I’m in one of those moods where I feel okay yet something is off.

Nothing is inherently wrong right now. I’m off of work, I spent yesterday catching up on my errands, and overall, everything feels put together. That’s the thing though – sometimes even when everything externally is fine, your inner world can still be a mystery.

I’ve come to a few realizations in the past week; I say this all the time, but I swear, my life feels like a constant page turner. I’m always uncovering things about myself I had no idea existed.

The main thing I’ve realized is I am very much a closed off individual, but I don’t know how to behave differently.

I’ve talked about this for the past two years incessantly but to reiterate, I have a hard time feeling close to others. I expect something to go wrong and play out scenarios or I won’t even open myself to the idea of trusting them. I judge myself before they can, which if you read last week, I touched on how toxic this mentality is.

You drop the other shoe so people won’t drop it unexpectedly. As much as I work on moving past this, I still struggle with it.

When there are people who I don’t think twice about, I’m a-okay. I behave authentically and all is well. It’s when you throw people who trip me up in to the equation that my self-concept falls apart.

This happened a lot last year and I’m only just now coming to terms with it. I knew I had a problem with seeking validation, but thing is, I never once thought that those thoughts were wrong. I desperately wanted approval from my job and the boy I liked yet when the cards didn’t fall accordingly, I always blamed myself. I thought I didn’t have enough control over the situation and that’s why their behavior didn’t match what I wanted. I wasn’t doing enough or maybe, I wasn’t enough for them at all.

Once I left both of those situations, I began to come back to myself. I began to understand the root of why I let outside circumstances affect me so deeply.

Since starting my new job and being in a new phase of life, my commitment to being authentic has been my only priority.

The goal is to speak my truth, embrace every emotion that arises, and understand that other people will only ever be a mirror for me.

I was doing fine with this initially. It felt good to be out in the world again, making money and being around other people. Thing is though, that ‘new’ phase is starting to wear off.

I’m at a point now where I’m actually getting to know the people around me. I’m starting to get in to a routine. It feels like I’m on the cusp of things starting to really change in my life.

I didn’t realize it until now, but I’m terrified.

I’ve caught myself looking for validation from a handful of people already and it has been nothing but a trigger for last year. I know the circumstances are different, but wow, the Universe has a way of really making you go through your issues. I had a breakdown last week because of it.

I’ve found myself at the very beginning stages of a scenario that I’ve played out many times before. I can’t divulge too much here, but the jist of it is, this scenario was one of the more traumatizing.

I’ve hurt people because of it and ultimately lose a lot of myself in the process.

It makes me angry that I’m being given a situation that I’ve played out before, but at the same time, I’ve handled this situation poorly every time in the past. So, maybe this is my chance to make things right – to not act on impulse and be more considerate. To not only others, but myself.

I’ve also found myself censoring my words or getting tripped up around other people. I paint on this smile to be polite and every single time, I feel like I’m only making people more uncomfortable.

 

Do you see this?

Do you see how no matter how much therapy or self-talk you put yourself through, you can still be faced with the same issue?

 

I’ve made understanding and loving myself a priority for the past two years now and I’m still facing my past patterns. Healing is never a process that happens over night, it takes time.

This sounds discouraging at first, but like I’ve said before, healing happens in layers. I have to trust that this discomfort is only another layer I’m uncovering. As much as it feels like I’m at the very beginning of an issue all over again, I’m never where I once was.

My struggles with connection are something I recognize, but I can’t expect to be healed simply because of that recognition. I think all I can do is be honest about that with others and see where they stand afterwards.

I put a lot on pressure on myself to heal.

I want to be the best version of myself, but I tell myself that person will only exist when I’m in a healthy relationship, have a solid friend group, and manage to come to terms with my past traumas.

 

By setting these limits, I shame who I am right now. I forget constantly that we didn’t come down here to improve ourselves, but to paint our canvas.

 

We’re given blank slates daily and fill them up with layers of self-improvement. We do things more so because we think it will make us better people, not because we truly want to.

I tell myself that I need to just settle with a nice guy and force myself through it. I feel no attraction what-so-ever nor does the relationship excite me, but because they’re a ‘good’ one, I should just do it anyway. It’ll help the healing process, I say.

However, healing isn’t about making the right or wrong choices. It’s about making the choices that light us up. We forget that what is wrong for one person might be right for someone else.

For some dealing with commitment issues, dating a ‘good’ one may be healing. It may take being in that relationship to understand what a true connection feels like. Yet for someone else, it may feel like settling and causes nothing but frustration.

