Another week down. It’s kind of amazing me how quick time is going.

I think back to where I was when this year began and as of now, it doesn’t feel like I’ve changed all that much, but looking back on photos it’s clear.

I’m the kind of person who documents that crap out of my life. Not always on social media, but my camera roll is filled with little moments in my days or screenshots. Even the random TikToks I come across at 2am. 

It’s funny how those videos really do paint a picture on where I am currently. Whether it’s in my job, love life, and anything huge of the sort. Your ‘For You’ page on there changes based on the things you like so I can clearly see what I related to months or even a year ago. It’s interesting to look back on.

I’ve had a pretty introspective week. 

I worked a bit, got my hair done, and hung out with a friend, but the past two days alone have given me a lot of time to be with myself. I love when I get time alone when I really feel that I need it. It doesn’t always work out that way.

I’ll be going through something yet I have to continue on to work or other priorities and save those emotions for a later date.

 

I haven’t had a bad emotional week by any means, but I’m becoming more aware of patterns in my life.

 

My mind never likes to be stagnant. Being alone nowadays, I’ve found that my mind wants to fixate on to anything to keep me moving. It doesn’t want me to stand still and just appreciate where I am. I find myself wanting to distract myself with people and plans because sometimes being alone gets you too in your head.

I’ve spent the past few years not letting myself be single and alone. Even when I wasn’t dating someone, I would continue to find crushes or people to replace that void. It’s been a weird feeling to actually force myself to be alone rather than do what I always have. 

I think my mind gets scared because it is an unknown. I haven’t been on my own emotionally in quite a long time. I’m not used to just doing things for me anymore. I haven’t been on a solo trip in almost three years. Instead of nights alone watching movies and feeling at ease, I look for social plans or work more shifts to fill that void.

I always look forward to days off, but once they arrive, I never know what to do with myself. I end up spending a full twelve hours on my laptop not knowing where the time went. I get lost in worlds outside my own because I don’t know how to handle my own shit. I live vicariously through others rather than making a conscious effort in my own life.

I’ve done that for years though. I was attached to my computer as a kid and teenager. It was my baby. When I was younger, I’d play Sims for hours on end and create a whole life outside of my own. As I got older, I’d drown myself in YouTube videos and follow other people’s lives who were doing things much cooler than I could imagine.

I’ve had my fair share of moments where I’ve done things for me – like I mentioned earlier, those solo trips I did for two years were some of the wildest memories. It’s been so long since I’ve done one that I almost can’t believe they ever happened. I can’t believe I put myself on a plane and just went to places I wanted to go for the hell of it. It’s something I’m realizing I miss the shit out of.

I’m in a place of life now where I have more free time than I have in a long time and my financial situation is only improving in the next twelve months. I tend to forget how good things are at times when I let life’s other problems take over. I get caught up in the relationships in my life or let my social anxiety/depression get the best of me. It happens though. I can’t expect myself to be on all the time.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot the past two days about where my life is headed now. 

 

Not in an existential way but more so the plans I want to make. The things I want to do – for me.

It took me a while to realize how beautiful it is to let outside opinions go for a bit. Sometimes we get too caught up in what those around us think or behave a certain way to please other people. We forget just how much power we have in our own lives that other people don’t need to be a part of. 

We don’t need to dress a certain way or portray ourselves to be someone we’re not. It’s something we’ve been told our entire lives, but continues to be difficult to inhabit. It’s in our nature to want to be accepted by other people. We want to feel a sense of belonging with those around us.

That feeling of relief when you walk in the door after a day of social interaction shouldn’t hit as hard as it does. I’ve noticed the times it hits me the most is when I felt the most anxious or unheard when I’m out. I come home feeling misunderstood or that I came across wrong when those things aren’t as true as we make them.

 

It’s true that not everyone is going to like us, but it doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with us. 

 

As Mister Rogers would say, he likes us just the way we are. 

We don’t need to be anything more than that. 

I’ve had tattoo ideas I’ve never acted on because I was afraid they weren’t good enough. I was scared they were lame or would be out of date as years went on. 

