Life has been quite the mixed bag recently.

The amount of ups and downs the past month has had me spiraling a bit. I don’t know how else to process other than through words, so alas, here we are. I didn’t write last week because I was going through a high period and honestly I didn’t feel I had much to share. 

I sat down to write and nothing was clicking so I figured I’d give it a rest for a day and see where next week led me. Usually I’ll sit down to write and plan it out, but today, we’re going full-blown stream of consciousness. That’s what I started writing for though. I have all these thoughts and emotions in my head and I never know where to put them. 

I get in my head a lot about what to keep to myself on here and where to lay things out. 

Writing is such a personal thing that it’s hard to know where the line gets drawn. 

It’s wild how easy it is to write when you feel down. When I’m in a happy mood, I never know what to say. I don’t have anything to lay out. I’m more focused on being in the moment than writing about it. 

When I’m down, I don’t know how to cope without getting the words out of my head.

 

I’ve been coming to a lot of realizations today. 

 

Things I’ve known for a while now, but kept avoiding because I didn’t want to face the truth. 

I know I haven’t been taking care of myself. 

I haven’t been eating or sleeping right. I’ve been taking no alone time for myself. I’ve become super invested in other people and revolving my life around them and completely ignoring everything I did for me.

I used to be such a self-focused girl. I was so excited to be on a self-growth journey the rest of my life. I wanted to heal myself in any way I knew possible. I wanted to work on my self-esteem and find myself at the end of the day. I got super invested in my mental health back in 2016 and since then, I’ve put her to the back burner. I numb away my emotions instead of feeling them. I set myself up for failure a lot of the time now. 

I go for instant gratification over long-term solutions. 

I’m living in the moment, sure, but those moments always add up to long-term repercussions.

Looking back, I truly haven’t taken proper time for myself since Asheville.

That trip was the last time I remember feeling like my true self. I was doing all of the things I loved, alone, in a place I grew to love over that weekend. It completely took me out of everything going on in my life at the time and I was just happy to be alive, experiencing everything around me.

I haven’t had that feeling in such a long time. I keep looking for it in everything I do, but it all comes up short. 

 

I look for it in people mostly. 

 

I was a loner for such a long time that now, when I have people around me, I get completely engulfed in it. I lose so much of myself.

Not so much friendships, but romantic relationships.

I never noticed it really until today.

Like I said, I’ve had these realizations in the back of my mind but I always pushed them away. I didn’t want to face them or what these facts could mean.

Whenever I find myself emotionally invested in someone, I tend to let parts of me go.

Hell, my last relationship I completely stopped writing. It wasn’t because I was asked to or anything. I solely just stopped because I didn’t know what to write about nor did I have a desire to. I couldn’t write about my relationship because that shit is personal, but that was my entire life. I lost all of the other parts of me that made me who I am. I completely morphed my life with this person’s life. I didn’t give myself my own legs to stand on anymore.

In my past flings, I’ve done the same thing. I kept a little more of me because they weren’t committed relationships, but my whole mind would become so obsessed with this new connection in my life. I would get super excited and in the end, super disappointed. 

When things would end, I would feel ten times worse because not only did I lose that connection, I lost myself. I let everything else in my life go because of this other person. 

I know there has to be a trauma wound there or else I wouldn’t keep doing it. It’s something I’m beginning to recognize in myself that I have to work through. I’m not quite sure how yet, but I know recognizing it is at least a step in the right direction.

Relationships aren’t supposed to hurt. I’ve forgotten that too many times.

I get caught up in the drama of it all when in truth, I just want a best friend I can come home to. I want someone who is equally as obsessed with me as I am with them. I want someone who will go on fun dates that let us escape from the world for a bit. 

It’s such a simple thing yet I’ve complicated it for years.

I let my past and childhood traumas intertwine with how I conduct relationships now. 

 

Eventually you reach a point where you’re tired of blaming your past for how you are. 

 

It’s one thing to acknowledge you have to shit to work through, but if you continue to live out the patterns you always have and do the things you’ve always done, how could you expect a different outcome?

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

I’m tired of living in insanity. 

I deserve better than insanity and it took one really bad night to put things in a different perspective. 

I haven’t been treating myself with the respect I deserve. 

I tell myself all the time that I feel confident in who I am when if I truly did, I wouldn’t put up with half the shit I have.

It feels like such an aha-moment right now. 

I told myself when this year began that I would be living for myself. I wouldn’t be letting myself get caught up in little dramas or anything that would disrupt my peace. I threw that out the window a month or two ago. I had no intention to, things just sort of unfolded that way.

Feeling how I feel today, I know a year to myself is absolutely the only thing that will ever improve my life.

I always set out on these big plans and tell myself I’m going to do things differently only to fall back in to the same old routines. I can’t do it anymore. 

I want to live a life that has me excited to get out of bed – for me. Not for anyone else.

I want to have little routines again that keep me grounded. I want to find productive ways to let off steam that doesn’t result in me just numbing myself down. 

 

To work through anything, you have to actually feel it. 

 

You can’t escape from yourself forever. The universe will continue to give you the same assignments in life through different scenarios until you finally come to a breakthrough. 

It’s why I always end up in the same relationship patterns. 

I never give myself proper time to heal nor do I give myself any sort of love. I just coast through my days and hope for the best. I don’t want to live in a world where I let things happen to me anymore. I want to live in a world where I can co-create the reality I’m choosing to live out. 

Waiting around for the world and others to heal you never hits. It’s merely a distraction from dealing with what you actually need to work on.

This has been a very rant-focused post, but I need to let it out. 

It feels like a personal pep talk and I hope any of it is resonating with you.

I just feel tired, man. 

 

We all came down to this world for expansion and to grow in the lives we build. Yes, shit is going to hit the fan as it does. It has to for us to even recognize when things are good. There has to be a ying and yang to life in order for anything to mean anything.

 

So, that’s where I’m going from here.

I’m not sure what shifted within me today, but I feel ready to go along with the change.

It feels like a new beginning in a sense. I’m not sure where I’m headed nor any idea what to do with all of these thoughts, but I’m willing to work through them. That has to stand for something.

Sometimes you just get tired of being tired.

We always hit breakthroughs when we least expect them, so while I’m not sure how I got to this point, I’m ready to run with this new energy.

Things will pass and life moves on, but we don’t have to let it pass us without having a say in the matter.

We all deserve good things in this life.

No breadcrumbs.

It’s once you hit that realization that you can’t ever look back.