It’s crazy how much can change in a day.

This past weekend, I was a complete hermit due to the current cold front on the East Coast. It’s been impossible to want to leave my house with temperatures ranging from 18 to -10. I know, I know, we’re no Utah or Idaho, but the conditions this year have felt brutal.

I’m normally someone who prefers the cold to scorching hot temperatures, but this year, I’ve never felt more related to those who deal with the winter blues. It’s a new feeling.

I used to be one of the few who would experience seasonal depression in the summer. Insane to most, I know, but that’s how I’ve felt for most of my life. It’s weird to be looking forward to spring for once.

Well, this past weekend, I managed to cancel four workout classes I had scheduled, ignore all of my alarms despite waking up every two hours, and wallow in to a serious state of self-pity. It was the worst on Sunday.

I couldn’t pin point exactly what was wrong yet from the moment I woke until about 9pm, I was on and off waterworks.

I was chalking it up to mother nature’s current visit, but after a few days of feeling completely disconnected from the world, I knew it had to be more.

Since being unemployed, I’ve been struggling to figure out what to do with my time. I’ve been filling it with workout classes, writing research, and shit-ton of movies and tv. When I was planning out my 2018 goals, I initially thought I wanted to focus solely on finding writing jobs. I felt done with customer service and being restrained to a schedule. I wanted to be in control again.

However, I’m learning that being with yourself all of the time can turn from liberating to lonely real quick. It’s roughly been a month since I left my job and my interactions have stemmed from family members, those in my workout classes, and cashiers. The largest bond has been with my cat.

If you read my last post, you’ll remember I was shitting on myself completely when it came to relationships. If we’re being honest, part of me didn’t even want that post to go up yesterday.

I liked most of it, but reading it back, I hated how hard I was on myself. I believe the moment I started blaming myself for all of my problems was the moment my downward spiral started a few days ago. Yes, I have flaws, as we all do, but I was far from compassionate about it.

Not to mention, I watched a Teal Swan video last week that totally blew my mind on top of my north node realizations.

Teal uploaded an excerpt from a synchronization workshop she held in Los Angeles last month. An audience member came up and asked his question – “How can I get what I want? I know all of the spiritual truths and I know exactly what I want, but I can’t seem to line up with it.”

 

His goal was to move out.

 

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that has been one of my biggest goals as well. It has been for over a year so I was intrigued to hear what Teal had to say.

To sum it up as small as possible, the reason we don’t line up with the things we want is due to fragmentation. We have different aspects of us inside our bodies who all want different things. We tend to see our bodies as being this one human with one set of goals when in reality, we all have multiple aspects of us who all fulfill a different purpose.

This man wanted to find a top-paying job to support his goal of moving out.

However, the aspect of him that needed connection wasn’t going to let it happen.

Teal talked the man through exactly what was going on his mind.

The man didn’t have many people in his life outside of his immediate family. He had been having constant disagreements with his family and was tired of relying on them for everything. He wanted his independence so he set out on this goal of finding a successful career to start a life of his own.

 

Sounds reasonable, right?

 

Well, not to the aspect of you that wants connection.

All that side hears is that you’re striving to have a life of solitude. Even though this man disagrees with his family most of the time, the aspect that wants connection still thrives off of being in proximity to other people.

So, he hasn’t been able to line up with jobs because part of him is afraid to be alone.

The man proceeded to explain to Teal that if he moves out, he could find new friends and people he truly connected with.

I was nodding profusely at this point because while I like having my family all around me, I crave living alone in my twenties and meeting people my own age.

Teal asked the man how he was planning to make friends.

He said through work to which Teal laughed.

Teal Swan has a knack for offending some people during her talks because her level of consciousness is so different from the average human. I won’t go on a whole auto-biography about her but to put it short, she was born with extra-sensory abilities and knowledge of how this universe works. Some discount her abilities or ideas altogether, but in my own life, I’ve found her work to be the most powerful and influential.

Continuing on, Teal asked the man where else he could look for friends besides work. He didn’t have an answer. Neither did I. For the past three years, all of my friends have been made through my job.

 

When the man couldn’t come up with an answer, that’s when it all started to make sense.

