Who knows how consistent this blog will become again, but wow, I feel called to write.

It’s wild how long it’s been since I’ve really felt this passion. I jumped so heavily in to it years ago and while I always knew it’d be back here for me, I was starting to lose hope that I’d ever feel excited about it again.

I don’t even know what I have to say but thing is, I don’t care anymore. I used to sit here and stir over writing topics for days, weeks. I’d be lost as hell. I never wanted to cross any lines and my posts from 2017/2018 started turning so spiritual that once I started being around people, I became embarrassed.

It’s one thing to write out how to feel and let it sit there for strangers. It’s another when people you know are going to read it. I’ve been sharing these on my Instagram so I know a few people make their way over here. I’m tired of hiding though. I’m my own person and I have a voice.

I have experiences. I have things beneath the surface that I know can help other people. I spent so much of my life feeling lonely to eventually realize that we’re all just trying our best at life.

It’s weird to think about that concept when there’s so much destruction around us, especially this year. It’s hard to look at the president or those who add to the division in this country. I used to look at everything through such a spiritual lens. I’d fog out all the bad going on and try to find the good root of every person or situation.

 

I still try to find the good, but no longer in a way that invalidates the human experience.

 

I used to feel so disconnected to the world around me, especially the last four years.

I saw everything as a ‘spiritual assignment’ and thought everything going on in my life was only for soul expansion in a physical body.

While I still believe our souls came down here to grow, I now see how wrong I was before.

 

The whole point of existing in this physical reality is to experience it, not escape from it.

 

I tried escaping for years because I thought it’d make me happier, more enlightened so to speak.

That was never the point.

We’re given our very struggles because it was the lesson we wanted to learn before we even entered this world.

If I’m being honest, I haven’t really deep dove in to spiritual work in two years. I stepped back a lot as I’ve stated before. I became tired of it and wanted to see what my life would be like without it.

It’s weird though. A lot of these concepts still stick in my head as a value. I still believe in them all, but I forget them a lot of the time. Sitting down and writing reminds me of my beliefs, but in my day-to-day life, I’m very much engulfed in the world around me.

I’m distracted with my jobs, home life, finances, relationships, etc. I don’t let myself really sit and think about what’s going on in my life anymore. I just act.

While I’m glad I don’t analyze my every move anymore, I wish I could embody the things I believe more.

I turn to my people pleaser side more than anything. That side is probably the reason I’ve survived so long in customer service jobs. I will say though, COVID-19 has been an eye-opener for me in the way I let myself be treated.

I truly used to let people walk all over me.

I understand I’m an employee and I’m there to do a job, but shit, this virus has brought out some of the nastiest sides of people. Like I said, we’re all ~doing our best~ but it’s finally starting to stick that it doesn’t mean I need to put up with other people’s bad moods. If I feel disrespected, I’m allowed to act accordingly.

I’m not sure where my people pleasing side even started.

Everything stems from childhood and I was a timid girl. I never wanted to ruffle feathers or be seen as different. I always just wanted to belong which led to a long, long period of feeling misunderstood. I’d always conform to those around me because I truly never let myself have an opinion on anything. That sounds awful, but it’s true. I spent a lot of my young years just going along with what made sense to those around me and ended with lots of tears alone.

 

I liked who I was at my core, I just never trusted that other people would.

 

2020 may be a shit year in general, but I truly have never felt more confident in who I am as a person.

I’m much more willing to talk about things that interest me or be honest about the things I don’t know. We’re all our own people in this life and it truly started to hit me this year.

Honestly, being in a relationship for so long helped me as well. I used to think I was destined for emotionally unavailable men because of my commitment issues. I never wanted to be with men who wanted me. I only wanted those who didn’t because in my head, if someone wanted me, there was something wrong with them. This all stemmed from my own insecurities. I didn’t like who I was nor trusted she was a worthy person, so those who saw my worth only confused me.

After being with someone who really saw every side of me and still stuck around, it helped heal those aspects. Even though our relationship ended, I will always be grateful he gave me that. I know we ‘should’ be able to find self-love on our own, but shit, sometimes you just need that validation to help you along.

The past two years only proved to me that I’m never as awful as I made myself up to be in my head. I’d go for men who had commitment issues of their own because then I’d never have to reveal myself fully. It kept me safe internally even though externally I was hurting.

I can’t believe I started doing this when I was 19. I’ll be 25 next year and while on paper, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing, I know that isn’t true. I’ve truly grown in to myself in my 20’s so far.

As I’ve said, the last two years I took a writing hiatus. Posts went up, but I wasn’t fully present for them.

When I turned 24, I definitely hit a breaking point. I look at those I graduated with and I’m in awe of how far they’ve come. In my head, I never finished school which automatically made me a failure. But shit, as this year comes to close, I’m so proud of myself for where I’m at.

I have two jobs, I have a car that’s paid off next year, will most likely be moving out next year, my credit score is doing great, etc. All my adult ducks are in a row and yet, without a degree, I feel like I’m made to be less than. I fell in to that trap for the past few years.

I kept comparing myself to those around who felt so much further ahead.

It’s bullshit.

It’s cliche as hell, but we’re all on our own journey. I was never meant to go to college straight after high school. I hated school. I was miserable. I didn’t have money for college nor did I truly know what I wanted to do.

I will say though, psychology is the only thing that’s stuck with me this long. I wanted to major in it back when I was sixteen and now at twenty-four, I’m still enamored by it all. I want to know everything I possibly can about the human experience. I want to help those who are lost in it.

 

There’s so much more to life than the set-up we’re told.

 

We’re not all meant to go to school, get an office job, find a partner, buy a house, have kids, etc. If all of those things excite you, by all means do them. It’s truly up to every single one of us to discover the things we want out of the human experience. We’re only here for so long. We forget that.

It doesn’t have to be on a life plan basis either. What you want today could be totally different than what you want next year. That doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong about your life. It means you’re following your intuition and going with the flow.

It’s hard for a lot of us to accept that. I have trouble accepting that.

I like having a plan, but shit, the amount of times I’ve tried planning something out only for it to go haywire has destroyed me.

I thought I’d be in Pittsburgh for my college experience. I thought I’d be in a different job field by now. I thought I’d be in a happy, committed relationship by now. I thought I’d definitely be in my own place right now.

There’s so much I’ve shamed myself for over the years and I’m tired of it.

Someone else’s plan isn’t yours. The ideal life plan isn’t ideal at all.

 

You came down to this physical reality to experience it, not control it.

 

I’m so confused about what my blog posts are going to hold in the years to come.

Like I said, it’s wild I started this when I was only 19. It’s been almost five years of laying my shit out to the world, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I know if I feel called to do something in this life, I’m meant to do it.

So with that, I leave you this.

 

Listen to your gut.

 

At any time, listen to it.

She never steers you wrong no matter what part of your life it is.

We try to logic our way out of things a lot of the time, but thing is, even if things end poorly in our head, our spirit wanted things to happen how they did. It leads to growth.

And growth is the only reason we’re here.

Take the good and the bad and run with it.

Life isn’t perfect and it’s never going to be.

The up’s and down’s have to co-exist together for our lives to mean anything at all.

I promise you, everything in your life so far went exactly how it was meant to. It will continue to do so.

Act in the way your soul tells you to. It may hurt like shit at times, but it’s the exact reason you’re here. The life you’re in is the one you were meant to live, so live it. Take chances. Be embarrassed. Let things consume. Let things go.

Go with whatever feels right to you in any given moment.

Your soul will never steer you wrong, no matter what your mind tells you.

You know what you’re doing.

Trust me.

<3