It’s honestly wild to me that I’m sitting in the airport again.
When I look back on the solo trips I took last year, the premise behind them felt so different. My anxiety around those trips were through the roof, I had no idea what to expect, and I was living in such solitude already that traveling to the other side of the country left me feeling even more alone.
To others, I talk about how liberated those trips made me feel when in truth, I was a mess for both of them. Portland was miles better than Vegas, but holy shit, the anxiety I felt during those mini adventures was unlike anything I’ve ever felt.
I didn’t understand why at the time. I told myself that others could travel alone and be totally fine, so what was my issue? I was drowning in the world of self-help during those points last year, so why couldn’t I find the same sense of empowerment from traveling that others seemed to feel so naturally?
I truly didn’t think I’d be booking another solo trip after Vegas, but alas, here we are. I booked a random trip to Asheville around two months ago and here I am now, living out an itching feeling that I almost didn’t act on due to fear.
I had a full blown anxiety attack around a month ago about this trip, but I haven’t told anyone that. I’ve been scared that I’m going to feel that same sense of loneliness that came over in the past, but sitting here now, the anxiety is nowhere to be found.
Strangely enough, I’m not even excited about this trip right now. I’ve been hyping myself up for the past few days trying to build up this amazing feeling I’m looking for, but I’m realizing that I don’t need to feel a certain way about anything. I actually feel calm saying that.
This trip is going to be exactly what it needs to be for me. Odd, but I feel a sense of relief going away for a few days. It feels like I’m letting go of a deep breath and the idea of sitting in my AirBnb in a few hours feels like coming home.
I keep telling myself how troubling but wonderful this year has been and while it has, the idea of 2018 ending is something I’m ready for.
I’ve been frustrated lately because Fall is my favorite season yet the spirit hasn’t been alive with me this year. I’ve found myself caught up in such menial problems, spreading myself too thin, and losing my sense of magic if you will. I don’t feel the same spark for life that I used to.
I’m sitting in this airport not caring about what happens next. It’s freeing to not be so caught up in any travel anxiety, but I feel almost numb right now. My foot actually is numb – I’m sitting criss cross on a bench in front of the check in counter. I’m feeling like a quintessential travel blogger right now. Headphones in, laptop open, typing away.
I don’t know how to describe my head space right now as anything other than clouded. I’m not sure what I want out of my life anymore and my hope is that after some time way from it all, I have a clearer picture.
I can’t count the amount of ‘lost’ periods I’ve been through – it all feels limitless at this point, but I’m here, going through the motions, doing the best I can with what I have right now.
I wish I knew more, I wish I had an idea of what felt right, but I don’t.
I’m sitting in an airport, for another solo trip, hoping for the best.
The difference this time though is that I took a lot of the pressure off. If I legitimately chill in a nice AirBnB for a few nights, eat some good food, get rest, I’ll be happy. I just want to be in a new environment for a bit.
I’m sorry I didn’t write for most of October.
As excited as I was for spooky season, I found my energy was depleted by the end of it. As much as I want to put on a strong face and pretend everything is fine, I’m going against literally everything I’ve ever preached on this site.
I feel emotionally drained for a reason. I feel lost for a reason. This sense of losing myself is strong and if I deny that, I’m only putting off the inevitable – these feelings will continue to arise until I deal with them.
I know I felt called to Asheville during this particular time for a reason.
I’m letting the mountains take me and teach me what I came to learn.
I’ll check in throughout the trip, but I figured I owed you all an update.
Here’s to life’s little game of lost and found – to forgetting who we are and going on the search for answers.
What is lost can never be found if we don’t put forth the effort to try.
I’m ready to try.
(Update: I’ve spent one night in Asheville as I upload this post and this has already been the highlight of my year – more to come. I love you guys.)