Why Nothing Ever Works To Feel Better

I don’t want October to end.

There’s just something about this month that resonates with me on a level I can’t even put into words. The coziness of a warm cup of coffee, burning candles, crisp leaves, spooky movies and television – the list could go on.

I started watching Stranger Things again today and I don’t know why I stopped last year. It’s the perfect amount of eerie yet also comedic and interesting. I see what the hype was about.

Today was a day spent soaking in all the Fall things – well, this weekend as a whole actually. I baked some vegan pumpkin bread (turned out more like a pie) and had that for dinner – fucking delicious.

I’ve felt in alignment for the past three days and I wanted to dive into that a bit. You see, I look back on last Fall and I was a shell of human being. I was unhappy with absolutely every aspect of my life – I won’t get too detailed here, but basically, I felt like the rug was constantly being pulled out from under me.

I would feel good for a day, but spent those days worrying about when my ego would return again. I knew it was inevitable so I never let myself get too excited over a good mental health day. I thought there was something wrong with me seeing as everyone else appeared to have their lives far more put together.

I felt stuck. My relationships weren’t fueling me in the slightest, my blog had turned more into a soap box than a place of inspiration, and overall, I didn’t understand why I could never feel better.

Well, while I wish I could tell myself then what I know now (throwback Taylor Swift, anyone?) I know I’m learning everything I need to in due time. Every experience, no matter how good or bad at the time, is always helping us. Either we’re getting what we desire or by not getting it, we learn more of what we desire.

I spent so much of last year in this place of positive focus which in itself, seems like a great concept. By looking more towards the things going great in your life, you’ll feel better – or so I was led to believe. I knew there was good in the world. I knew I came down here for a reason. So why could I never be happy for more than a day?

 

Because I was never meant to be. None of us are.

 

In life, we put this immense amount of pressure on ourselves to find happiness, go towards the things that light us up, and let the negative shit go. It sounds simple, but anyone who has been in my position, you’ll know when it comes to emotions, there is so much more to it.

You can’t simply flip a switch and turn your happiness on. You can’t force yourself to feel something you internally do not want to feel. That is not how humans were designed.

We were designed to experience a multitude of emotions – the good, bad, and downright terrifying. We all have that side of us we won’t let a single soul in on because we’re too ashamed.

So, how to find happiness in a world where being happy feels like a chore – you know, another thing we need to achieve and then, things will be good for us.

 

Stop trying to be happy.

 

Plain and simple.

We shame ourselves for feeling anything other than good even when the worst shit happens to us. Whether it be death, job loss, a break-up, money issues, or just day-to-day living – we try to move past any negative emotion as fast as possible because we don’t want to feel it.

We may not even move past it; instead, it may be buried so deep within you that you don’t even know it exists. This is why when something triggers us in our daily lives that makes us feel a negative emotion, we can’t pin-point why. You placed the root issue completely out-of-sight, out-of-mind – most likely subconsciously. You didn’t mean to do it, but as humans do, we all just want to feel better. It didn’t feel good to feel so you shut it out.

Since negative emotion doesn’t feel good to feel, more often than not this is what happens. We shut it out. We distract ourselves. We do anything we can to either get outside of ourselves or in my case, focus positively to the point where it feels painful.

Positive focus can be a great thing to build appreciation for your life, however, when you’re using it as an avoidance tactic, that’s where the hell begins. By suppressing the emotions that were meant to move through you, you’re only setting yourself up to experience those same feelings again.

Maybe in a different scenario externally, but internally, the feeling is the same. This is why we tend to repeat the same relationships in our lives over and over again. The Universe is trying to get this lesson through us, but we won’t even let it through the front door.

 

So, what does this all mean?

 

If you’ve found yourself in a downward spiral, much how last Fall was for me, take a look at your emotions. I say emotions before thought because our emotions are where our thoughts get ideas. It’s from these emotions that we get urges to do certain things – usually all in alignment with feeling better. However, while feeling better sounds innocent, this is how addictions are born. We so desperately want to be distant from our emotions that we introduce alcohol, food, cigarettes, and even co-dependent relationships in to the mix. The addiction acts as a numbing device – feel, suppress, cope, feel, suppress, cope. The cycle continues until more often than not, we hit a rock bottom.

This Fall has been such a peaceful time for me because I am no longer pushing against how I feel. When a negative emotion comes up, I validate it. I tell myself that I deserve to feel exactly how I feel and from there, I decide what would make me feel better in that moment. I don’t focus on the next hour, next day, or next week – I focus on the five minutes in front of me. By validating how you feel and letting yourself fully be with that emotion, you will no longer need the addiction. You will no longer need to force yourself to focus positively because there isn’t an emotion you shouldn’t be feeling. Negative and positive emotion all have something to teach us and once we realize this, we will feel a shift internally. A shift that can’t be explained through words.

 

So no matter what you’re experiencing right now, let yourself be with it.

 

If all is well, take that in. Enjoy the feeling of ease around you.

If you’re stressed or overwhelmed, talk to yourself in the mirror (yes, silly, but it works) and figure out where it is stemming from. Once you find the root, find approval for why you feel this way. Realize that anyone in your position would feel exactly as you do, so why hold yourself to a different standard?

 

Every emotion we feel is meant to be felt. Do away with the should – get it out of your vocabulary.

 

There is nothing you should do in his lifetime, only what you feel called to do. You can try to rationalize why I’m wrong and justify your shoulds, but know the only person you are hurting is yourself. Replace should with could and in your body alone, you will feel the difference in that statement.

So, as I sit here on this late Sunday evening, I write to you in a pumpkin face mask, sipping tea, and getting ready to jump into bed. I feel at peace with my life and every curveball that comes my way because through my emotions, I know I will always be led to the right turn. Nothing feels scary or uncertain anymore.

 

I’m sure a year from now I’ll go on about how much better I’m doing then vs. now, but that’s how life goes. We constantly gain new information, grow, and continue to become better versions of ourselves. No phase of our life should be shamed because in truth, every experience that comes up was necessary at the time.

 

I hope this resonated with you. I hope you’re enjoying Fall as much as I am.

And with that, I’ll leave it here. I love you all – I’ll write soon.