I’ve been holding back.

It was never intentional, but the more I sit here tonight, the more it all becomes clear. I’ve been putting myself in to different boxes my entire life. I set my persona up in a way where I have to behave a certain way with certain people and portray certain parts of myself in certain scenarios, but when I’m left to my own devices, it all feels confusing.

Granted, I get that how you behave with a friend might be different from a boss, but in my case, I have no reason to be so divided. Honestly I don’t think any of us need to be. It sets us up to feel like complete frauds for half of our existence and that’s only if we’re actually being authentic the other 50%.

I talk about my blog all the time to others, but the moment someone tells me they read it, I feel completely exposed for some reason. Every single time.

In my daily life, I put on the facade of a girl who cares a lot less than she actually does. I joke all the time. I don’t take anything that seriously. I set myself up to be someone who can do what she’s told and do it with a smile. I make jokes at my own expense and I let others do the same. I don’t mind it at all actually. I like being the person who can make people laugh and lighten the mood.

However, when it comes to the inner workings of my mind, there’s so much going on that my daily self feels like a mask I’m putting on to cover it all up. It makes me feel afraid when people read my innermost thoughts because I’m no longer seen as just the funny girl. It instantly feels like people can see through my act even though my daily personality is very much me as well. To others, I feel like a fraud while I know deep down that every part of my personality is accurate to who I am.

This can be written off as a Gemini thing or as someone who has split personalities, but thing is, I believe we all have multiple personalities. We’re all built up of different fragments of one singular being. I used to believe I had one set personality when in reality all I was doing was choosing to identify with one aspect of myself – the aspect I approved of.

I love my writing. I love being able to share my thoughts on here and knowing others can be touched by them. I can talk about my writing no problem until someone actually reads my writing.

 

Then, the panic sets in, the wondering.

 

The shattering of the person they thought I was and who I actually am.

When if I just stopped myself in my tracks and took a breath, I would see that acknowledgement of my writing isn’t simultaneous with an identity crisis. I’m not disappointing anyone. I didn’t lead anyone on with a mask.

The person I portray myself to be and the deep-layered girl I share on here are both parts of me.

I don’t have to pick a side. I don’t have to choose one persona and roll with it. I am who I am and I’m tired of closing myself up when I feel ‘exposed’ by my writing.

I write for a reason. I share what I share for a reason.

I was never meant to publicize my thoughts without expecting any type of acknowledgement for it.

I know every time that a post goes live, someone is reading it. Some read all of them, some check in time and time again.

I know that if I’m ever going to fully immerse myself in my craft, I need to become okay with being seen – not just as the funny girl, but as all sides of me.

I need to be okay with others seeing the raw version of me because while jokes bring the laughs, sometimes too much truth lies behind them. Truth that I’m never willing to share unless it is on the page, alone in my sanctuary.

 

It’s something I realize every time someone mentions my writing; the act of writing alone in your room is a lot different than actively sharing those thoughts.

 

Since I was a little girl, I have been the friend that’s easy to tease. Not in a mean or hurtful demeanor, but I’ve always gone along with this ‘dumb’ friend act. I make stupid jokes or say silly things because I know the reaction will be a good one. But you see, the funny friend always keeps themselves at a distance emotionally. I didn’t realize this until recently.

It’s why in high school when I would hang out in my friend group, I always felt completely alone. I was the butt of a lot of jokes and on the surface, all seemed fine and good, but internally, I never felt anyone actually cared about me. I was solely seen as comedic relief.

I vividly remember a few nights where I felt nothing but undesirable. I was close with two other girls and my god, I felt like an awkward turtle next to two swans. Male attention went their way very easily and while I see now this had a lot to do with my own confidence issues, it still hurt a lot. It wasn’t necessarily romantic attention either. There were a ton of guy friends in our group and I never really felt understood by any of them, y’know? It was all jokes. When I was alone with them, I never knew what to say because not only did we not have an audience to make said jokes, I didn’t know how to open up to them at all. It’s not that I wanted to be the funny friend all the time, but I felt too far stuck in the role to get out of it.

Sharing any emotional issues felt out of character and extremely uncomfortable. No one realizes this either, so please, check in on your friends that are always the comedians. There’s a lot going on with them you might never expect.

I’m not even sure how my personality ended up this way. How is it possible that I’m completely depressed and in my head while also being the girl who can bounce around my job when I’m in a good mood? I mean, ever since I’ve gotten more serious about feeling my emotions, I definitely have had a few cries at work, but still, I laugh them off like they’re nothing. I make fun of the fact that I cried rather than talking about what made me so upset.

When others ask, sometimes I’ll share, but overall, I try to separate those two parts of my life. I assign daily life to my entertainer self and come home to introspection. I’m scared and unaware of how to intertwine the two.

It’s frustrating too because I constantly feel like I’m living two different lives. I walk in to my job and take a deep breath before walking out of the locker room – ‘it’s showtime’, I tell myself. Honestly this is me before I enter anything social because I’m trying to calm down the anxiety. Sometimes, I can enter situations and feel a sense of ease. If I feel genuinely seen or heard by the other people there, I’m okay. It’s when I don’t know others’ intentions or where they stand with me that my nervous system begins to break. It’s during those times where my entertainer self will try and try but ultimately, introspector comes back and leaves me silent in a crowded room.

 

Introspector is a lot different from the entertainer.

 

She has followed me for as long as I can remember. You see, entertainer can come out easily when I feel comfortable. If I trust who I’m with, I know where I am, and I know what to expect. It’s when the walls or people around me feel distant that the entertainer closes up. She’s only up for a show where she’s going to be seen.