 

The aspect of him that needed connection didn’t trust him to make bonds with new people. Jobs come and go, the people who come with them can too. By living with family, he has people that have to accept him because he’s family. He soon realized that he didn’t understand why people would stick around him if they didn’t have to. All of these unearthing core beliefs started to come to the surface.

Thing is, while this video opened up eyes, the talk left me with a pit in my stomach. I was just like this man. I tried to think of ways to make friends outside of my workplace and I couldn’t think of any. I soon had a clear picture of what life would be like on my own: lonely.

 

Everything I thought I wanted for myself this year started to crumble. I felt stuck.

 

I couldn’t find any remote jobs because in reality, I didn’t want to be doing everything from my bedroom. I wouldn’t have a destination. I could work in my sweats and no makeup and no one would know. While this sounds great in theory, think about how much solitude this would really be for one person – especially someone who is already lacking in the friend department.

Side note: I’m not a complete loner, guys. I do have many acquaintances in my life and people I could potentially reach out to, however, I’m talking about having a core group of friends you can turn to. I haven’t had that in a long time and when I did, there was a lot of toxic behavior involved. The connection I’m looking for (and have trouble with) is being able to be completely open to others and them doing the same with me.

So, on top of the freezing cold, berating myself for being selfish, and blaming my lack of apartment or relationships on myself, I can see why I felt so terrible. With fragmentation, many of us go against ourselves daily and don’t even realize it. However, I had been in such a state of following my joy and listening to my emotions that when I found evidence that rattled me, I questioned my behavior altogether.

 

What was I doing?

 

No college degree, no job, no plans, and running a self-help site as I sat here in my own self-pity. I felt like a fraud and that my idea about following my passions had been all wrong.

I ended up watching the Golden Globes last night and that was the first time I had truly smiled or laughed in days. Thanks, Oprah.

I woke up today and actually attended a barre class despite the cold. I then completely stocked up on groceries because my dinners were starting to consist of peanut butter and jelly’s and vegan cheese quesadillas. It was getting sad.

When I walked in to barre today, the receptionist remembered my name (it was only my fifth class) and the instructor was chatty with me for the first time. It felt really good to be out of the house. I had spent the past week in shame over my issues and those girls instantly made me feel seen.

When depression or shame hits, we have to sit with it. We have to let it out because if not now, it will come out at some point. However, when feeling your emotions switches from therapeutic to full-blown victim mode, we have to do something about it. Re-joining society was my only option as much as I never wanted to leave my bed.

 

Immersing myself in the self-help spiritual community has been the best and worst decision of my life.

 

I know myself and my emotions so intimately now but thing is, when the bad spells hit, they hit intensely.  I would compare it to my dark depression spells when I was a teenager, but there lies a difference.

As a teen and even child, I deeply believed I was a victim to this world. I believed I was powerless to change my circumstances. Whatever happened was going to happen no matter how hard I tried to avoid it.

Now, I know I can’t control everything. The Universe is ultimately in charge of what comes my way but the Universe only sends me things that I subconsciously ask for. It’s simply following my thoughts. If you all want to see an in-depth post on the law of attraction, let me know because I can’t possibly explain it all here.

 

The basis is thoughts become things and like attracts like.

 

The things we line up with in our lives are perfect matches to what we think and believe about not only the world, but ourselves. I see now how I lined up with so much adversity growing up. I didn’t see my power and willingly jumped on my downward spirals.

In my moments of weakness now, I know whatever is occurring is there to support me. I just don’t know the reasoning behind it yet.

With my lonely past few days, I now realize I need to work in a job where I see people face-to-face. I wouldn’t have realized this if I hadn’t secluded myself all weekend.

As I’m writing this, it is 5pm on a Monday evening. I know I said I would only be posting on Sundays, but if I’m in a writing mood, I’m not going to hold it back for a later date. I’ll be posting this upcoming weekend as well, so think of this as a bonus post.

 

I don’t know where life is going to take me, but I know with every bad moment, a good one is always on the horizon. I just have to get out of bed to see it.

 

It’s good to recognize your downfalls, but don’t bury yourself with them. The person you are today does not have to exist tomorrow. No matter how long we’ve committed to a belief or path, we have the power to change our course if need be.

I started the year off thinking I wanted independent success and that’ll bring me joy but only a week later, I find myself thinking differently.

I don’t know what I want. All I know is what feels good.

And from there, you never know what could be right around the corner.