow what feels good.

 

If it feels good internally, your external world will display that.

If more of us stopped playing victim to the world, but instead truly figured out what lights up our lives, a lot of conflict would be solved. Not only with each other, but in our inner world as well.

I don’t know where life is taking me. I don’t have the slightest clue.

All I know is if I am gentle with where I am and do what feels good daily, the universe will deliver.

No need for crazy plans or being ‘realistic’ – if we do what we want, our lives will unfold beautifully.

 

Society doesn’t want us to know this.

 

If we knew how simple getting what we want was, businesses would lose their minds. They thrive on us needing to ‘better ourselves.’

They don’t want us to do good. They like us stressed.

We buy the relaxation products, the weight loss programs.

If we’re not happy with our day-to-day lives, we’ll cope with shopping or indulge in food. There’s plenty of other coping mechanisms, but those tend to top the charts.

I’m telling you, we have the power.

We don’t need to have a five-year-plan. We don’t need to know it all. We don’t need to force ourselves through our lives in the name of doing what we’re supposed to be doing.

 

The only thing you’re supposed to be doing is what you actually want to do.

 

Some say all they would do is lay around with Netflix – they wouldn’t actually be productive.

Like I said earlier, too much of a good thing never ends well. They would get bored. They would crave doing something else with their time after a while. As humans, we’re always developing new desires.

We don’t come down here for a mundane existence.

Switch up your routines. Take different routes home. Go to places you’ve always wanted to go to.

 

Despite what we like to tell ourselves, we are the biggest wall between where we are and where we want to be.

 

Stop holding yourself back.

 

Right now, what are you doing?

What’s planned for today? Tonight?

Are you excited about any of it?

Why or why not?

 

If you’re not saying a hell yeah to your life, you’re saying a hell no. Mark Manson could tell you that.

So, I’m letting the planning aspect of me take a backseat this week. She needs a xanax.

Wherever you’ve been holding yourself back, I hope this ignited a fire in your bones.

 

If I’ve learned anything though, there’s a difference between taking in information and actually acting on it.

 

I’ve read countless self-help books yet I’ve realized that while I wrote the shit out of my notes, I never truly implemented what I learned. I just went on to the next book. No wonder I can re-read many of these books and it feels like the first time.

That’s all life is really. Acting, reflecting, fine-tuning, and acting again.

Each day we’re given the opportunity to try something new, to try again.

And if that doesn’t get me out of bed, I don’t know what will.