Introspector takes over when I feel a sense of danger. Not even in the physical sense, but emotional. If I don’t know a lot of people around me, I feel rejected, I feel out of control or trapped, I don’t trust the situation I’m in, I have no desire to be where I am, and so on. To put it all under an umbrella, basically if I am uncomfortable, sad, or scared in any way, introspector comes out to help me process what’s going on.

Thing is, when she comes out in public, I turn in to a shell of a human being. I stop speaking. I get extremely clumsy and out of it. You’ll most likely hear me say ‘I don’t feel like myself’ or ‘I’m having an off day’ when all that’s occurring is introspector is trying to keep me safe. She wants to get me out of whatever is making me uneasy. It’s when she tries everything to get me out of a situation but I stay that a lot of my breakdowns occur.

It’s why I now have mala beads hanging in my car. A lot of my most prolific breakdowns have occurred on drives home. It’s when I spread instrospector so thin that she just loses it. I put her in the entertainer’s role for too long and that’s not what she was meant to play. I left her feeling unseen and unheard which ironically is why she took over in the first place – I was feeling unseen or unheard.

To some, a lot of this might sound bat-shit crazy. It might sound like I legitimately have a personality disorder when truth be told, I’m not the only one who has multiple sides to who they are. It’s the fact we don’t talk about it that makes my scenario even be seen as a mental condition.

In this society, we’re quick to find diagnosis’ in each other because if we have a name for what’s wrong with someone, we can find a cure. A medicine or therapy that can patch everything up like nothing was ever wrong.

For some, medicine can be a beautiful thing. I’ve been on antidepressants in the past and while they didn’t work for me, I know many people who have felt nothing but the benefits.

I used to be very against medicine actually. I still am at times, but after basically self-medicating myself for the past month, I’m starting to see the bigger picture.

 

Medicine makes you feel better, plain and simple. If we can’t feel better on our own, no matter how much we try, having medicine feels like a saving grace. It does what you can’t do for yourself.

 

The thing that has been scaring me the most is that I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to fully overcome my emotional traumas. I’m scared that they’re going to be the death of me. I’m worried that I’m going to succumb to coping mechanisms for the rest of my life and never actually move past anything. It’s why I’ve found myself escaping recently.

I’ve looked to food and shopping as comfort for years and now, all I want is to be out of my physical experience. I want to be in a different reality. I want to look at my life from a higher perspective, always. I’m tired of weeding through my life never getting anywhere. I want to feel a sense of freedom from all of the things that have held me back for so long.

If this post has any message, let it be this.

 

No matter how much you have, how much you do, or how many people in your life exist, mental illness shows no mercy.

 

I have thought for a long time that I can surpass my issues with a little bit of meditation and other holistic remedies, but I’ve been that girl before. I was the girl who did nothing but provide self-care for herself and I was left lonely and broken. I let loose these past couple of months and now? I’m a little less lonely but there are definitely new cracks in my being.

I feel broken more often than I let on.

Like I said, I’m the comedic relief. If anything at all, I do what I can to de-escalate any situation and make others laugh when all they feel is lost. I know the broken road and I know it well. If I see others headed for the same path, I try to divert them.

After letting this all out though, I’m starting to see that I can’t separate the entertainer and introspector forever. The funny girl needs support as much as the depressed girl needs a laugh. It’s time I stopped keeping them apart and allowed them both to exist as one.

It’s difficult to express your entire self when for years, you’ve been meticulously showcasing who you want to be. You’ve only let so many skeletons out of your closet while the rest were left to secrecy.

A girl who has been blogging publicly for two years might seem like an open book, but trust me when I say my writing has felt nothing but private. I don’t share these parts in the outside world.

Even when I discuss my writing, I keep it as light-hearted as possible despite how dark we can get on here.

This is my promise to myself that I’m willing to integrate all of me into this persona I’ve created. I can let the introspector and entertainer play their respective roles, but I need to be honest about it.  I am not one or the other. I am both. I don’t need to be the funny girl who never opens up or the quiet one who can’t wait to go home and dissect what upset her. Instead of only allowing certain aspects in certain places, I can allow each part of me to come up as they wish.

If I’m having a good day and suddenly I get tripped up by something or someone, I can share that. I don’t need to keep entertaining simply because I’m in public. By allowing what came up to come through me, I lower my chance of having a repressed breakdown a.k.a. not allowing myself to feel what I feel and having a complete meltdown when something, usually pretty minuscule, finally has me hit my breaking point.

 

It’s okay to be me.

All of me.

It’s okay that sometimes, people might not understand how I can be two sides of the same coin.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

 

It’s easy to say all of this now and go out in to the world tomorrow like nothing has changed, but I’m using this post to hold me accountable.

I came to this world with my very issues and quirks for a reason.

I don’t grasp why most of the time, but I know that holding who I am back isn’t bringing me any closer to understanding.

I am who I am and I’m no longer looking to keep myself in one field. I’m multifaceted. I have many sides, some that even take me by surprise.

My only job is to let those sides be seen, not just by me, but by those around me.

 

Connection is a lifeline we don’t realize we rely on and without letting myself be known, I can never truly know a bond with another. By picking and choosing what others see, the people meant for me cannot find me.

 

Day by day is the only comfort I have currently.

It’s having the knowledge that you can never expect the events of a day quite how they’re going to unfold.

While yes, you might have a premise of the day ahead, you never know the actual storyline until the day is over and done.

So, my hope is that the days go on, my commitment to integration will build – the sides will begin to mesh, the separation of selves will begin to fade.

And soon enough, you’ll be dealing with an introspective entertainer; which, if you ask me, seems like a pretty grand role to play.