The writing process is such a riveting one.

In the grand scheme of things, these posts seem like a few paragraphs of venting and sharing my thoughts, but the energy to actually get to this point is always a challenge.

When I first started writing my thoughts out, I didn’t really expect much of myself. I just wrote and that was that; Now, I find I put off the process despite how much I enjoy it once I’m here.

While I don’t spend as much of my time alone in this room anymore, I know I could truly make the time to write if I wanted to. I’m not too busy nor is anything holding me back but myself.

But alas, we’re finally here so let’s just dive in to it.

The past month has honestly been a whirlwind of emotions – emotions I didn’t expect.

I touched on this in my past two posts, but yet again, I’ve found myself caught up in my relationships.

I started this last month with completely shutting myself down to the idea of a relationship to finally being ready to open up to feeling let down yet again.

It’s no one’s fault really. Sometimes you try relationships out and they just aren’t meant to be, whether it be timing or you’re both looking for different things.

Yet what I’m starting to realize more and more is that if you truly want to be with someone, you don’t wait for the perfect circumstances. You don’t hold off for a better time or dance around the idea. If you want someone to be your person, you’ll make them your person.

That sounds harsh, but think about it.

 

Life is never completely figured out. There will never be a moment where we say to ourselves, “I’ve reached my peak and now I’m ready for all those things I put off.’

 

Truth is, we may reach better times in our lives, but having it all figured out is a sham. If the timing is off in a relationship or we wait until we’re doing better to jump in to things, we’re really just wasting time not spent with someone we actually want to be with.

I get it, you want to feel your best going in to a relationship, but the thing about having a partner is they’re there with you through your ups and downs. Our emotions will always be temporary just as life always is. We can think we have our lives all figured out, finally start that relationship, and then shit hits the fan. Do you give up on the relationship then because suddenly your ducks are no longer in a row? I would hope not. I would hope that from there, your person would be there to help lift you back up and be your support.

About a month ago, even a week ago, I told myself that I was okay with waiting. I was okay with seeing where the tides took us and letting things unfold how they will. However, I see now that I was completely denying what I actually wanted.

For over two years, I’ve put myself in relationships where I was always left wondering. Is this going anywhere? Am I putting in too much effort? Not enough? How do they actually feel about me? Is being casual the first step before the real thing or am I only fooling myself?

 

I no longer wish to wonder. I want to feel secure.

 

I want to know that the person I care for actually wants the same things I do rather than hoping they’ll change their mind along the way. I’ve made the mistake for years thinking that by at least hooking up with the person I like, at least I have them when in reality I’m hardly getting a part of them.

I put my own needs on hold trying to cater to theirs which only leaves me depleted.

If someone tells you they don’t want anything serious and you find yourself internally hoping to change that, end it now. Save yourself months of push-and-pull that the other person won’t even notice they’re doing to you.

This isn’t so much the case with my last encounter, but the men before him for sure.

My biggest upset right now is that for the first time, truly for the first time, I was ready to pursue something and not run the other way. I didn’t want games anymore. I didn’t want that anxious feeling I got around past men who made me feel inadequate. I wanted to open up to someone who I felt actually saw who I was a person. But again, you can’t go in to a relationship wanting to change someone’s mindset. You can’t go in already trying to convince someone why you’re worth their time. In the end, the right person will want to be with you because it’s you – nothing else.

I remember a few months ago, I had a guy invite me over and legitimately ask me to make a case for why I was worth spending his time on. It’s as if I was pitching myself as an item and either I was approved or denied for production. I said that to him and to my surprise, he agreed. Not because it was ridiculous, but because he felt he should know what I would bring to the table. The fact I didn’t leave right then and there shows me how far lost my boundaries were.

I talked about boundaries last year but with not much socialization going on, I had nowhere to practice healthy boundaries. This year was a time of putting what I’ve learned in to practice and wow, not easy the first time around.

The same sales-pitch guy also had me run errands all the time, give him rides, and be a support to him when he ironically gave nothing to me. All he left me with was a bit of dependency on substances which I can happily say is starting to dissipate.

When this new guy came around last month, I didn’t even think twice about my boundaries. I trusted him and once I began opening up more, I didn’t really see anything going haywire. Well, I came to a realization earlier this week.

Both of us have had a bit of a hard time getting on the same page – he’s invested, I’m not – I’m invested, he’s not. It’s been a lot of back and forth with a few arguments in between. But again, this is one of the first people I’ve really vibed and tried a relationship with. It wasn’t a noncommittal douche or a nice guy I thought I had to pursue.

