I have no idea what this post is going to be.

My head is clouded to the point I have no idea where to start – to say I’ve been through it this week would be an understatement. It’s been a rollercoaster of thinking I know exactly what I want to all of those thoughts crumbling to the ground.

I can wholeheartedly say I experienced the worst night of my entire life this week.

I’ve touched on the fact that I’m not who I used to be, but holy shit, I didn’t realize how far gone I was until I found myself sitting in my car for two hours weeping uncontrollably. There’s a difference between growing as a person and completely disregarding the things that actually matter to you.

I sat in my work parking lot debating on if I should reach out to someone to help me calm down or handle it on my own. I thought that maybe if I sat there long enough, someone would come out, notice my car, and it would take the decision out of my hands. Long story short, I didn’t call anyone. I sat there and tried to process everything my body was going through.

I came home and just sat on my floor. There was so much to do and I felt nothing but disgusting. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

Once I finally crawled in to bed, I stayed there for 12 hours. I couldn’t bring myself to get up. I felt numb to the world around me. The post-breakdown feeling of head pain and loneliness followed me intensely. I could barely muster words.

I went about my normal business today and while everything feels back to normal now, that night still doesn’t feel real. I have never cried that uncontrollably. The worst part was I had so many people I could have contacted, but I didn’t want to lay my problems on them. In my eyes, I got myself in to my own mess. I made my decisions and had to own them.

 

It’s scary when the only emotion you feel in your body is pain.

 

I can’t dive specifically in to why my emotions were so overpowering but to put it brief, I hadn’t slept in two days and wasn’t making the best choices.

I found myself ditching plans I made and running myself dry because I felt like I had to. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want to make anyone mad or inconvenience them. I know this might not make much sense, but overall, certain people trigger this feeling in me where I’m scared to say or do the wrong thing so I comply with everything. Even if deep down I don’t feel right about what I’m doing, I’ll say fuck it and do it anyway. It’s this exact attitude that had me drenched in my own tears.

There was a point where I tried to walk to where my friends were, but couldn’t bring myself to go in. I was a mess. All I could think about was being a sloppy girl who can’t take care of herself and killing their vibe.

I had so many places to go or people to confide in, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to ask for help. I’m grateful I made it home that night because everything felt way too much to bear.

I ended up confiding in a friend the next day and even now I’m telling you this story but holy shit, in the moment, I was at the lowest of lows. I’ve left a lot of details out for privacy reasons, but moral of the story is, my life hasn’t felt right in a while now. There’s been no structure in the slightest.

While I like that I can be in the moment more, I also resent the fact that I don’t feel creative anymore. I don’t have this drive to create or set any goals. I’ve found myself more focused on other people’s lives than my own which became even more evident during my breakdown.

I’m throwing money away like it’s nothing. I’m ignoring my writing. I’m sleeping either too much or not enough. I’m putting myself in situations that aren’t the best for me.

 

I want to live in the moment, but not at the expense of my overall well-being.

 

I’m feeling a lot better tonight and trust me, I’m going to confide in others about what’s going on, but I felt I needed to share how scary that night was. It was surreal to for once not feel so alone yet I couldn’t bring myself to open up. I think that’s why I sat at my work for so long. I felt safe because I knew I had people who cared near me even if I wasn’t willing to call them to me. It’s that fact alone that tells me I shouldn’t have felt the need to be on my own that night. I wanted someone there, I just didn’t know how to ask.

Life definitely hasn’t been bad recently. I’ve had a lot of good moments actually.

However, I’d be lying if I said I’ve been my best self lately. There’s been a lot of self-neglect on my end. I tell myself I’m cool with a lot of things I know I don’t agree with deep down.

I try so hard to be this person who can do everything – who’s cool with everything, who doesn’t cause an issue, who can be empathetic to every situation.

I don’t have to do everything. I don’t owe anyone anything.

I only owe myself my best chance.

Our gut knows when a situation isn’t right and it is up to us to listen to that gut feeling.

 

If you find yourself sobbing in your car for hours, something isn’t right.

If you sit there and wonder how you got to that point, something isn’t right.

If you can’t even bring yourself to make a simple phone call for help, something is not right.

 

I have changes to make. I don’t know exactly what yet, but when you hit a rock bottom, you’re blessed with the opportunity to reevaluate your life up until this point. It makes you question everything – where you are, who is in your life, the things you’re willing to put up with. It’s the low points that become our biggest catalyst for change.

I’m sorry for the hiatus. I’m sorry for how distant I’ve been on here lately.

I don’t know what is next for me in life and while I wish I knew, I also know that beauty only lies in the process, never the destination. No matter what goals or dreams we hope for, if we can’t find a silver lining in the process, life will never seem worth living.

 

I want that silver lining. I want to feel better. I want to wake up with a zest to live.

 

Rock bottom is a scary place to be, but I needed to go there. I needed to feel absolutely everything that had been built up inside of me for far too long.

If anything at all, I’ve been given a new perspective.

I need to live for me.

If I need help, ask for it. If I want to say no, say no.

Don’t brush aside what feels right internally.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds let alone the rest of my days, but I’ve made it this far. I’m sure I’ll have more rock bottoms in my future, but it’s what I do with them that matters the most. I’m going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.

We’re never stuck where we are and with that, the pain doesn’t feel so permanent.