A walking contradiction – a sentiment I can’t seem to let go of.

I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling misunderstood, alone, and completely isolated from the world around me. I still do.

In a matter of minutes, my mind flips from believing I’m never enough to buying in to the idea that I’m nothing but a liability. I’m too much to the point that no one could ever handle what goes on inside my head.

I’m not where I once was when it comes to self-love, but my god, if I’m still using bargaining chips as a way to keep people in my life experience, there’s work to be done.

My head is in a constant mode of self-reflection, so I’m aware of a lot of my struggles. The relationships, the body image, the depression and social anxiety. We’ve been through it all on here, folks.

 

Yet I find it funny how someone else catching one of your flaws can completely rise it to the surface of your consciousness.

 

I’ve known for about a year now how I typically navigate my relationships – romantic and platonic. I tend to throw people in to different groups in my mind. There are those who I already sense approval from and those who I crave it from, but I can tell I haven’t fully sold them on me yet. It’s in those latter cases that I put forth all of my energy.

I tell myself that I can convince them to love me. I can buy them what they need. I can offer support. I can be their biggest listener despite never receiving the same level of intimacy from them. I tell myself that the more I do, the more I give, the higher my chance is of hooking this person. I’ll become invaluable to them and in that moment, I got the love I wanted all along.

There’s a catch though.

If I manage to actually hook these people and they care about me now, I’ll immediately place them in the first group – those I sense approval from. I begin to stop nurturing those relationships in pursuit of the next big chase.

 

In my mind, if someone is cool with who I am without any added benefits, they’re not the right person for me. I need the chase and adrenaline that comes with it.

 

Lucky for me, most people I pursue with the giving train never fully get on. It’s always up in the air how they feel about me and while that kills me internally, the part of me that needs the challenge thrives off of it. It’s sickening.

I’ve found that over the past month, I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m actually writing this at one in the morning after an entire day of sulking. I don’t think I spoke to one person today.

My romantic encounters have fucking destroyed me for the past two years. I was going to call them relationships, but they don’t even deserve that title. It’s been an inch by inch battle to get to where I am today and not even twenty-four hours ago, I found myself feeling completely invalidated in my emotions all over again.

 

You think you know a person. You think either you can grow with them or how they treat you is different from how they treat everyone else. You think you’re different and this delicate flower that no one would ever blow up on. But no, you are not immune, my friend.

 

For the past few months, I’ve been working on my communication skills. I’ve spent years bottling up when others have upset me so as of late, if I feel hurt by someone, I try to bring it up. I want to feel seen. I want to give myself a chance to stand up for my emotions because my god, they matter. Every emotion we feel is valid, understandable, and an honest reflection of what is going on with us internally. We never overreact as humans because we are only ever responding to triggers.

This is why we react so harshly to situations that may seem minuscule to others – we’re rehashing an old trauma in a new situation. Not to mention, our different life experiences in general can shape the way our reactions play out.

So, I won’t get too specific, but I was pretty upset with someone last night. I ended up sharing those emotions with them and was met with probably one of the worst reactions I’ve received in a long time. Again, no one likes to feel attacked or be told they’re wrong. I get that. But when you sit there and try to share your emotions while still trying to empathetic and you’re given a ‘fuck you’ and a guilt trip, I don’t think anything can feel more disheartening.

 

I think the worst part is I know this Universe is a mirror.

 

It’s not other people that are the problem in my experience, the fault is my own. I wouldn’t line up with people who don’t care about me if I truly cared about myself. The fact I’ve been willing to sacrifice my own self-worth for well over a month and be left with nothing speaks volumes.

I gave when it was never asked of me. I sold myself short when it was never asked of me. I blamed everyone but myself because I didn’t want to face the fact that I’m still stuck in a toxic relationship dynamic. I said it was all fun and games. I acted as if everything was okay when it wasn’t.

That’s the thing too. I have this heightened fear of being seen as crazy or over-the-top. I never want to show I care too much for last night’s very reason – your own vulnerability can be thrown back in your face. I don’t want to be seen as someone asking for too much, let alone being too much. It’s why I’ve been a quiet person since childhood. I never want to step on any toes.

I’m sorry my writing was few and far between this month, but as we can see, my mind has been warped. My self-concept has felt shot and I’m slowly trying to pick up the pieces.

My logical mind keeps trying to tell me that being vulnerable about my anger was wrong. I didn’t get an expected reaction and from there, I’ve felt like I made a mistake. Thing is though, I was being authentic. I shared exactly how I was feeling and I needed to let it out. I needed my chance to stand up for my own well-being. Expected reaction or not, it was a reaction. It only shows me that I have more work on self-esteem ahead of me.

 

Because in truth, chasing someone may give you a high, but the lows are the ones that stick around long-term.

 

I’ve spent more than two years completely focused on pursuing men I’ve cared about. And it is on that note that the giving train is stopping indefinitely.

I’m tired of looking for scraps of affection and reading in to situations. I don’t want a relationship or anything remotely close. I want to feel okay alone for a while.

For the first time, being alone doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. I’ve been the perpetually single friend for as long as I can remember, but I never really embraced it. I always felt like the odd one out or as if something was wrong with me.

I’m beginning to realize how much of a blessing being single really is. I haven’t taken advantage of my own company for the sake of me in years. I’ve been trying to enjoy it, but in the back of my head, I’ve always been holding out for someone to come around and love me. Now, all I want is to focus on where I am. The things I want to do, the goals I want to set.

 

May was the month of getting over my tragic love stories.

It was the month of realizing exactly how low my bar was for how people treated me.

It became a catalyst for taking a step back and evaluating my actual needs in a relationship. As I discover those needs, the goal is to meet them as well as I can on my own.

 

I’m not shutting people out or turning down relationships, but I’m letting go of the idea that my needs don’t matter.

I’ve opened myself up to people who had no intention of meeting those needs which led me to discrediting what I need altogether. So, if I can figure out my needs and go towards the direction of validating them, I know I won’t allow myself to accept the scraps anymore. I’ll open myself up to someone who has every intention of taking care of me.

It feels a little odd to be so on my own after two years, but I’ve also never felt so liberated. I know my patterns. I know what my triggers are. I know what I’ve settled for. And now, I don’t have to do it anymore. I can be okay on my own while still being open to the idea of new relationships. It’s no longer a situation of pining, but expecting the unexpected. I’m ready for someone incredible when the time is right, but until then, I’m going to be okay.

 

My worth has never been inherent in other people and I can’t believe it has taken me twenty-one years to realize that. It only has me wondering what other epiphanies are on the horizon.

 

I’m looking to June as a month of refreshing.

It’s my birthday month and I took the day off for myself. There’s a new spin studio opening close to where I live that I’m stoked about. It’s wedding season at my job so my tips have been through the roof recently. I just feel ready to nurture myself and focus on the relationships that are actually benefitting me.

No more bullshit. No more remnants of my past. It’s time to let go.

I know my new story is starting and I feel like a girl who didn’t read the cover sleeve before picking up her novel.

I don’t know what’s coming. All I know is change is upon me and with the not-knowing always comes a wave of excitement.

So, get excited baby girl.

You’re doing the damn thing.