The past week has been nothing but mind-blowing to me.

Last I wrote, I was leaving for Asheville – I was lost, confused, and looking for answers. I’ve been living in the same routines for the past month or two and nothing felt exciting to me anymore.

I’ve spent most of Fall feeling down on my luck and if I’m being honest, far from self-loving. I spent a lot of time shaming myself for how events in my life unfolded and more so for feeling no sense of direction anymore. I’ll be the first one to preach that everything happens in its right time yet I kept waiting for signs that weren’t coming. I craved nuggets of wisdom that would lead me towards where I needed to be yet my focus was on the lack-there-of.

I knew I wanted change in my life, but taking a first step in any direction felt paralyzing. I’m terrible at making decisions when the possibilities feel endless.

This goes for jobs, relationships, really anything.

If I’m applying for jobs, I’ve been known to weigh out every possible outcome rather than jumping the gun. If it weren’t for my dwindling bank account, I probably would have been unemployed a lot longer this year.

I had to force myself to make the decision to go on a job interview. I had no expectation of my current job going in and now, I can’t imagine what my life would be like had I not taken the opportunity.

One of the main reasons I struggle to commit in relationships is because I always feel like there’s something more for me out there. The idea of committing to one person who might not check off every bell and whistle feels suffocating because it feels like closing myself off to other possibilities. I honestly envy those who can jump in to relationships with others and see what happens – instead, my over-analyzing mind looks to every up and down before anything actually unfolds.

The reason I feel so lost a lot of the time probably directly has to do with my lack of decision-making. I stick with what I know to remain comfortable yet it usually leaves me feeling stagnant. I fall in to these ‘lost’ periods of my life solely because I drag out parts of my life that are far beyond their expiration date.

As I arrived in Asheville, I already felt this sense of comfort. I couldn’t explain it. I felt relieved to be out of my everyday life for a few days and after only one Lyft ride, I knew I was in the right place.

I checked in to my AirBnB and it was everything I could have asked for.

I wandered the streets for two days – I talked to people, I spent time in movie theaters, stores, and coffee shops, I took photos galore, and as my final night approached, I had this underlying feeling that I found a home. I truly believe Asheville is where I’ll be living in the coming years.

Portland and Vegas were trips, but Asheville felt like visiting a place I had already known. I’ve only been home for two days and I’m already thinking of driving back up there when my work schedule aligns. I truly did not want to leave and spent my first day back home in tears over how much I missed it.

It was a mix of feeling that I didn’t get enough time there whilst also realizing that the life I’ve been living the past few months was a total 180 of how I spent my time in Asheville. It was the first time I really saw how disconnected I had been from who I was at my core.

 

I had been living day-to-day but thing is, I wasn’t using it to my advantage. I accepted a long time ago that the present moment is where life exists and yet, I had lost the zest for existence I used to find in that truth. I didn’t care anymore. I looked at my days as these cut n’ dry predictable events when, no matter how many times we forget it, we never know what can happen in a day.

 

I kept repeating the same relationship drama to myself. I kept telling myself how fed up I was with not feeling creative anymore. I was waking up, going to work, going out afterwards, and repeating it all like it was nothing. I kept living out the same days because I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I was waiting for life to happen to me rather than making any sort of change on my own.

Looking back, I don’t blame myself though.

I was doing what I thought was best at the time.

I thought spending time with other people and escaping any actual commitments in my life was what I needed. I didn’t want to be tied down to anything – I wanted to live.

However, there’s only so many days you can numb yourself with alcohol before it starts to catch up with you. Before my trip, I hadn’t been happy sober in a long time. I’ve spent months looking to substances to make myself feel better rather than getting to the root of any of my issues.

I told myself that Asheville would be a trip where we let those habits go and see what happens.

 

For the first time in months, the girl who enjoyed nights alone with candles, books, and solitude emerged. It’s as if she was buried in a chamber and I finally let her out to breathe.

 

I didn’t realize how depleted she had become. In my mind, I was still practicing self-care here and there, I just had a newfound social life intertwined.

I see now that even though this social aspect has been healing as hell for me, I’ve lost myself in it. I stopped caring about anything that had to do with my enjoyment alone. I’ve been abandoning my writing practice, my books, putting off those online classes I signed up for, shelving exercise, and most of all, denying this to myself.

Asheville left me being honest with myself for the first time in months – I can have other people in my life, but I need to have me too. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

 

As I sit here now, I feel a new sense of self.

 

I’m not a victim to my circumstances nor are my circumstances really as bad as I’ve made them out to be.

For the first time in forever, I feel good sitting here alone. I’m excited to be writing out my thoughts and not revolving it around some issue I’ve discussed a million times before.

Instead of looking for excuses as to why I can’t seem to get myself together, I’m seeing that if I spend even a night or two alone again like I used to, the answers flow out seamlessly. We don’t need to be out in the world every moment of the day to experience life; it’s okay to take time for yourself and not apologize for it.

I’ve been preaching for months that I need to fully embrace being alone, but continued to throw that speech out the window if someone came along that caught my interest.

Asheville taught me to enjoy my own company again. It’s wild to me that only three days in a new environment ended up shifting my focus on so many areas of my life. I feel okay being alone again. Diving back in to my self-care practices doesn’t feel as daunting. Being my unapologetic self feels nothing but freeing.

My little adventure gave me so much in such numbered days and I still haven’t processed it all.

I feel like myself again and from there, God only knows what’s next to come.

I love you all .

Take care of yourselves.