Funny thing is, I looked back on a design I saved from three years ago and I still like it. It could’ve spent three years on my body and I would’ve still loved it. 

I’ve found I either do something spontaneously in life or I never do it at all.

Any piercing I’ve gotten has been a last minute decision. Any of those solo trips I’ve done have been a spur of the moment choice to book them. It’s when I get in my head over things that I let them get away from me. I start thinking about pros and cons when in reality, I should’ve just done the damn thing.

I’ll get excited about plans but when they’re too in advanced, sometimes I won’t be down to do them when the moment comes. It’s when a friend hits me up last minute that I’m like ‘dope, let’s go’ and it turns out to be a fun night. 

Granted we shouldn’t act on everything in life with impulse, but most of the time when you take your anxious mind out of it, you end up with a really cool story.

 

I’m looking to channel more of that energy this year and I urge you to do the same.

 

As COVID-19 winds down with the rise of vaccines, I’m excited to get out in to the world again. I’m excited to hopefully book another trip this year just for me. It’s been a long time.

I’m just tired of living a life where I rely so much on other people. I’ve spent far too many years losing myself to go with the flow. I spent all of last year bogged down by work schedules and lost sleep. I stopped giving myself moments to breathe. Now, with the free time and an upward financial path, I’m looking to finally tap in to the things I’ve always wanted.

I just want to feel okay with me again. 

I want to be able to say no when I mean no and yes when I’m truly called to something. My decisions are my own and I want to own them again. 

I recognize how vague this all is, but I hope in that aspect, you can see yourself in the midst of my statements. 

 

Sometimes we let our lives get away from us and we don’t realize it until far down the line.

 

We don’t need to order new clothes or fill up all of our time and thoughts with other people. 

We need to be able to sit down with where we are now and look at ourselves. 

We need to be able to see our emotional state for all it is and how we’re truly spending our time. We need to have conversations with ourselves whether it be through a journal or out loud. We’re the person who we’re going to be with for the rest of our lives. That person deserves to feel heard and valued by us, not others.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize how much of your life hasn’t been lived for you lately. I avoided that truth for a while. I’d write it down or nonchalantly acknowledge it, but I didn’t realize how much of a detriment it was putting on me until recently. 

We don’t have the capacity to be everything to everyone when we’re left depleted in the long run.

It’s time to fill up our own cups.

How we do that is different for everyone.

I know for me that means writing, taking in new content (books, film), meditating, focusing on my health, and even traveling. 

All of those personal goals you continue to tell yourself about but never act on are the very things that bring you back to self.

No one can force you to do anything. You can let these things live in your head or you can bring them to life. The choice is yours.

It’s when we realize our life lies in our hands that we forget why we let others take such a hold of it in the first place.

It’s good, great even, to have a support system in your circle. I’m by no means ignoring that.

It’s when you use that support system as a guide for everything. You never make an original choice anymore. You live for the other people around you, never for you. 

That’s where the problem comes in. 

 

Let people support you, not be your beacon of validation.

 

We’re all far much greater than we think we are. 

When you begin to spend time alone again, you start to become re-acquainted with who you are. You find out all of these little things about yourself you either forgot about or never knew existed. They can never be found again if we don’t let ourselves look.

I’m not sure what any of my next steps are, but I’m looking inward to find them.

I know a year of myself is exactly what my 2021 was meant to be.

I wrote about it when the year first began, but it has taken me nearly four months to truly tap in to that energy. I subconsciously wasn’t as ready for it as I thought. Now, I’m in it.

I have the rest of my night ahead and as you’re reading this on Sunday, I’ll be getting ready for a work shift. 

I’m excited to see what the rest of the year holds. I can say for the first time in a long time, I don’t have a clue what to expect. That truth used to be one of my favorite things about life, but I lost belief in it once my life became stagnant. I wasn’t excited about the future because I wasn’t excited about my days. 

Now, the concept has re-birthed itself as a 2021 mantra. 

I’m letting life take me where it may and in that pursuit, I know comes New Year’s Eve, this post will be the first thing to come to mind.