Today has been a breath of fresh air.

I’m not exactly sure what triggered me, but I’ll try to dissect it for you here.

Last night, I went out to the bar for a bit. I was tired and a bit lethargic after work but nonetheless, I’m trying to say yes more. I was ungodly hung over, so no alcohol for this girl, but I did indulge in some fried tofu and sushi. Good decision all around.

Well, as the night came to a close, we looked through old photos and went on a mini night drive. As I looked through those photos of pre-social Kim and sleepily looked out the car window, I came to a realization.

 

I had lost touch with any sense of direction in my life.

 

I went to bed last night, swearing up and down to wake up early today; I didn’t leave my bed until 1pm.

For the past month, getting out of bed has been extremely difficult for me.

I don’t plan my life anymore, I flow – I see what comes to me. While that has been a nice change from the perfectionism I used to berate myself with, I’m slowly starting to realize that I no longer feel that I’m working towards anything.

I’m not in school. I don’t have a set career path. I write of course, but I stopped making it anything more than a hobby.

My life consists of work, going out, errands, and going down mindless internet rabbit holes.

See, even writing this out, part of me feels off. It feels like my past self who used to plan everything is taking over and trying to rain on the parade of the girl who has stopped caring about anything.

I feel like I can’t win.

Either I plan and I feel trapped or I don’t and I feel lost.

This is strange actually. I started this post off feeling very positive about all the planning I did today. I was ready to tell you all about it and now all I have is a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I’ll tell you anyway though.

 

When I finally got out of bed, I did my typical morning routine of journaling and reading my meditation book. I say typical, but to be honest, I stopped doing that as well. Instead of journaling daily, it turned in to once a week, if that. I’ve been trying to incorporate it again though because I know letting my thoughts out always feels relieving.

I wrote about a dream I had – one of those dreams where someone makes you very angry all throughout and when you wake up, you feel angry at said person for things they never actually did.

It was the guy I hadn’t talked to in a year, so I was confused why my brain had him show up. I hardly think about him anymore, so being all stirred up by him in my dream was a tad emotionally draining.

I made some coffee, cooked some oats, and watched some Teal Swan videos to clear my head.

I watched a video of hers all around the concept of commitment. It fell in line perfectly with my realization from the night before – I wasn’t committing to anything because I wanted to be ‘free’ when in truth, not committing is a commitment to not committing.

 

This is what sparked my entire day.

 

I’ve known for a long time that I struggled with commitment in my relationships, but I didn’t realize how long the line actually stretched. The only reason I commit to going to work is because I know it is a priority. When it comes to other aspects of my life, I see myself as the one in control, hence no overlying need to be attached to any plan.

I talk about how excited I am to not care about anything anymore – how going with the flow has saved my perception of life. I see now that while I love allowing myself to enjoy being with friends, watching movies, or just having complete chill days, I don’t feel the same excitement to get out of bed that I used to.

Mornings used to be my safe space.

Meditation, journals, and even yoga a couple of months ago used to be my place. Now, I’ll be scheduled for a five ‘o clock night shift and won’t leave my bed until 1pm. It feels like a waste.

So, I took a long shower – lit candle, music and all, to reflect.

 

What did I want out of my life?

 

Forty five minutes later, I sat down at my desk with a work notebook I hadn’t touched in months.

This notebook consisted of goals, aspirations, and plans. Funny enough, I had a checklist of my New Year’s resolutions and managed to cross a few off.

As I sat there with this notebook though, I saw how much I wanted to accomplish when this year started out. I wanted to travel, find an apartment, adopt a cat, make friends, be in a relationship, turn my blog in to a business, the whole nine yards.

Basically I wanted a complete ideal life in the span of twelve months which I’m glad I see is a little insane of my past planner self.

Whilst I did cross off a few of those goals, I saw how much what I wanted for myself changed.

At the time, I was in such a rush to get everything. I wanted to play with universal laws and make the law of attraction my bitch.

I thought that crossing off all of these resolutions would make me happy. Thing is, they are things that would make me happy, but I don’t need to set a deadline on it. Things always work out when they’re meant to. However, we can’t just idly sit by and wait for things to land in our laps. We have to take those little actions to get what we want because without action, the Universe has nothing to work with.

 

So, I sat there and made a new list of goals.

 

Some were the same, some a little different.

I still want to live in my own apartment, but I’m letting that goal go for the time being. The timing doesn’t feel right nor is it something I’m willing to work towards right now. If a chance opportunity presents itself, I’ll be all ears, but I’m not letting that goal dictate how I spend my life currently. The timing will work itself out.

I do want to adopt a kitten – a grey one specifically. I have an adult cat whose been with me since I was a little girl. I adore her to death, so getting the kitten wouldn’t be to replace her. It’s more so to give her someone to be with while I’m gone and, when the time comes, someone to be with me when she goes. I’ve looked at adoption agencies a few times this year, but haven’t really made an effort to make it happen.

I was waiting until I moved out to get a new cat, but thing is, we can’t plan for when the timing is right. A bit of a contradiction after what I said about the apartment, but the difference is my energy behind each decision. Getting an apartment doesn’t feel right hence the timing isn’t right. But, getting the kitten does in fact feel good to do so, hence timing doesn’t have to wait for when the circumstances are right.

I’ve made friends and re-connected with old ones this year, so high-five for that.

My romantic life has been at the forefront of my mind for two years now, so I’m up for taking a breather on that one, especially after two weeks ago.

I’ve decided that I definitely want a tattoo before the year is over. I have a design that I’ve looked at for the past five months. I found a great artist. All that’s left is to muster up the courage to email him and go through with it.

 

And now, for the grand finale, travel.

