I don’t do it often, but sometimes I’ll explore my blog page.

It blows my mind that my posts span four years now. I started writing on here privately in early 2017 and didn’t start writing publicly again until later that year. I had my first blog prior, but left that handle behind to pursue a fresh start.

I wish I had preserved those posts, but my journals during that time provide enough nostalgia for me.

It’s wild to see the growth I’ve experienced throughout my early 20’s. I’ll be 25 this June, so Lust for Growth truly feels like a time capsule to me.

 

It shows a lot of the phases I went through and the realizations that came from them.

 

I see the heartbreaks I experienced, my confidence levels shift, and overall, the embodiment of what it means to grow as you go.

That’s why I started writing publicly in the first place.

We’re all growing daily in our lives and with those ups and downs, we find ourselves asking a million questions.

It’s weird to go back and see the advice I gave when I was 21.

Some of it holds up, other parts scream I was trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing.

I’ll hit creative blocks at times where I feel like I’ve covered everything I need to. But, when I go back and re-read old posts, I see how a 21 year old’s perspective can be wildly different than where I’m at now. Even when it feels like we’ve said all we need to say, there’s so much more we haven’t experienced yet.

It’s those life experiences that give you new lessons and wisdom to continue your journey on.

I used to think I was only destined to be alone or attract people in to my life who would never accept me for the real me. I thought everyone was only cool with the facade I’d portray.

We all have one when we first meet someone. We’re not going to lay out every quirk or weird habit right off the bat. There’s a reason we slowly let our walls down as we meet people.

 

Back then, I never let those walls fall.

 

I kept them sturdy even when I told myself I wasn’t.

I thought people just didn’t like me when in reality I never let anyone get too close. I gave them inklings into who I was, but wouldn’t let it progress any further. I thought I was only able to attract emotionally unavailable people into my life.

Thing is, at the time that was true.

I wasn’t ready to open myself emotionally therefore I attracted exactly what would keep me in my bubble. Emotionally unavailable people keep you at the perfect arms length for comfort.

In our heads, we’re upset because we think we want them to be a huge part of our lives and they’re giving nothing back.

Those thoughts are totally different than the energy we give off though.

We say we want all of these things and wish for them, but once the wish arrives, we become uncomfortable. We never saw things actually panning out how we wanted.

When we want a change in our lives, we forget a key factor.

 

Change externally requires change internally.

 

We can’t create new experiences and new habits if we proceed to live the way we always have.

I’d say I want someone to date or a best friend.

But, when those opportunities arose, I shut them down.

When a guy was nice and made an effort, I freaked out. All those butterflies of the chase would turn into immediate dread. It went from a possibility to something I actually had to act on. Acting on it would mean I would have to change my response to intimacy. I would have to be open with that person and truly let them into my bubble.

 

In theory, it was everything I wanted.

 

In actuality, I was terrified and wanted nothing to change. I was afraid of judgment from this person and the unknown. It was untouched territory in my life at the point, so I escaped from it immediately. I’d become distant. I’d block the other person. I’d pretend the whole thing never happened.

When it came to friendships, I never made an effort to reach out. Other people entering my life meant I had to leave my safe space of only having myself. It meant I had to share myself with another person and the thought alone terrified me.

 

The thoughts and actions didn’t line up in the slightest.

 

I’d pity myself over never feeling connection when I made damn sure it never happened.

I came to this realization somewhere in 2018, but I didn’t gain the courage to move into it until 2019. It took a long time for me to begin breaking my barriers down because I didn’t know what territory I was moving in to. Everything was an unknown and the risk almost felt too much.

It wasn’t until I accepted my lack of connection far outweighed the fear I had behind it. I had to make changes in my life if I ever wanted to see a difference in my life experience.

Like I said though, it took a hell of a lot of time.

I remember when I got into my first real relationship, I truly had to take each day as it came so my fear wouldn’t take over.

I almost cancelled our first date solely because of the pressure I was putting on myself. A date made everything feel too real.

Once I made it through the date, I realized I did it. It wasn’t as scary as I made it out to be. It was actually fun and felt like such a big step in my journey.

 

After that, I continued to take baby steps.

 

I slowly got more comfortable with the idea of not being on my own anymore. It began to feel good to have a companion in my life.

Looking back on my 2017 posts, those experiences felt impossible at the time. I never thought I’d be able to get past my fear in the beginning.

My past relationships always lasted two weeks. My flings or crushes would last longer because there was no commitment, but a relationship itself could only stand two weeks in my mind.

