I’ve been feeling better as of late.

Last week, I found myself in a terrible head space I couldn’t seem to escape. No matter what I did or who I spoke to, nothing helped. I felt stuck in my ways and no action felt inspiring because I couldn’t help but fixate on the fact that problems are never-ending.

I had no desire to improve my life or get out of bed because with one problem coming to an end, I knew another would be on the rise. Not to mention, I felt helpless to my problems. I was feeling hurt by other people, but I didn’t want to cause an issue. So, I tried to keep to myself and move on.

Well, repression never leads to good results. You end up feeling more unseen or heard by not only other people, but yourself. I was trying to brush how I felt under the rug to keep others more comfortable.

I’ve still been doing that up until this moment. I’m trying to silently and effortlessly keep how I feel to myself, but I can’t deny that I still feel hurt.

I tried to tell myself over and over that I have no business feeling this way. I gave myself logical reasons, distractions for days, and tried to drown my issues out by pretending I didn’t care. I want to be the girl who can let go of attachments left and right, but as I already know, I’m not this way. I’ve never been this way. I get caught up and I find myself having to unwind, come back to center, and figure out what we’re going to do next.

It sounds like an easy three-step process, but truth is, you don’t experience the process just once.

 

Sometimes you manage to unwind your mind and lay out everything that hurts in front of you. You witness the painful memories or even the good ones. You take a hard look at everything that’s had you riled up.

Once you’ve spent some time in your pain, you start to focus less on the exterior aspects of your troubles, but turn inward. You look at your part in it all. You see where you fell short or where you weren’t treating yourself with the best care.

As you begin to show love for yourself again, you find yourself asking what the next step is – what you’re ready to dive in to from here. You transcend the things that left you so broken in search for something new.

 

Yet in some instances, you may only manage to lay out the pain in front of you before collapsing to the ground. You’re crawled up in bed not willing to do anything else. You go on a two-day bender of drinking and late nights before you’re ready to call it quits on distraction, lay it all out again, and look at the pain differently.

Other times, you manage to get to a place of self-love and see the beauty in what hurt you, but you still can’t let it go. You’re not ready to move on to the next step. You’d rather stick with what’s familiar a little while longer because losing it altogether still hurts deep down.

 

I’ve found myself in the latter recently.

 

I’m not in the same pain I was a week ago, but I haven’t quite crossed the threshold in to making a change. I’ve found little things each day that get me excited for my future, but I’m still very much processing it all.

Earlier this week, I realized that I haven’t truly been self-focused in about three years. I’ve always been in the pursuit of someone or had my attention on the relationships (or lack thereof)  in my life. I haven’t taken time to jump in to tasks I’ve always wanted to do because I never held my focus there long enough. I’d be inspired for a day before I was back to over-analyzing whether someone viewing my Snapchat meant something. That sounds ridiculous typing it out, but it’s true.

For the first time since I was about 19, I feel like I have a chance to date myself again. A chance to do whatever the hell I want to do because I don’t have anyone to answer to anymore. I don’t have someone to set my sights on or pursue. All I have is a clear slate of time and opportunity that can be filled anyway I’d like. It’s quite freeing when I truly think about it all.

I started watching a new show called You’re The Worst this week, and I’m already half way through the second season. It’s a lovely and honest show about two people trying to build a relationship despite neither of them wanting to commit to the normal ideals of a relationship.

I laid there for hours the other night watching it – all curled up in bed, just showered, no priorities the next day. Everything felt right.

I know, a completely normal twenty-something experience. It’s nothing new. The meaning behind it though was a lot to me. For the first time in forever, I was enjoying my own company. No alcohol on my breath, no men on my mind. I was purely enjoying exactly where I was with who I was.

We hear it all the time, but time is truly key when we’re overcoming anything.

Last week, I wanted to change my circumstances and get things back to how they used to be. Now, I recognize that the past happened, but lingering there will provide no new answers. Letting the past be the past and seeing where time takes me has proven to be the ultimate healer.

 

It’s good to reflect on where we’ve been and to grow from our mistakes, but it’s when we live in those times that we let the past hold us back from things much better suited for us now.

 

As I was driving home last night, I rode by a church sign that read, ‘Don’t give up on love.’

So while my past and present has left me feeling dim, I’m letting those words fuel me.

I’m focusing on myself as this year comes to a close while knowing that there’s a universal timeline I have no clue about.

I have the power to make choices to get where I want to be, but the catch is I may not get the knowledge that comes with those choices until a later time.

I trust myself and the timing of my life – and as of this moment, nothing else has felt so sweet.