 

I haven’t touched on travel much here, more so on my past blog, Kimtells. I took two solo trips back in 2017 and wrote travel diaries on the blog – one in Portland, one in Vegas.

Portland was my first taste of what the world was like outside of my bubble. I’ve lived in the same state my entire life, never even been outside the country. Seeing Portland for two days all on my own was terrifying yet liberating. I couldn’t believe I actually traveled there, going anywhere exciting always felt like a pipe dream.

Three months later, I went to Vegas for Hay House Live! to see Gabrielle Bernstein speak.

Vegas wasn’t that great of a trip hence why I haven’t traveled anywhere since. I was in one of the loneliest spots of my life in 2017 and feeling that loneliness on the opposite side of the country traumatized me a bit.

Seeing Gabrielle was great, but even then, the event left me feeling alone. I came back feeling alone.

Yet, my itch to travel is still with me.

I almost went to Asheville last year, but I couldn’t get my finances figured out for it. Plus I was still scared of going somewhere and feeling that alone again. All in all, the timing wasn’t right. I promise I’ll stop saying that now.

Looking to this year, I’ve felt the most connected to other people than I have in a long time. I have a constant group of people I can turn to. I have friendships that span beyond that group. I feel good being out in the world again. I’m happier. When my loneliness comes up, I realize now that I’m not actually alone, but that my mind is only reverting back to old beliefs. I challenge the thoughts a bit more now than I used to.

 

With that being said, I booked a four-day solo trip to Asheville in November.

 

It was completely spur of the moment.

As I was writing out my goals list, I remembered a travel tip someone told me once – instead of picking dates and finding flights, see what days you can fly the cheapest. I used Skyscanner. (#nospons)

Funny enough, Asheville came up. The prices were insanely cheap and the time of the flights was surprisingly good.

From there, I checked on AirBnb and found a perfect place. The aesthetic, location, and even the price ($111 – for my spiritual folks, like I needed more of a sign!) was calling to me.

So, I booked it and I couldn’t be more excited.

Not to mention I was able to pay out of pocket; all of my past trips were credit card expenses. I have two months to save up some fun money and I’m golden.

I’m thrilled to spend some time alone given how codependent-focused my year has been. I hear Asheville is beautiful in the Fall and with it being my favorite time of year, everything about this trip feels right.

This entry has been such a jumble of emotions.

I’m scared of committing to plans given my past yet without taking those actions, I wouldn’t have ended up booking a trip. I wouldn’t adopt a new cat. I wouldn’t be getting a tattoo.

Making a plan of action is okay, Kim. I need you to see that. Life doesn’t have to be an all or nothing, zero sum game.

I know I’m not alone in this thought process. It’s all I see when I check my social media.

People hustling and burning out or not trying at all. I hardly see a soul who isn’t on one end of the extremes.

It’s hard to convince someone who plans everything that life isn’t meant to be scheduled at all times whilst telling a go-with-the-flow type to make a plan is crafting a recipe that’ll never be cooked.

Thing is, we’re all on our own journeys. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong because as you can see, I change my mind about that all the time.

What was right for me yesterday may completely turn me off today. We never know what we will be called to next.

I know that right now, in this moment, I feel called to set some goals again. Take some actions. Dive in to the things I’ve thought about but have been waiting for the ‘right’ moment.

 

The moment is now. The moment will always be now.

 

I’ve known this, I’ve preached this, and yet, practicing it always proves to be a different story.

I don’t have to plan every inch of my life, but man, even knowing that going to work = more money for Asheville has me more excited to get out of bed tomorrow.

Goals aren’t as much of an enemy as I plagued them to be, however, day-by-day living is something I will continue to practice.

I won’t deny myself a movie night or going out for the sake of priorities. I won’t force myself to do anything because I have to do it.

I’ll have my goals in mind, but without the added stress. It’s definitely a tight rope and even writing that feels daunting, but I know I don’t need to achieve a perfect sense of balance.

Because then trying to achieve balance becomes a goal in and of itself. I swear, our minds will go through wormholes to keep us attached to our old ways.

The only thing I know to be true is everything is working itself out behind the scenes.

 

Goals aren’t meant to be a hindrance or keep us tied down, but to enhance our quality of life.

 

Getting my apartment down the line will feel amazing because that sense of independence is something I’ve craved for years.

Going back to spin classes will be a much-needed release for me.

Adopting that cat and getting my tattoo are just little things that excite me.

Traveling somewhere new for the hell of it is for exactly that, the hell of it.

To take a breather, to see the world around me. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.

 

In this life, we’re always looking for how we can improve without seeing how far we’ve already come.

I’m sitting here scared of falling back in to old perfectionist habits when truth is, I will never be the person I once was. Even if I incorporate old things back in to my life, it is a different version of me experiencing them.

 

So, I leave you with this.

 

There is no right or wrong way to live, your path is yours and yours alone. If you spend forty years planning out your life and find by forty-one, you’re ready to re-locate and zen out, that’s your move.

If you find yourself lost for decades only to find a passion at sixty-two, that was the plan.

I’m only twenty-two in the grand scheme of it all. My life is no reflection of those around me, but a journey all my own.

It’s following that journey that keeps me connected to the souls I meet.

Without my own sense of self, old habits of people-pleasing and inauthenticity are bound to come to the surface yet again.

And hey, if they do, I’ll learn from it again.

There is no race down here. We act like competition exists and this world is designed to present that facade, but all we’re here for is to experience ourselves in the physical realm.

To find those things that light us up, to fall in love with those around us.

Life is but a game we’ve all been too worried about beating.

 

It’s okay to pause and take a break.

It’s okay to repeat the same course and go back to collect the items you missed the first time around.

It’s okay if you don’t reach goals at the same speed as other players.

 

Like I said, no rush.

Do you.

And from there, you’re never short of what you need.