Since my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking when it comes to writing.

I look at everything I’ve done over the past two years and I’m almost in awe of it. I can’t believe there used to be a time where I didn’t share my experiences so openly. I used to be this closed off book and never let a soul in. Even in my daily life, I still struggle to let people in, but when it comes to here, I feel safe.

I’ve been doubting myself recently. When I hear other writers talk about their work, or, more often than that, see their work, I feel inadequate. I wonder if talking about my experiences and sharing them is really worthy of calling myself a writer. It more so feels like a stream of consciousness that I let a certain audience in on.

I wonder if going over the same relationship or childhood issues is really worthy of anyone’s time – does anyone actually get anything out of this or is it purely my own ego that reaps the benefit?

Like I’ve said before, I love to write my feelings out. I’ve filled about four journals in the past year which is nothing short of mind-blowing to me. It’s interesting to look back on how I used to feel about a particular issue and where I stand with it today.

For example, last year was a complete nightmare when it came to my relationships. I was lonely as hell.

I didn’t have many friends. I felt like I wasn’t enough for this guy who was stringing me along.

 

I put so much of my self-worth in to how other people saw me. The fact that most nights were spent alone and wishing for connection made the idea of any relationship feel like a pipe dream.

 

Now, I don’t think about that guy at all anymore. I finally let go of him earlier this year which still has me feeling grateful. I wish I could explain how many of my thoughts were focused on what I could do to fix that ‘relationship.’

I thought if I could say the right thing or really intrigue him next time we spoke, I could finally reel him in and he wouldn’t disappear on me again. It was such toxic thinking because it didn’t matter what I did, he was never going to commit to anything. He had his own set of issues and I kept putting the blame on myself.

I had attached myself to this idea that if I was the best version of ‘myself’ (which wasn’t me at all) that he would have no choice but to keep me around. He would see the worth inherent in my presence in his life.

I went through a cycle of trying to be what he wanted and realizing how terrible that was. I would try to let go and he would come back almost immediately. It’s funny how this happens all the time – the moment you start to let go of something or someone is when you’ll be challenged to go back. It was this challenge that kept me hooked for far longer than I ever expected.

So, being able to live my life now without him feels like a miracle. I can hear a song from last year or see his car around and it doesn’t trigger me in the same way. It only feels like a distant memory now and funny enough, not a resentful one. I actually look back on this ‘relationship’ and see it as the catalyst for starting to understand my self-worth issues with romance.

 

I didn’t realize how awful I’ve felt about myself with men until this year when I started up a new ‘relationship.’

 

The quotations really only add to the fact that I don’t have committed relationships with these people – I can’t even call them relationships.

Earlier this year, I met someone at my new job that I instantly felt attracted to. I soon realized that he had a girlfriend and I needed to keep those feelings to myself.

Looking back now, I think the reason I was attracted to him was because he was unattainable at the time. There was no pressure to actually get involved with him because he was already in a relationship. Plus I’ve noticed that I’m more attracted to men who show me less interest or keep things vague than someone who outright tells me how great and beautiful I am. I long for the chase more than the actual relationship.

Moving on, after about a month, he broke up with said girlfriend. I acted on impulse almost immediately and from there, I’ve been on a very similar rocky road to last year.

He ended up being on-and-off with this girlfriend for a few months as I sat by feeling like a second choice. Last year, I casually slept with someone who also was seeing other girls so it felt like I was repeating the same mistake. I’ve spent the past two months trying to understand how I got myself involved in this again.

 

In June, I had two massive breakdowns over this.

 

I felt sad that I essentially severed any friendship I could have had with his now ex-girlfriend. I was upset that even though I was second choice (in my head, more on this later) I still felt like I had to be there for this guy.

The catch is that he never really asked anything of me, but my codependent tendencies had me offering money, rides, and favors galore because I thought I could earn his affection that way. After one night of giving way too much, I went off on him because I felt taken advantage of when he didn’t respond how I thought he would.

 

It’s when he told me that I offered and he never asked that the pieces started to come together in my head.

 

With my guy last year and him now, I proceeded to do everything to make them happy because I didn’t feel like my presence was enough. I thought if I could provide value by giving them things or validating them that I found the key to securing those relationships.

Well, last year ended with this guy never responding to a text where I told him exactly how I felt about everything.

I spent months going over if I did the right thing or if a long text was ‘too much.’

Now, I’m glad I sent it even if I never truly know how he felt about me. I needed him to know for my own sense of closure.

When it comes to my situation now, I’ve had a monumental month.

With those breakdowns in June, I felt I was completely losing myself in this new ‘relationship.’

I wasn’t living for me anymore. I was dropping everything for him and closing off everyone else in my life. My bank account was low. I didn’t sleep enough. I constantly felt like I was still letting him down (for not being enough) and everyone around me for being so blind to the reality of how I was treating myself.

The first breakdown was a night where I was far from sober at his place and felt like a completely different person than I used to be – I touched on this in ‘On Rock Bottom and Breakdowns.’

I left his place, sat in my car and cried for two hours straight. My makeup looked like I had washed my face it was that many tears. Once I got home, I could hardly do anything. All I could do was sit there and wonder how I ended up so far gone from who I used to be.

