It’s been an interesting week to say the least.

It’s currently Thursday as I’m writing to you and I’m on bed rest for a concussion – note to self, trying to pee outside when you’re too many shots deep leads to falling straight on your face.

I spent yesterday at the hospital which is probably the first time I’ve been in the ER since I was a child.

That’s been the least of my worries though – knowing it’s only a concussion and nothing worse eased my anxiety about it.

 

The more troublesome side of this week has been a struggle of knowing when to take a step back.

 

For months, I have been on a journey to recover from my codependent ways. I’ve been learning to say no more, to stand up for myself, to understand what relationship boundaries truly are, and most of all, grasping the idea that my self-worth isn’t dependent on other people, romantic or not.

The guy I’ve been hanging out with for some time now has been falling back in to a lot of old habits – habits that aren’t only detrimental to him, but those around him. Again, I said I’d be more honest on here, but I’m not going to air out other people’s stories. I will only share my side of the situation.

I’m sure many can guess the habit because when it comes to codependent relationships, many codependents end up with someone who struggles with some form of addiction.

My relationship to him started off physical, to friends, to a mix of both, to a few falling outs, to being in a place where we knew we couldn’t be there for each other in the ways we needed, so these habits rising to the surface again only further prove that point.

In my mind, I’ve been mulling over how terrifying it is when someone does a total 180 to the person they ‘actually’ are. Thing is though, the addict side of them very much is a part of them as well.

I’ve touched on multiple sides of ourselves before, but let me reiterate. There is no one side of us that is ‘who we actually are’ – there’s only bits and pieces of different sides we have that make up the whole of our being. We aren’t just the scholar/hard-working side of us nor are we the girl who lets those things go to get wasted and high. If we have contradicting parts of our personality, it doesn’t make us wrong or as if we’re going ‘against’ ourselves, but rather, different parts of us want different things.

 

It’s accepting all parts of ourselves and trying to co-habit them within ourselves that gives us any sense of peace when we experience a loss of self.

 

So, when the addict side comes back in him, I realize now that there aren’t two sides to him. It’s all a part of him and when the addict side wins, things don’t run as smoothly as when the other side wins, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t trying. It only means that part of him is overpowering the other aspects of him rather than trying to work together with them.

It’s hard to watch and I’ve been trying to figure out where I stand in this.

I know he isn’t a person I want to be with anymore. Even before these habits started up again, I knew this. I told myself all the time that I was ready to close that door and open myself to someone who actually vibes with all that I am.

Cause we both care for each other, but we want very different things out of life. It doesn’t make sense for us to be together. However, I saw a quote the other day that describes how I’m feeling perfectly.

 

“It’s funny when you date someone, it’s like you’re taking one long course in to who that person is; and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless… the emotional equivalent to an English degree.” – Ted Mosby

 

I’ve spent a few months with this person and while we’ve never been officially together, we still share this intimate bond with one another. I have memories with this person and starting over with someone new always feels daunting.

Logically I know we were never going to work, but this week has really been the nail in the coffin.

These habits are low-key going to remove him from daily life and while that sucks to realize, I also know this may be a new starting point for him. He might find what he’s looking for in life and I can’t try to keep him around for my own sense of comfort.

Because even though I’ll miss that feeling of normalcy I have with him, I know I can find that feeling again. I know there’s someone out there more equipped for me and the feeling will surpass this one.

 

A thought that has kept me afloat this week is the realization that I actually am making progress in my relationship issues.

 

At this point last year, I was just beginning to realize that I was only attracted to people who didn’t care about me. I was heartbroken over someone and thought it had to do with that person being ‘different’ from my past lovers when in reality the only difference was this person didn’t want me.

My relationships before that point were two-week to one-month encounters that left me feeling suffocated because the other person cared about me a lot more than I did. They wanted to hang out all the time, text all the time, do all of the couple things, and I couldn’t handle it. I realize now I couldn’t fathom why someone actually wanted to be with me. I didn’t see value in who I was and didn’t trust in my abilities to be a girlfriend to anyone. I didn’t think it was possible for me.

