Life can be full of surprises.

We find ourselves trying to go with the flow while simultaneously expecting the unexpected – which, if you’re been there, you know how confusing it can be. You want to be this spontaneous little flower growing how you may but nonetheless, you always expect to bloom.

Expectations live in our mind without us even realizing it. We hardly come across them until something doesn’t pan out how we pictured. It’s only when that wave of disappointment hits that we realize we had a preference at all.

It’s the human struggle. We crave these exciting lives, but the very idea of something catching you off guard can shake us back to comfort instantly. We want excitement, but only from our own envisionment. We never dive in to a situation with knowledge it is going to hurt us. If we knew, we would steer clear and make different decisions.

However, if we lived lives where we knew the journey front and back, there would be no point in existing. It’s necessary to kick a few rocks off our path as we travel down the road. Without those rocks, nothing would surprise us anymore. We’d lose our sense of imagination and the idea that anything is possible.

 

I’ve had a weird week. I’m actually writing this super last-minute and I didn’t even know if I was going to write this week, but my mind feels clouded. I don’t have work for a few hours, so alas, here we are.

Like I said before, I can only get so personal on here because there is a line I want to keep between public and private. But despite that, I’m still down to share a few thought processes that have followed me all week.

I’ve found myself being more social again which has been odd to say the least. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own bubble for so long that entering people’s worlds who live lives totally different from mine has been interesting.

I’m doing my best to commit to who I am, but I’ve noticed that I still shut myself down around others. I find myself in countless scenarios where I listen to others, who go on about deep shit, and I don’t mumble a word about myself. When I do, I quickly revert the conversation back to them. I can’t keep the focus on me for too long or I feel like I’m being annoying.

I’ve discovered that one of my biggest triggers is this idea that I’m lame. It sounds so elementary but it’s true. Being only twenty-one and my biggest pleasures come from grocery shopping, my spiritual lessons, writing, and being a homebody with movies and true crime. I love my little life, but when I talk about it with others, all I can think is how boring it sounds.

It throws me off when I meet people with groups of friends and carry this nonchalant feeling about life. It all looks easy for others, but it leaves me feeling like an outcast – a feeling I’ve carried since childhood.

I’ve never felt that I totally belonged anywhere. Whenever I think I’ve found my place, it always feels like it is ripped from under me or I was being too naive.

I have this idea of what my life should look like to others and even though I like where I am, hearing the judgment in others’ voices feeds right in to my feelings of inadequacy.

People will tell you they don’t care what others think.

While some may not care about what the majority think, we all have people in our lives where their opinion matters to us. Life has never been a place where we come to descend from caring altogether. We never reach a place where we have completely dropped our need for approval. It may be from one person or it may be from a crowd, but nonetheless, we crave this feeling of validation.

In my own life, I’m only beginning to come to terms with this.

I may have been on this consistent journey of self-discovery but in reality, I’ve still been doing a lot of self-shaming. The fact that someone can call me lame and it affects me shows me that I still have a lot of work around my self-concept. I may say I love myself, but truth is, I’m only willing to love myself.

 

I’m in a state where I want to love who I am, but I still don’t.

 

I’ve talked about fragmentation in the past, but let me reiterate.

Fragmentation is the idea that we have multiple sides of our being. We have many different parts of us that make up who we are, but we only choose to identify with some of them.

For example, if you were shamed for being angry as a kid and praised for when you kept it together, you saw being angry as bad. So, as you grew up, you only identified with the part of you that was ‘cool as a cucumber’ per say. The side that was relaxed, didn’t care too much about anything, and could go with the flow.

However, if any feelings of anger did arise in you, you suppressed and shamed them. You saw them as bad because that’s the belief that was instilled in you from a young age. Now, you don’t show that side to anyone, not even yourself.

The part of you that wants to be angry never feels seen or heard by you, but thing is, it is still a part of you.

An excuse we use a lot of the time when a disowned part shows up is ‘I don’t feel like myself right now.’

 

Thing is, we are always ourselves. We may just not be the part that we approve of in every moment.

 

So, I can say I love myself yet still feel massive pangs of insecurity around others – both are true.

It’s hearing out the part of me that is triggered by other people that will get both sides on the same page.

I know as a whole I want to feel self-love, but I can’t shame the part that doesn’t see the worth in me yet. That part has examples upon examples of past trauma to show me when I’m feeling the least bit lovable. It’s trying to protect me from getting too cocky and getting hurt because I’ve put that part through the same painful scenario time and time again.

It’s a strange feeling when you start to put the pieces together.

 

All the little things that shaped you start to come up and even with awareness of those traumas, the faulty beliefs still remain.

I know why I attract certain partners in my life yet trying to go against the grain feels terrible. I tell myself to give nice guys a chance when all my heart wants is someone in trouble that I need to help. It’s the same broken record I’ve been playing for years and I’m tired of the screeches that come along with it.

I’m tired of thinking the only thing I’m capable of is a tragic love story. I’m tired of thinking that relationships need to be difficult for me because I didn’t feel bonded with enough as a kid. I don’t want my life to be a continuum of a trauma that was only a trauma because I didn’t understand my parents’ way of loving me. They did their best, I know this wholeheartedly now, but my beliefs feel so fixated on where they are.

 

In my mind, I don’t want to let go of my old beliefs because then I’d be losing a sense of who I am.

 

Those beliefs were the only thing that made sense to me and kept me emotionally safe for years. Letting them go and believing that love doesn’t have to hard feels like I’m discounting where I’ve been.

It’s something I know has to happen though.

No more tragic love stories.

I know I can’t expect a transformation overnight, but this is my promise to myself that I won’t let myself repeat this pattern anymore.

I don’t exist to be a savior to others or a net to catch them. I don’t exist to feel hurt as I lift others up. I exist because I am here to take up space. I am here to make myself known, make my own stories known.

 

I’m not here to only be a lending ear, but someone who understands the worth in her own words.

 

For my entire life, I’ve been the quiet one.

The one who doesn’t step on any toes, the one who goes along with the crowd. I’ve made stupid decisions solely because I felt saying no would be a burden. I keep myself small to the point that others will take from me without realizing I’m an actual human being; a human with emotions, with opinions.

I keep myself small because I’ve never felt I’ve earned the right to be loud.

And not that I ever needed it, but I’m affirming this now – Kim, you have permission to speak. To take up space. To share all of the things you’ve ever needed to say.

There’s this part within that says nothing is valuable about me. It tells me to keep quiet and let others run the show. It says ‘you’re a follower, not a leader’ and yet, I found myself creating a blog two years ago to let out all of the things I never thought I could say.

I wrote those posts and shared my stories and to my surprise, people cared.

My words meant something.

It was then that I realized I needed to share my stories because too many people have felt like me. So unheard, so trampled over. We tell ourselves we’re meant to be this way but god, no.

 

We all have a story to tell.

 

I don’t exist to caretake and neither do you.

We exist for our own expansion and this can only occur when we’re brave enough to vocalize our inner worlds.

I am not the accumulation of what others want me to be, but a soul who desperately needs to let go of this idea.

I can never be everything to everyone nor did anyone ever ask this of me.

I’ve spent two decades wrestling with who I am and the concept of who I should be.

It’s time to forget the should.

It’s time to share my stories not only on here, but in every ounce of my being.

I do not exist to be small. I do not exist to shuffle along with my surroundings.

I was meant for so much more and for the first time, I may actually believe it.