It always feels strange writing again after I drop off for a bit.

Not in the sense that the writing process itself feels weird, but that so much can change in a matter of weeks. With every post I write, I know that the moment I hit publish, that post covers a certain part of my journey. After doing this for two years, I know that once a post goes live, I’ll use that post as a time marker.

Because while my posts may be vague at times, I still know exactly what is going on with me internally behind the words. I can look back on my posts from a year ago and know if I was in the process of letting go, learning a new concept, picking up on certain unhealed traumas, etc.

So, when I miss a week or two of writing, it feels like I have to brush over a ton of events at once. At the same time though, sometimes you need more time to process things depending on what you’re going through. I’ve been feeling more of the latter recently.

I’ve touched on codependency before, but holy shit, I’ve been learning about my patterns in a whole new way as of late.

I won’t bore you with my endless list of relationship problems because you’ve heard them all before, but I didn’t expect to actually make a breakthrough so soon. I’ve been talking about healing myself for so long that the idea of actually healing has felt like more of a myth.

I’m not going to air out my dirty laundry but to be frank, I found myself starting to go after someone who is the definition of not good for me. It feels like a repeat of last year but in a different body.

The key word being starting – I didn’t let myself get too far without taking a step back and realizing the pattern. I thought that I had moved past the whole ’emotionally unavailable guy’ meets ‘girl who wants to save them’ story line, but alas, I had not. I watched it unfold without me having to lift a finger.

I was upset for a bit, a while actually. I spent a good deal of this month going over everything in my head. How did I manage to get in to a repeat situation after I had just gotten over what happened last year?

I was pissed at myself. I acted on short-term gratification and refused to see the big picture – I was setting myself up to be put through hell again. I told myself I didn’t care, I could go with the flow, I could be the girl waiting for someone to change.

However, after a lot of reflection and reading of Codependent No More, I’m starting to put the pieces together.

I have very low self-esteem. I’ve told myself for two years that I love myself, but truth is, it is a band-aid I have been placing on a much bigger problem.

I’ve only been able to see my worth in what I can give to other people. I don’t believe that any relationship I have can have any substance unless I am giving to them. Whether it be my time, money, patience, sex, or even saying yes when I want to say no.

I never want to be trouble. I’ll go with what others want to do because in my eyes, if I have a preference and it is different from theirs, I am being problematic.

I make a great employee because I can’t say no. I never call out, I do more than I have to, and I set this standard of who I am that I’m afraid to break. This has led me to being promoted at all of my past jobs yet if you read my 2017 reflection post, you’ll know I completely lost myself in my last job because of it.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I am only attracted to people who can use me. In my eyes, I need someone who I have to save because it makes me valuable to them. If I help them, they see a purpose for me and will keep me around.

My past relationships where people wanted to take care of me went south so quick because I wasn’t being a rescuer. By others trying to care for me, it seemed to me that they see me as someone who needs to be taken care of a.k.a. needs to be saved – which makes me feel inadequate.

It’s also for this reason why I never go after people who have their shit more together than I do, at least to my standards. It lowers my self-esteem because I feel second best.

I’ve turned relationships in to such a toxic wasteland that it’s no wonder I’ve never been happy here. I pick the people who bring out such a needy side of me and push away the people who may actually give a damn.

I’ve been breaking it down more and more by the day and my mind has felt non-stop blown.

I pick people I need to save because if I change their ways, I see myself in a good light. I see myself as this girl who leads a horse to water and they actually drink it – but, not every time. When the horse sometimes drinks, it becomes an addiction. You continue to bring it back over and over, using many different techniques, because you never know what’s going to finally coerce the horse.

Just as with an intermittent relationship – you do whatever you can to get the attention of the person you’re chasing after. Sometimes they reciprocate and other times, you’re completely looked past. You examine what it was that grabbed their attention and try to repeat the same actions to get them interested again.

 

What I and many others don’t realize is it has nothing to do with us.

 

Wearing our hair a certain way or giving out heartfelt compliments to someone isn’t the ingredient to getting the relationship you want. If you have to bend over backwards for someone’s affection, there’s a much bigger issue at large here.

So, when I found myself starting this pattern back up, I could already feel the all too familiar pain. It’s in that moment that I decided to quit what I was doing and see what was really going on. Was I really willing to put myself down the same path when I already know how the story ends? Was I really ready to put my own well-being to the side yet again for someone else’s comfort?

No.

Absolutely not.

 

It’s in that moment that I realized that I’m done saving other people and I have to save myself.

 

I have to look out for my own best interests. I have to let go of the people I believe need saving.

Because in reality, no one wants to be saved or told to change. We’re only willing to change when we welcome it on our own terms. I have to let others find themselves without my help because letting them find their own path is actually the biggest help I could ever give.

By giving other people the ability to care for themselves, I can finally care for myself. All the weight I’ve been carrying can finally be lifted – other people are not my responsibility and I have no control over them. The only thing I have control over is my own actions and reactions.

 

I have to let other people fend for themselves.

 

I have to give myself a chance to truly get to know who I am without intertwining my ability to give.

I can give all I want, but my god am I asking for depletion.

If I don’t even have enough for myself, how can I continue to let others run my life? There’s nothing to give to begin with.

I’ve decided to take a hiatus when it comes to relationships; and no, this doesn’t mean casual sex or looking for relationship loopholes. I’m truthfully just taking a break from connecting to others in that way.

 

I’m no longer letting myself be the girl who is okay with no commitment situations.

 

Truth is, I want a connection with someone like no other. I want someone I’m excited to come home to. I want someone who likes the same things I do. I want someone who is cool with my vegan lifestyle. I want someone supports and loves me and me unto them. I know what I want now and I’ve decided that first, I need to find that relationship within myself.

I need to find approval for the parts of myself I’ve never looked in the eye.

I need to do things for me and not for how others will perceive me.

 

It’s been a long time coming but I finally feel ready to work on my codependency – to truly face it and not let it be this little voice that lingers in my mind.

 

I’m tired of the patterns, the low self-esteem.

I’m worth more than what I’ve given myself credit for these past twenty-one years. I don’t know exactly what’s going to come of these epiphanies, but I’ve never felt more prepared to find out.

It’s going to be messy. It’s not always going to make sense.

But fuck, let it explode.

 

Let everything rise up because it’s only when every little issue is on the surface that I’ll have any idea where I’ve been or where to go next.

 

The path isn’t clear right now but think about it. We never anticipate the best moments of our lives before they happen. They just unfold, appear when we least expect them.

So, I’m seeing where the days take me.

I’m focusing on what makes me happy for once and letting the rest fall away.

Once the debris settles, I for once won’t be scrounging around looking for the remnants of my past. I’ll be panning around, witnessing the mess in front of me, and walking right through.

Like I said before, no more tragic love stories. No more destruction.

Here’s to a new chapter. A new beginning.

And in this story of a girl, the girl saves herself.