Once I made it through two weeks, I saw that it was possible for me. I saw the change I always wanted when it came to letting someone else in.

It’s been a while now, so I don’t think about that fear much anymore. It wasn’t until I read back those posts that I truly realized how far I had come since then.

The things that used to terrify me became a part of my life. I did that for myself.

We tend to pass through our days because life catches up with us.

We have priorities and little things that take up our time throughout the day. We don’t spend much time just sitting down and really reflecting on what we’ve overcome over the years.

It’s liberating though.

 

When we’re in the midst of something, we don’t realize what’s going on half the time.

 

I knew I was doing something different with my last relationship, but I didn’t know at the time how much I’d changed my perspective.

I began to see myself as someone who did deserve love – not emotionally unavailable excitement from afar.

I let myself fully go into this new experience and take it in. I didn’t run. I didn’t hide. I was there for myself daily until I felt strong enough to let go of the internal pep talks.

It became something I no longer consciously had to work through. It was something I genuinely wanted to do.

That isn’t to say you need to push yourself through everything in your life until you’re over it.

 

Sometimes the things we want aren’t the things we need.

 

We learn that by receiving what we want and observing how it actually made us feel in the end.

I knew that connection was something I wanted in my life. I knew it was something that we all needed to survive as humans.

 

We’re told the only person we need is ourselves when that just isn’t true.

 

The world used to be more like a community in the past, not single family households.

When we were a part of a pack, we felt safe. Everyone looked out for each other and that was home.

Now, we’re all in our own families and it becomes easier to isolate ourselves. We tell ourselves we don’t need people from the outside world. We don’t need that connection because we cultivated something all our own inside our separate walls.

Thing is, there’s still that survival instinct within us. That instinct of needing a pack. That feeling of having connection with something much larger than ourselves.

We need to be our own best friends, yes that’s true.

We’re the person we’re going to spend the most of our time with for the rest of our lives.

 

However, avoiding connection is a damn shame in a world that was built to connect.

 

Nothing feels better than a feeling of belonging with someone else.

Belonging isn’t to say you need to fit in with the crowd or change yourself for others. It’s much more simple than that.

A feeling of belonging is solely the act of seeing the other person as you. You both feel taken care of by the other. You feel happy with them in your presence. Creating a bond with someone says you both are on this life journey and you’d be happier if the other person was a part of it.

There’s so much more we can learn from those around us than living in our internal dialogue. We see one perspective in a vast universe. We have our own set of experiences, our own upbringings.

 

Others can provide windows into your own soul.

 

The people we attract into our lives always contain something in them that either we know about ourselves or a trait we’ve disowned.

We aren’t brought people by pure circumstance. They enter your life exactly when they’re meant to for a soul purpose.

It sounds woo-woo and out there, but it’s a hill I will die on.

In recent years, I’ve been brought people who were exactly what I needed at the time. Some are still with me now, some aren’t.

 

The people in your life are a direct reflection of where you both are on your journey in this world.

 

I no longer attract emotionally unavailable people because I am no longer in that season of my life.

It doesn’t mean I attract perfect people now, friendships or otherwise, but it means I’m moving in to new lessons.

When we become aware of this, we can see every person in our lives as a blessing.

Without those people or experiences, we wouldn’t stand where we are now.

We can learn all we want on our own, as I did for years, but I challenge you to see where your relationships stand in your life. There’s a lot more to learn there than any book can ever provide you.

 

Reflection can be a scary thing.

 

Sometimes we don’t want to see our past or where we’re at now because we aren’t happy. We don’t want to mull further over our darker days.

It’s not something you need to do often.

There are times where I’ll go a full week or two without checking in with myself.

I’ll journal or meditate to stay centered, but sometimes I still feel the dishonesty. I know when I’m hiding from a feeling or avoiding something I need to tackle emotionally.

It’s something you need to be ready for. Don’t rush it.

 

We aren’t meant to push through our lives for the hell of it.

 

We’re meant to enjoy our life experience in the long run. We’re here to learn, yes, but at the end of the day, we’re also here for the adventure.

 

We’re here to be surprised.

We’re here to watch our lives unfold.

We’re here to grow into the things we’ve always wanted.

 

On our worst days, we don’t see it. We see our hurt. We see only pain.

We’re here for those feelings as well.

 

Life isn’t a cut and dry experience, it’s going to be a rollercoaster.

It’s up to you when you’re on the ride and when you hop off.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

In the end, we’re here for the day-to-day.

We’re here to see what happens.

Reflect when you want and live when you can.

None of it is as serious as we think half the time.