I believed I was aromantic up until 2016 when in truth, I believe I was looking for an excuse. An excuse to not try with anyone anymore. An excuse to be alone that no one could argue with.

I remember my therapist at the time doubting I was aromantic and I was angry about it. I thought she didn’t understand me or the spectrum when she really just wanted me to see my own insecurities. I miss her.

So last year when I actually felt real feelings for someone, I was in awe. That never happened for me which is why I think I was so heartbroken over the feeling not being reciprocated. However, once I realized that the only reason I liked him was his nonchalant attitude about me, everything changed. I saw that if this guy actually cared about me, I would have lost interest immediately.

This didn’t change the fact I still missed this person up until March of this year, but at least I understood why I felt the way I did.

When I started opening myself up to my new coworker, I didn’t expect to get over the guy from last year. I was just flirting and being casual about everything. I was still in pain and not ready to jump in to anything.

My feelings eventually got stronger for this person.

Even though we’ve had ups and downs over the past five months, we developed a love for one another. We knew we both had our issues and looked to each other as an escape.

 

I’m seeing now that our bond relied more on each of us struggling rather than thriving.

 

I don’t have many times where we were positive with each other, but more so enabling our own negative head spaces. It sucks, but it’s true. We didn’t empower each other, only enabled our own bad habits.

He would feed in to my depressed states and I would provide things to him that only kept him clutched to the addict side of him.

I believe we both deeply wanted to help one another, but neither of us truly knew what to do.

After this latest low point, I know this is the Universe telling me to let go. There’s nothing more I can do here. The longer I go on trying to make things better or exposing myself to this toxic environment, the harder it will be to move on.

It very much feels a like a break up, not even for the romantic side of things, but of a friendship as well. I got to know this person deeply over the past few months and here I am, starting over again.

I know this is what I have to do though.

It’s with this person that I truly saw what it was like to open myself up to someone physically and emotionally. It’s with these lessons that I feel ready for the next person to come along. Someone more in touch with my ideologies, my opinions. Someone who doesn’t need me at their beck and call, but wants me around purely for my presence.

I’m not asking for someone new immediately – I know I need some healing time here, but the difference is, I’m not mourning over anyone. I’m taking time for myself, by myself.

It’s mind-blowing to me how codependent I’ve been for most of my life. The fact I’m able to say no and not apologize for it anymore feels incredible. I still have my slip ups and guilty feelings from time to time, but I’m miles away from who I used to be. I see good qualities in myself outside of what I can do for others. I see my humor now. I see my ability to embrace my emotions. I see my talents. I know I’m always doing the best I can and other people see that in me as well.

 

I’ve found years worth of self-love in a matter of months.

 

This isn’t to say I don’t still struggle. I still have my nights of tears or those moments where I don’t see the point. That’s human. It’s never going to be perfect all of the time. It’s having the willpower to take that shower, eat, or watch something funny in moments of hopelessness that has kept me going. I don’t expect myself to be the best version of myself when my depression hits. I know instead that it’s going to be little actions that ultimately get me through whatever I’m struggling with.

Being on bed rest has put me very in my head the past few days. I haven’t been this involved in my emotions in a while, but it feels good to be processing everything. I’ve numbed myself with substances more than I’d like to admit this year, but I know I’m just experiencing a new chapter of my life. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt, but I do realize I haven’t been properly dealing with my emotions.

 

Numbing yourself out only lasts for so long – when the high wears off, you’re still left with your demons.

 

A few months ago, I was at a crossroads. I was stuck with trying to be the person I was and opening myself to new friends and experiences. I feel like I can finally say I’ve managed to integrate the two.

I take time for myself when I need it whilst pushing myself to say yes to plans and experiences more often. I don’t get tripped up about not being home anymore. I don’t stress about not writing everyday or meditating. I do those things when I’m in the mood and if I’d rather go out or just spend time doing something for ‘fun’, I do it.

Life isn’t meant to be lived so strategically. Goals and plans are great, sure, but it is when you grasp on to those so tightly that you lose that sense of play that made our childhoods so endearing.

It’s been a wild eight months so far, so here’s to the next three, baby girl.

I can’t wait to see what you do with them.