If you read my posts at all, I have to assume that you have an ounce of interest in all these woo-woo spiritual concepts I talk about – take my most recent post on death, for example.

So, you would think after all of this time, I’d have a grip on my emotions. I’d be able to talk myself through any bad spiral that appears upon me. While I wish that were the case, the girl writing to you now has spent the entire day in bed.

I watched the O.C. last night for one too many hours and somehow ended up feeling upset. Usually Seth Cohen keeps the humor light, so I couldn’t figure out why I was about to go to bed in tears.

Once I finally turned off the show, I just laid there. That’s my go-to when I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I lay there and try to talk it out – sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud.

I even have a folder on my phone of little videos I take of myself trying to talk through an issue. It sounds silly, but in the age of video bloggers, all feels normal. It’s actually therapeutic to look back on. I see myself go from confused and sad to relieved with a solution by the end.

But last night, no video. It was roughly midnight and I was too tired to get in to it.

I know a negative emotion is coming over me when I start trying to escape. Sometimes I have no issue sitting in meditation and re-focusing my energy when I feel off, but if the idea of doing that feels awful, I know there’s something serious going on.

 

The things we try to avoid the most are the ones that have the strongest hold on us.

 

My mind tries to protect me by distracting me. I did the same for most of today. I watched shows, YouTube, and after laying in bed for a bit, I feel more ready to go in to this.

Not everyone has the same coping mechanism, so you may not avoid like I do, but look at your go-to practice when you feel sad. For some, we shop, drink, do drugs, eat, and so on. We engulf ourselves in something physical because the inner world feels too painful.

I find myself glued to a screen because if I can get lost in someone else’s issues, I forget about mine.

 

Almost every time I finish watching a series, I watch the last season in a matter of a day. Not because I’m invested in the show, which I am too, but because I’m avoiding something. I don’t plan it this way but it is usually how it unfolds.

 

I finished How I Met Your Mother during the time I was shaming myself for not being open to love.

I finished The Office right before seeing a guy who hurt me for the last time.

I finished Big Little Lies and Masters of None in the same day because I couldn’t bear to face my own life.

 

So as I watched the O.C. last night, for hours on hours, I found myself feeling extremely alone. As dumb as it may sound, it kept picking the wound that I’m on a lonely road as much as I want to be on the highway. I see these teenagers living out this highly unrealistic experience yet it makes my own life feel sub par. I started questioning why I continue to watch these stupid shows because the beliefs I hold and what’s out there feel so disconnected.

I see relationship arguments or drama and just want to shake the people involved saying ‘you create your own reality!’ or ‘you attracted this person in to your life for a reason! heal the wound!’ but that’s not the case.

 

We live in a world of blame.

 

As a spiritual student, I know everything being triggered within me is due to issues I have yet to resolve. I know my thoughts are ultimately creating what I see, so when I fall in to these sad spaces, I hate being there. It feels like I’m just attracting more bad in to my life.

It’s one thing to read and learn about this universe, but it is another to live out those principles.

I knew sitting in my self-pity was doing me no good, so I went to bed and left it to this morning. I journaled a bit this morning which helped, but ultimately the only thing that felt good to do today was sulk. So, I did. I watched some shows. I caught up on some YouTube. I stayed with my cat and let her lay with me.

Moods are temporary. They pass. I knew this.

No amount of reading or inner work that I do on myself will ever spare me of negative emotion. It can only influence my comeback rate.

 

Negative emotion is needed to know what isn’t working in our lives. It inspires us to know more of what we would rather have.

 

I had to be gentle with myself.

I wasn’t feeling this way for no reason. It doesn’t matter what triggers you because every emotion we feel is justified. Emotion is us reacting to the present based on the past. Thing is, we tend to shame ourselves for feeling anything another than positive.

As often as I tell myself that it is okay to feel how I feel, I still get caught up in blame. I tell myself I should know better at this point. I know I have control and I need to act like it.

However, I know it can be hard to think we actually have control when nothing points to that truth.

My mind tried going there too.

I was feeling incredibly alone in a house full of people. I tried to tell myself that there were people all around me and I was fine. I quickly realized that it doesn’t matter how many people are around you if you don’t feel seen. I wanted this space of someone being unconditionally with me and to be honest, unconditional love is a term thrown around way too easily.

 

This is no one’s fault, but an ideology we all grew up on.

 

We’re told that our parents will love us unconditionally. Our extended family will too. Being blood instantly means love in the eyes of this society.

As we all know, each one of us grows up in vastly different environments.

Some parents attend every single school event for their kids and call it love. It doesn’t matter how present they are, but the fact they are physically there is the condition that’s emphasized. Other parents miss the games for work and say them working extra hours puts a roof over their head and call that love. They guilt the child for feeling unsupported in their passions because having their mouths fed and clothes on their back is support in and of itself.

Some parents beat their children to teach discipline. A strict upbringing means a good standing adult, which the kid should be thankful for, right?

Others give their children the freedom to do whatever they want and call that love. They feel directionless and confused, but their friends’ parents are rough on them, so the child feels no room for complaint. Funny enough, they feel like the strict parents are actually more involved in their kids’ lives.

 

No matter how a parent raises their child, whatever the basis of love was will be the condition that the child carries out in to their adult life.

 

We preach this concept of unconditional love when all we’ve grown up on are conditions.

If you were shown tough love as a kid, you won’t respond well to a partner or friend who tells you to ‘do what makes you happy.’ That doesn’t feel like love to you. It feels like they have no faith in you because if they really cared, they’d make it known and share their opinion just like Dad did.

If you had parents who were never there, if someone who constantly wants to be in your vicinity, you feel like they want something out of you. They wouldn’t stick around because they really wanted to; if they actually loved you, they’d pop in every so often and give you space.

 

It all depends on our own circumstances.

 

So when I say I want someone unconditionally there for me, I know that isn’t a simple request. I fall in to the category of believing people want something out of me if they’re too close. I always feel like there’s a catch.

Even believing someone could be unconditional is hard for me, but again, we live in universe where we create our own reality.

I have this old wound of belief that I have to achieve someone’s love. I can’t be who I am alone and expect anything based off of that.

I have to pay for the meals, buy the gifts, and go along with sex because I believe they’ll see nothing to gain otherwise.

 

I don’t blame the people in my life for any of this.

 

Again, I know these were the lessons I came down here to learn, but the knowledge doesn’t make busting old beliefs any easier. My mind has basically formed psychological habits that have me repeating a lot of the life issues.

Thing is, I know sitting here and diving in to this is countering those beliefs alone. Instead of laying here in self-pity watching mindless videos, I’m trying to figure things out. That’s all we really can do when something comes up for us.

I don’t have a solution yet for how I am going to overcome my adversity to relationships.

All I know is I am never going to stop trying.

I will continue to get out of bed. I will do my best to open myself to the people in my life, old and new. I’ll let myself cry when I need to as I’ll smile at every inch of progress I make.

Like I said with driving before, overcoming a fear is never overnight. It takes practice. It takes showing up.

And it is only in willingness to do so that will ever shake the fear.