I can’t force myself to feel things I don’t nor can I suppress what rises from me. I feel the way I feel for a reason. If the feeling is good, go with it. If it is not, there is something to recognize and heal within me that lined me up with that situation in the first place.

 

I’m sorry if these posts aren’t always the most transparent. I want to write but when I’m dealing with something fresh off the wound or it feels too personal, I feel reluctant to put it all out there.

While these posts are therapeutic, the thought of all of my business being public is something I’m not totally comfortable with. I need to keep some things for me.

That being said, I will continue to do the best I can here. I’m still trying to find the balance between ‘okay to share’ and ‘crossing the line.’

Sharing my issues with relationships is easily one of my biggest insecurities.

At this point, I feel that I’ve shared the same victim story for so long that I may be perpetuating the circumstances that unfold in front of me. We attract what we are and think about, so part of me believes that the more I tell myself I’m broken or can’t connect with others, the more I reiterate that as part of my truth.

I don’t want to play victim anymore.

 

While yes, I want to hear myself out and be there on the rough days, I don’t want to be in the habit of blaming my circumstances on my ‘issues.’

 

Even referring to them as issues feels a little jarring. The only reason they’re issues is because I’ve made up my mind that these qualities I possess are wrong. They’re not wrong. They’re a reaction to everything I’ve experienced up until this point.

If I continue to blame myself for my relationships being terrible, I’m sure they will continue to be. I hardly give myself a fair shot. I’m serious, someone will ask for my number but in the name of ‘being honest’, I’ll tell them no and that it’s for the best. I immediately write myself off as a person someone would want to be with because in my mind, I come with baggage. I feel like too much.

I kill things before they can even start now because I’m afraid that I’ll hurt other people. That’s all I’ve done thus far and if those people felt any fraction of the pain I felt last year, I don’t want to wish that upon anyone. I see myself as a major liability.

 

When you’re first introduced to the self-help field, they don’t tell you how much it really fucks with your head. It seems all good and fun in the beginning, but once you recognize a lot of your toxic patterns, it starts to become the only thing you see about yourself.

 

I never saw myself as someone who can’t be loved until I really dove in to this work. Now, that’s all I see. It’s kept me at a distance from absolutely everyone in my life.

And in the name of still feeling connected to others, I play in to the validation game. I do things to get approval from others in surface-level ways, but never to the core. It’s this new pattern that has kept me simultaneously in the loop in society yet completely alone on the inside.

 

I don’t give myself a chance.

It’s been years and I’ve stayed in this shell.

I see myself as this broken mirror that no matter how much I try to put together, it will never look the same.

 

It’s really hard to say that, but it honestly feels good to be vulnerable right now.

 

I’m kind of hitting an aha-moment writing this – I really never give myself a chance at relationships.

 

I write myself off completely before others can, more so now than ever. I’ve told myself up until this point that I’m being honest to be authentic with them, but thing is, I’m actually doing it to keep myself at a distance. I don’t want to explore things with anyone because I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up.

 

I’ll start seeing someone, get bored, and have to break it off.

I’ll see someone, become infatuated, and be left in this spiral of seeking approval.

 

I only let myself see these two extremes. The idea of being with someone out of enjoyment feels completely out of reach.

 

I tell myself I’m still far too broken to have a healthy relationship. I’m not healed enough. I’m not ready.

I think the truth of the matter is, I may never feel ready.

I can repeat how much I love myself over and over, but until I truly take in the experience of another, I may never move past this.

I’m not going to settle. I’m not going to pick someone to work this out with.

 

I need to see where the tide takes me.

 

If I find myself in awe of someone,  I need to go with it despite how scary that may seem. I ruin things due to what might happen without ever letting the cards unfold on their own. It’s time to stop touching the deck.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but this isn’t the first time. I’ve asked myself this very same question every time I am faced with adversity and every time, I’m shown how a little willingness can cause a ripple effect.

 

I have no clue where to go from here, but I’m willing to find out.

 

I’m willing to stop seeing myself as a lost cause, but someone with so much love to give. I save up all of this love for the ‘right’ person when there’s no way to tell who is right or wrong for me. It’s only when I open myself at all that I’ll ever come close to understanding who may be right for me.

Even when a mirror breaks, you can still see into it.

My hope is that despite the cracks that hit me over the years, others can still see into me.

I am not beyond repair, no matter how much my subconscious would like me to believe.

A silver lining exists. It may be a faint, small, squint-to-see-it kind of silver lining, but it is there.

I won’t be a lost cause waiting to be found, but a lost cause who realized she never needed to find anything. It all started here, with me, and that’s where it will end.

And with that, I may no longer need to squint.

The silver lining was never far to begin with.