Well, we reached a point where we didn’t feel ready to date, but still wanted to low-key be about each other (and see other people.)

I thought I could handle it, but once I actually saw him around other girls, I knew I couldn’t play out this ‘no commitment’ narrative anymore.

 

I either want someone who is ready to be with me or I’d rather be alone. No more grey areas.

 

I get that a lot of relationship build-up is around the uncertainty of it all, but if someone truly wants you, I don’t see a point in seeing other people. I don’t see a point in leaving that door open.

I see now that in this scenario, I was only setting myself up to be hurt again and with someone I consider a good friend. I don’t want to screw that up so instead of waiting to see how things could unfold, I’d rather get my friend back and move on to someone who shares the same head space.

It’s still a hard pill to swallow though. The past few years have been constant investment in my relationships despite how much internal work I was doing. A lot of my spiritual work was used to understand my trauma to in turn, be a better human in my relationships and the world. So even when I was taking time for myself, to better myself, it was all very much interconnected to the people in my life.

And sadly enough, as I was coming to all of these conclusions, my cat passed away. I had her for fifteen years a.k.a. she was the one constant thing I’ve had in my life. She’s the last piece I really had of my childhood. She was the one who was there for me through every year of school, my move, my heartbreaks, my troubled teenage years – all of it.

Coming home last night, feeling a bit alone because of my relationship dilemma, and not having her be here was one of the roughest things I’ve experienced. Going to bed last night without her hurt. Waking up without her hurt more. I didn’t notice it until now but I haven’t slept alone since I was seven years old. Sandy had always been there. While my relationships have been rocky and I haven’t had a human to fall asleep with at times, my girl was always there. I can’t bring myself to get another cat yet even though I just said I would because damn, the love that cat had for me is irreplaceable.

As I’ve touched on before though, I believe when we die that it is because we gained all we could out of our current physical experience. Sandy wasn’t expanding with me anymore. She helped me grow up and gave me the support I needed all of these years. I see now how alone I would have been without her in my childhood. I hope whatever her next life entails, she has someone to support her. My baby earned it.

She only passed yesterday so the wound is still very fresh, but I’m trying to see the positive in it. Maybe with her gone now and without that support, I’ll let someone actually be what Sandy was to me rather than pulling away. Maybe when someone comes around that truly wants to be with me, I’ll be less fearful in taking that next step.

I’m feeling a little lonely right now given everything I’ve told you so far, but I know life comes in phases. I am where I am now for a reason. I know I’m not alone, I have people all around who care for me, but this phase feels different. I’m feeling introspective.

I’ve spent most of this year integrating myself back in to the outside world which I needed after last year, but I have lost a bit of the lust I used to have for my own self-betterment.

I miss working out, expanding my universal knowledge, and all around feeling that mind-body-soul connection.

The substance abuse I dabbled in this year opened my mind tremendously yet also brought up a lot of old depression tendencies I hadn’t seen since high school. It brought me back to who I was before all of the trauma work I did on myself and had me feeling bitter towards the world. The girl who whole-heartedly believed in the law of attraction and mirroring was still there, but outside influences kept tearing down those beliefs. I began to doubt my epiphanies and experiences altogether.

I could listen to the same spiritual lectures, but the information no longer latched on in the same way it used to.

While I felt alone last year, I also had immense faith in the Universe. I want to tap back in to that now that I have people to share it with and my loneliness isn’t the constant focus of my spiritual lessons.

My whole self-help journey has consisted of targeting my loneliness and intimacy issues, so I’m interested to see what I get myself in to now that I let those take a bit of the back burner.

I’m letting today be the starting point for this next phase of my life. My boundaries are set. I’m on my own, completely, for the first time. My cat is no longer my comfort blanket and I’m moving past casual relationships.

It’s going to be a ride and I’m glad I can document it all. This site has already seen some wild changes over the past year and a half, so who knows where we’ll be another year from now.

 

It’s the not knowing and itch for more that keeps me going honestly.

There’s always something new to learn, to watch, to listen to.

Someone new to meet, to expand with.

 

If life is but a mirror, I see the Universe sending me a curveball that’ll shake me to my core. I’m asking for change and with change always comes a lot of resistance.

It’s peeling back the resistance rather than chucking it back that leads to expansion in this life.

Everything that happens in this life is for us, even the most painful of moments.

As said on Bojack, ‘There’s always more story.’

But with that comes a final truth – things will never cease to be okay again.

We’re always going to be okay.