Today was monumental.

For the past three years, my mind has been warped by food. It started with diet mentality, restriction, and binging to full-blown orthorexia.

I’ve touched on this briefly already, but even though I’ve been vegan for the past eighteen months, my diet mentality never left. I thought going vegan healed me completely only to realize I only felt safe with my three go-to meals.

Oats for breakfast, rice bowl for lunch, and potatoes + veggies and hummus for dinner. I’d throw in some fruit, dates, peanut butter, and even allowed myself a piece of dark chocolate every night, but my food cabinet was limited. I’ve been buying the same groceries for most of 2017, if not all of it.

Thing is, I haven’t lost any weight. I even took up exercise classes for a period of time and alas, my body has stayed exactly the same. I found the more frustrated I was with my body, food became more and more of an enemy.

My family would offer to make or buy vegan food only for me to brush it off. I closed up at even the thought of eating anything else. I thought I was being ‘healthy’ when in reality, I was completely closing myself off to any enjoyment around food. I saw it as fuel and that was that.

I hated discussing what I ate with others because I knew my food combinations weren’t normal. I knew subconsciously I shouldn’t be eating the same foods every single day, but my mind was terrified of change. I figured if I couldn’t lose weight this way then it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I never stopped to think that what I was doing was healthy or reasonable.

Seeing others eat absolutely anything they want and being stick thin killed me. I felt like I was putting my all in to giving my body everything it needed and it wasn’t reciprocating the love. I say love lightly because as you can see by now, I was far from loving. I was putting myself through hell every single day to hope that one day, with enough effort, the perfect body would come to me.

If any of this sounds like you or you struggle with food/body image, let me blow your mind for a moment.

 

Our metabolisms actually have nothing to do with weight gain or loss. The foods we eat have nothing to do with it. The way we move has nothing to do with it. It’s all about our thoughts.

 

I know you’re instantly going to have resistant to this statement, I did as well, but I urge you to hear me out. This knowledge gave my orthorexic-self the courage to buy a slice of vegan pizza for dinner tonight. I haven’t had pizza in well over a year nor did I even want to entertain the idea.

The thing is, while some foods are scientifically proven to have more health benefits than others, most of our weight/health issues all have to do with our mindset.

Let’s say two people eat the same relatively healthy diet and have for a long time yet one gains weight and the other ranges the same, if not loses it effortlessly. Same goes for vice versa – why could one person eat chocolate cake every week and not gain weight yet someone else gains ten pounds at even the thought of cake?

 

It’s our resistance to our food.

 

Take a look at your own food mindset.

Each one of us has an internal opinion on ‘healthy’ vs. ‘unhealthy’ food. We have the foods we believe will make us thin and the foods that pack on the weight.

So, whenever we eat the foods that are ‘thin’ foods, we feel thin. We’re happy with our decision and we feel good about our bodies since we love what we just put in it. On the opposite end, let’s say we know chocolate cake is bad for us, yet we decide to eat a slice. Instantly, we feel the guilt. We’re pissed at ourselves for making a ‘wrong’ choice.

 

For those of us that use food as comfort, this can be the sole reason for our weight gain. We eat our feelings with foods we believe will make us fat and alas, since the belief feels true to us, it does. 

 

Yet, don’t we all have that friend that’s skinny as hell, eats whatever she wants, and doesn’t gain a pound? It’s down solely to her beliefs. She has no resistance to the food she eats because she doesn’t care if she gains weight or not. She enjoys every bite and since food is a fun and loving experience, she maintains the weight she wants.

It sounds so simple, but please, I beg of you to think about this in your own life. Food has dominated my world since I was eighteen and suddenly the pieces are coming together.

I was lanky as hell all throughout my school years. I ate absolutely anything I wanted and wouldn’t gain a pound. All I cared about was enjoying my food – nutrition labels were foreign to me.

It was only the moment someone else pointed out something ‘wrong’ about my body that I became hyper-aware. That’s when the nitpicking started. That’s when I got on diet after diet, food measurement after food measurement, only to feel fatter than I’d ever been.

 

What we focus on is the key to how our lives unfold.

 

If all we can focus on is guilt while we’re eating cake or pizza, then that guilt will manifest into our physical experience. We will gain the weight because our mind has already decided that’s what is going to happen.

But, the moment we let go of any preconceived notions about food, the moment we decide to put enjoyment before ‘logic’, we are free from our mind. We’re free from the hold it has held on us for far too long.

 

If you want a more in-depth explanation on how thoughts and food are related, watch this. This video may change everything you’ve ever known about your body.

 

So today, I went to Whole Foods. I did my usual produce shopping, but this girl also bought some cereal, chips, ice cream, BREAD, vegan cream cheese + english muffins, vegan muffins, and so much more. It felt like an out-of-body experience putting that stuff into my cart. I still can’t believe I had a slice of pizza for dinner.

I’m not going to sugar coat it though. I still had some foods I was too afraid to buy. I picked them up, read the ingredients, and could feel my body tensing up. It’s okay though. I’m taking baby steps and I know with time, my resistance will soften. I’m learning to be gentle with myself.

If you’re in the midst of a body image war, I hope this changes things for you. I can’t even begin to explain how free I feel. I never thought I would make it to this moment. I never thought I would be excited about food again.

I can whole-heartedly say I am on the other side.

I’m sure bad body image days will occur from time to time, we’re only human, but the thoughts won’t be as rough.

We came down to this time-space reality to take in this human experience and live in our bliss – this includes food. We were never meant to feel so attached to it.

 

Here’s your challenge – starting today, for one week, eat absolutely anything you wish. No resistance. Nothing is off-limits.

 

With every meal, be fully present with the food. Bring a sense of joy to the act of eating. Chew slowly. Enjoy every bite. See what flavors you can differentiate. Turn food into such a loving experience that if any resistance shows up, the love will overpower it.

One week. No boundaries.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes. I love you guys.