I slept until 3pm the next day.

I told myself I was going to distance myself from going out and this guy because I didn’t like the person I was becoming.

 

Fast forward two weeks later and I had an even larger, public, breakdown.

 

I went to his house after work because he was having a rough night, but I also told my friends I was meeting up with them later. I ended up far from sober once again and drowning in my own tears. I was talking about all of my problems with this guy and I didn’t like the responses he was giving. They were hitting me pretty hard emotionally.

My friends reached out to see where I was, but they already knew. I felt like I let them down because I abandoned them for a guy when they didn’t realize how gone I was emotionally.

We both ended up meeting up with these friends and due to my distressed state, they were obviously worried. It turned in to an almost bar fight and lots of uncontrollable sobbing. I had never felt so vulnerable and weak.

I spent the first two weeks of July without any substances. I needed a period of sobriety to truly see how attached I had become to not being sober. I loved the feeling of not giving a shit about anything when I wasn’t sober, but it was starting to pour in to my day-to-day life.

I stopped caring about myself. I stayed under the influence of something because it numbed out the pain I was feeling with not only this guy, but life itself. I took a break from him too which in the grand scheme of things, we both needed. We enabled each other.

He enabled my codependent tendencies and I enabled a lot of his own issues. I won’t expose him on here since I have no right to tell his business, but all in all, we weren’t helping each other in the slightest.

So, I took time for myself, as did he.

 

I spent time with my friends again. I saved my money. I got enough sleep.

 

It was a massive reset period for me.

But as of a week ago, I’ve started to let myself be loose again.

The difference is that I’m coming at it from the right place now – I’m not under the influence to escape anything or anyone, it is only to enhance an experience I’m already having.

I came to another conclusion during this time.

 

I used to believe until very recently that codependency can only be in relation to romantic relationships. Not even close.

 

I noticed that since I didn’t have this guy to use my tendencies on, I was doing it to my friends. I was trying to say the right thing to make them forgive me. I didn’t want to step on any toes or have them disown me because I didn’t want to feel alone like last year.

I was filtering what I said because I didn’t want to accidentally offend anyone. I felt like I couldn’t talk to this guy anymore because I made him out to be the reason I wasn’t acting like myself. I felt that by talking to him I would be making my friends upset.

Once I realized how anxious I was getting over this, I took a step back. I laid in my bed for a few hours that night and tried to understand why I felt so unlovable.

 

July taught me that while yes, we all have our insecurities, that I’ve never given myself a chance to be who I truly am. I always sift through whatever part of myself I think someone will respond best to and amplify it. I don’t act in accordance with how I feel, but how to logically play out a situation. It’s kept me locked up and tight-lipped for years and if it weren’t for that second breakdown, I don’t think I would have realized this for many more.

 

So, I’ve made amends with that guy – we’re actually pretty good friends now. We both apologized over what went wrong in our situation and we’ve since been able to actually enjoy each other’s company again.

With my friends, I’m starting to actually feel like myself with them. I don’t watch what I say anymore. I say what I truly want to say even if not everyone will agree with me.

I know what’s best for me and it took years of saying that for it to really hit me. Others may have wisdom of their own and we can take inspiration from that, but in the end, we have to look out for ourselves. We know in our heart what feels good or bad to do – no amount of logic or outside opinions can change what you know to be true internally.

I didn’t realize how open I was going to be today but I think that’s what I’ve been missing on here lately. I’ve kept my problems vague and discreet when thing is, that helps no one. I don’t feel like I’ve actually let anything out when I shut down the things that have truly been a problem for me. It’s easier to reflect back on past issues, like I said last week, because they feel more distant now. I can throw in some spiritual truths and wrap it up in a perfect bow. I don’t want to do that anymore.

 

Truth is, I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotions with a guy and struggled with being sober since about early June.

 

I’m doing much better now though. The end of this month has been eye-opening to say the least.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable with the idea that people and men could actually like me for me. I’m recognizing my strengths a lot more than my weaknesses.

The fact I was even able to publish this post shows me that I’ve come a long way. I didn’t sugarcoat what happened or brush over it, I actually dove in to my problems. This may be the start of a lot more transparency on here because this post felt fucking incredible to write.

I don’t know what kind of writer I am or where I’m going with it. I don’t know if I’m going about writing in the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way.

All I know is that I love when I don’t pressure my writing to ‘be’ anything, but just let it unfold how it wants to.

Who knows what will come out next week, but as of now, this is the first post I’ve felt truly inspired to write since ‘I Hit An Epiphany and Everything Has Changed.’

 

It feels good to be me again.

 

I’ve grown, of course, but I’m starting to feel a sense of coming home to myself that hasn’t been around in a long time.

I love you guys. Thank you for sticking out this journey with me.

I’m not going anywhere. I know this life was meant for me and my words were meant to be shared, even when I have periods of doubt.

Writing is a calling to me. I feel it in my bones.

It doesn’t matter what it is or who I become because of it, but that the act of doing it is what fuels me.

I’ll continue to venture out in this little world of mine, but in the end, I’m coming home.

I’ll always be coming home.