I wasn’t expecting to write this week, but much to my surprise, I have a Saturday night to myself.

It’s been slow at work as of late, so I only managed to get in four hours and one table, but hey – sometimes getting time back is worth more than any money I would have made. I had time to wash my hair, make some dinner, chill, and now we’re here. I was a little sad I wasn’t going to have a post up because I’ve been in a good mood lately so I’m glad I’m writing to you now.

When I wrote to you last, I was feeling a lot more transparent. I was ready to lay everything out on the table and share it with the world. I’m still feeling good about that. My level of authenticity lately has been through the roof.

It’s finally starting to sink in that I’m never going to make everyone happy so I might as well do what I want to do. I’m grasping the idea that I don’t owe anyone anything and I don’t have to be at anyone’s beck and call. I can live for me whilst enjoying other people for who they are rather than trying to earn their affection.

It’s crazy to me how long I’ve gone being a sheep to those around me.

I hardly used to have a personality because I wasn’t comfortable in who I was. I had to morph myself in to what I thought would garner other’s approval.

 

Enough of the clichés, let’s get in to the meat of this past week.

 

I’ve come to a few realizations.

First and foremost, I was hit with a massive epiphany this morning; I’m single and no longer heartbroken over anyone. For the first time in over two years, I don’t feel hurt by anyone or even remotely upset. I feel empowered as hell.

I’m still friends with the last guy I had feelings for, but I have no desire to date him which is a dynamic I’m not used to. Last year, the guy ghosted me and the men before that weren’t able to remain my friends after we broke it off. It was too weird. Maybe a lack of experience, maybe because they were only meant to be in my life for that period of time. Nonetheless, being friends after any level of hurt is a fresh concept to me.

It’s just wild that I felt that I was stuck in the same mistake as before and I managed to let go of that ‘relationship’ after only a couple of months. The feelings just aren’t there anymore. I’m more interested in building my friendships and the relationship I have with myself.

When I opened myself up to that new guy from work, I was still very much hurting over everything I went through last year. I hadn’t fully processed what I went through emotionally hence why I was repeating the same situation with a different person.

I didn’t see my worth quite yet, so I needed someone who would have me question that worth. I needed someone to come in that wasn’t totally right for me yet I was attracted to. Now, I see past the attraction and realize I was only attracted to the idea of him, not who he actually is. I was attracted to the mystery of it all and the unattainability.

In the grand scheme of things, I see now that we’re not compatible. I care for him as a person and see him as a friend, but he’s not the person I want to do life with, y’know?

I’ve realized how tired I am of noncommittal arrangements and shrinking myself down to hold other’s attraction. I’ve found that a lot of guys I have been attracted to actually aren’t similar to me at all. I end up having nothing in common with them and yet somehow I believe things are going to work out anyway. I’ve blamed awkward silences and lack of interesting conversation on my social anxiety/insecurity issues when in truth, sometimes you just don’t vibe with people.

My attraction to those who don’t really get me or share my interests definitely relates back to childhood, but it also ties in with my own insecurities about who I am as a person. This year is the first time I’ve ever actually begun to like who I am. I used to preach self-love all the time, but I never actually believed it. I would write ‘I love you’ in my journals over and over, but it never felt genuine.

I’ve come in to my element this year, especially over the past month. I believe this is why my attraction for this guy has fallen away. I liked him when I didn’t feel that comfortable with who I was and he didn’t reciprocate much. Now that I’m starting to like who I am and we’re both single and on good terms, I see now that we were never meant to be together. He came in to my life to expand my mind and teach me a much-needed lesson on self-worth. I don’t believe I would have the level of confidence I do now if it weren’t for him.

I’m stoked to be in this stage of my life. I have a new sense of confidence and a fresh slate when it comes to relationships. I’m no longer pining or wishing for anyone. I’m not waiting up at night for texts or leaving my makeup on for 12+ hours hoping I’ll see them.

There’s so much more room in my head now that I’m not clouded with intrusive relationship thoughts all day.

I have a night to myself tonight and in the past, I used to get very lonely because of this. I told myself I was fine with being independent and on my own when all I felt was forgotten about. I spent almost all of my nights alone for three years; it only really took a toll on me in 2017.

This year, I’ve found friends. I found my people. I even made friends with guys which I didn’t know was possible for me.

Growing up, I never felt a had a solid platonic bond with any male. I’m completely okay with my dad and brother, but we were never that close on an emotional level. So, as I’ve gotten older, it has proven difficult for me to be only friends with guys. My personality has always leaned towards flirty when it comes to guys because it’s the only way I’ve known how to behave around them.

I started off this way with the guys I met this year and after a few months, I’ve realized I actually feel completely comfortable around them. I don’t have to put on a seductive aura for their approval, I can make stupid jokes or have deep talks with them without all the hassle. It’s crazy to have people I can confide in after such a long spell of feeling alone.

Not many of them read these posts, but if somehow any of you stumble upon this, thank you. I don’t think any of them realize how much I truly needed a support system and I’m nothing but grateful for it now.

 

I just feel really free lately.

 

I’ve even found that I’m starting to revert back to being okay with sobriety. I don’t feel this need to always be under the influence of something or numbed out from the world – I want to be a part of my life again. I’m ready to dive in to what I truly want and execute. I want the apartment. I want a second income. I want to support myself and I have full confidence that everything is working out in due time.

For now, I’ll leave it at that.

God it feels good to be honest on here again. I was holding back for months when it only killed any inspiration I had inside of me.

It doesn’t matter what my writing is, all that matters is that I show up to do it. I never know how anyone is going to react to these posts, but I think that’s the beauty of it. My words can resonate completely different depending on the reader. I like the uncertainty.

I don’t know what I’m off to do now, maybe sleep, but I’m really glad I managed to get a post in. I don’t like skipping weeks. I hope to be more consistent as my creative juices start to get back in the swing of things.

I love you all. I’ll see you on the flip side.