I have been debating how to start this post, but I know no matter how I word it, everything is still going to pour out jumbled. So instead of trying to create a perfect narrative, I figured I’ll see what flows out of me.

Well, I made a big life decision this week.

 

I decided to quit my job.

 

No plan or new job lined up, a lack of savings, and all in all, not a clue what is next for me. I’m lucky in the sense I have a support system to lean on during the transitional period yet the not knowing eats away at the ‘need-to-control’ aspect of me.

Since I was eighteen, I have worked in a coffee shop. Over the years, I gained promotions, transferred locations, and learned an immense amount of knowledge about the coffee business. I found this job right after I moved to a new area so it became my introduction to socializing in a world I didn’t grow up in. It was perfect for that phase of my life.

However, as time went on, I knew in my soul I was ready to leave.

I wasn’t excited about my life anymore. I tried to push on every single day and make the most of it, but all I felt was resistance. I blamed myself for not being happy about my life because I know so many people who would kill to have a reliable income and flexible hours. Yet these thoughts felt like I was taking everything for granted which only led to more self-shaming.

Last week was my breaking point.

As a girl who loves a nice two-hour morning routine before she starts her day, I was waking up five minutes before I had to be out the door. I was showing up late. I was disheveled, tense, and overall, beyond miserable to be there.

I did everything I could to put a positive spin on my circumstances which only led to hour-long breakdowns in my car, trying to comprehend why I was so unhappy.

Looking for the silver linings ultimately led to feeling worse than I did to begin with. By trying to bypass my negative emotions and focus on the positive, I was completely invalidating how I felt.

After four days of emotional hell, I came home and watched a Gabrielle Bernstein workshop. I hadn’t listened to her work in months, but she was one of the first people I resonated with at the start of my spiritual journey. I truly couldn’t muster up the energy to do anything but sit there and listen to her speak.

Once the two-hour talk was over, I shut my laptop. I sat there for ten minutes. No movement, just thought.

I got honest with myself.

For all of 2017, I have had at least one terrible day a week. It ranges from simply feeling off to a full-on emotional breakdown. After experiencing four non-stop breakdowns in a row, I finally felt ready to accept the truth. My job was running me completely dry.

It wasn’t the job itself – it was the memories I held to it. As much as I despise it, I am nostalgic as hell. I find myself looking back on my life over the past decade and trying to re-live every moment, even the terrible ones.

I was more in love with the memories than what I was actually doing. I was dedicating so much of my time to trying to re-live the past. I decided the only way to move forward was to move on, to let go completely.

The thing is, my situation isn’t terrible. I like the people I work with and I definitely will miss some aspects, but your feelings never lie to you. I spent so much time disowning how I felt because I didn’t believe I deserved to feel that way.

 

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again – you’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel. If you weren’t meant to feel it, you wouldn’t be feeling it.

 

So yes, I could live on in my comfortable existence. I could just deal with the bad days. I could accept that life isn’t always going to be exactly how I want it to be.

But that sounds terrible to me.

While some things in life will be hard and that’s out of our control, we have to take our power back where we can. If you’ve been miserable for months due to a job, relationship, or even a living situation, sit with that for a minute.

You have control in these situations. It may not seem like it (took me a year to realize) yet the control has always been there. There is always an out, we just have to yet to notice it.

In the moment, my emotions last week felt uncontrollable. I couldn’t stop sobbing and I didn’t understand why everything was hitting me so deeply.

Thing is, without the non-stop breakdowns, I don’t think I would have had the courage to leave my job. If I only had one bad day, I would have gone on like normal.

 

That’s why we can’t judge our emotions in the moment, no matter how ridiculous they may seem.

 

Our emotions are always expressing something to us. Either we’re happy with how life is going or we learn more of what isn’t working. My breakdowns weren’t trying to torment me, but to give me the strength to do something long overdue.

We tend to go against ourselves when we’re feeling negative emotion, but that’s when we need our own support the most. Our bodies and minds work with us unconditionally yet we always make them out to be the bad guy.

 

Our bodies fall ill when we refuse to slow down willingly.

Our minds and emotions provide a compass to where we should go next. When we don’t follow that compass, that’s when the breakdowns come in. That is when we feel like the world is against us. In reality, we’re only going against ourselves and what we truly want.

 

So, I thank the breakdowns. I thank my emotions for leading me to the next phase of my life (even though I have no clue what that is yet.)

Sometimes, we have to take that leap of faith.

 

Regardless of what we’d like to believe, there will never be a right time to make a tough decision.

 

The circumstances will never align in a perfect row and I’m for one glad they don’t. There’s no risk in that. No mystery. No adrenaline.

Leading up to quitting, my anxiety was through the roof. It’s terrifying to feel like you’re letting people down or failing in a sense. However, I knew if it wasn’t then, it might have been another year of mediocre living. We can’t go on living this way.

We need to take the risks when our emotions are telling us to do so, no matter how scary. I’m telling you, our paths always line up how they’re meant to. They have so far, right?

 

Most of us can think of at least one ‘bad’ experience that happened to us that ended up being a blessing in disguise.

 

Plus, a lot of the reasons we stick around in toxic circumstances have less to do with us, but more so with other people.

When I realized I was putting in my two weeks, I was shaking. I could hardly speak the night before due to my nerves. If we’re following all I’ve been saying, if I felt anxious or bad, shouldn’t I not be making that decision? Shouldn’t I only be going in the direction of things that feel good?

In most circumstances, yes. But let’s break down the reasons I was anxious.

 

Leaving my co-workers short-staffed.

Letting my boss down.

Backing out on promises I made.

 

All in all, I was nervous about how others were going to react. When I initially came to conclusion I was leaving, I felt completely free. It was only when I brought others into the occasion that the nerves came up. And now that my two weeks are in, I feel light as a bird.

I’m telling you, our souls are only in these bodies for a limited amount of time. We exist in this human reality to grow and enjoy our experience, not force ourselves through things that are obviously not serving us anymore.

 

Having the courage to let go is immensely more powerful than sticking around to be seen as ‘reliable’, ‘loyal’, or ‘good.’

 

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be seen as good, all-encompassing human beings (which is how we were raised, not our fault) only to set ourselves on fire in the process.

If you’ve been stuck in a situation for far too long, let this be your sign to let go. You came across this article for a reason. There are no coincidences. You were meant to read this.

With only three weeks left of 2017, let this be your time of release. Leave the things that hurt you in 2017. The people, the places, and every single obstacle that left you feeling powerless.

You are not powerless anymore. You’re here with yourself, fully with yourself.

 

And change can be upon us all, but only if we’re willing to open the doors.

 

It could only be a crack or slight light shining through, but any willingness is better than being shut and locked. I’m not asking you to change your entire life overnight, but to be willing to see where you’ve been selling yourself short.

You’re worth more than car breakdowns and brushed-off emotions. You deserve a life of stimulation. A life that has you jumping from your sheets.

It’s time to stop taking that from ourselves. It’s time to finally live.