It’s been a hell of a week.

Not good, not bad, but definitely worth a run through.

As I wrote to you last week, my head was in an incredible state of mind. I felt at ease for what’s to come with every bone in my body. I knew that life was bound to bring me contrast soon enough because we’re always experiencing the good and bad of this physical world, however, I didn’t expect it to come within hours of that post.

I was watching some Jimmy Kimmel interviews and as one does, I was laughing at some of these celebrities’ stories. I’m not going to name names because those who know me would instantly be able to pin point who I’m talking about, but there’s one actor who reminds me incessantly of the guy I fell too hard for last year.

I never saw the resemblance when we were actually speaking but since I’ve actually gotten back in to pop culture as of late, all I see is the similarities. I ended up binging interviews of this actor and found myself simultaneously laughing and crying.

Laughing because this actor is charismatic as hell, but tears due to his doppelganger being long gone from my life.

Since I last spoke to him, I had been doing really well. Some of the last words I said to him were words of forgiveness and understanding. When I discovered that this guy was basically my mirror for how I had treated my past partners, I actually told him. That was healing in and of itself despite not much coming from it. Thank god he doesn’t read these articles because I feel like a lunatic being upset when things were never that serious between us. But alas, I’m human. Sometimes we get attached to things and people and don’t quite understand why until later.

After those interviews, I felt extremely off. I couldn’t figure out why they were affecting me so deeply. I took my own past advice and tried to be there for myself. I sat down, pulled out my camera, and filmed myself talking through what was going on. I wanted to understand why I felt upset about something that in the big picture, hadn’t changed in months.

I found that the more I tried to get answers out of myself, the more confused and upset I became. So, I tried to focus on something more positive while still trying to comfort where I was. I managed to laugh at funny videos or enjoy some That 70’s Show, yet when the night came to an end, I felt no better. I didn’t have a solution to my problem: Why was I missing someone in the same way I used to when so much has changed since then? Why was I feeling called to listen to those sad songs I used to resonate with and re-read old messages? I thought I had passed this.

I woke up the next morning in the same state of mind.

I knew that was going to happen because whatever you carry with you before bed always rolls over in to the next day. Sleep takes you out of the conscious and in to the subconscious, so in your conscious mind, nothing changes when you sleep. You’re still left with the same issues when you arise. This is why I wanted to find a solution so quickly – I didn’t want these emotions to follow me for another day.

Well, they ended up following me for three days. I couldn’t explain it, but my mind was repeating the same thought patterns it used to a year ago. I found myself missing someone I thought I would never see again, belting sad songs, and wondering what was wrong with me. I tried to feed myself spiritual truths like ‘they’re on their own journey’ or ‘the other person is you’ but my emotions couldn’t handle it. I was upset and no one could tell me different, not even myself.

I finally got myself out of the house and managed to get my hair, nails, and some shopping done for my new job on Monday. I’m starting to feel like myself again, but the fact that an old issue stemmed up so quickly and overpowered me for three days hurt.

You think you’re over something and then, something as silly as celebrity interviews can reignite the pain. I actually ended up binging that actor’s movies during my sad days which I can’t say helped, but at least gave me a bit of enjoyment. It gave me a larger appreciation for his work, but that’s besides the point.

I think the worst part of this issue coming up was feeling like I fucked up – that I’ve come too far to let myself get upset over this again.

Funny enough, one of my favorite teachers, Teal Swan, has been posting videos regarding the topic of healing recently. She shared one truth that instantly comforted me.

 

Healing happens in layers.

 

We can deal with the same trauma for years yet we’re never back to square one. She explains healing in terms of ladders and onions. I know, I know, but listen.

In our physical realm, we see healing from an issue as a ladder. We climb up the ladder, but if we slip up or relapse, we fall back down. We try again and right on cue, land back at the bottom. If this is how we see things, no wonder most of us get frustrated when we repeat a past mistake. It feels like you broke a good track record and you’re starting over.

In actuality, healing occurs like peeling an onion. We’re coasting through our healing when we hit a block. We overcome it fortunately, but out of nowhere, we hit another block. These blocks in terms of the ladder system would be falling down, but when it comes to an onion, we’re only hitting another layer.

 

Thing is, we can never start over. We’re never where we once were when it comes to a particular issue.

 

With my own, I spent a lot of last year upset over this guy. There were so many ups and downs that I’m sure it would surprise him if he knew. Yet once I finally stopped putting my focus on him and turned to myself, I began to feel better. I dove in to my spirituality in a way I never had before. I became involved in my own life again and even though I was sad, I felt a new sense of empowerment. I was no longer the same person who used to look for his attention.

So, when I relived my old mentality this week, I felt awful. It’s been months upon months since I’ve seen him, so I didn’t get why I felt like that unloved girl a year ago. A lot of time has passed.

Well, the interviews were a trigger. Seeing another human being resembling someone you cared a lot about hurt – it emphasized the fact he wasn’t here. Could I have known that I was going to have that reaction? Of course not. Was it okay that I did? Absolutely.

 

You can’t know what you don’t know yet.

 

I didn’t realize yet that while I felt like the hurt girl from last year, I wasn’t in the same shoes. A lot had changed since then, I had changed since then. I was only hitting another layer, not falling to the bottom of the ladder.

I started to feel better and on top of that, Teal reminded me of something else.

 

Everything that has a beginning must have an end.

 

When we’re in the midst of negative emotion, being told it will pass might feel terrible, but it’s the truth. Our emotions will never last forever, they are always changing. Which, if you look at your own life, you’ll also find to be true. We’ve survived 100% of the days where we didn’t know if we could take it anymore. The feeling passes, it always does.

So, as I sit here now, I’m being gentle with myself. That’s the key to getting through anything.

You have to sit and listen to what’s going on with you. If you turn against yourself and shame how you feel, you’re feeding in to the issue itself.

We tell ourselves we’re overreacting or shouldn’t feel how we feel when we’re actually feeling that certain emotion for a very good reason.

 

Our emotions are based on experience and if we react negatively to something, that only means we were hurt by that very same thing in the past.

 

I saw an actor who was attractive to me in the same way as my specific person. So, feeling that attraction and the subsequent reminder that in the ‘real’ world I didn’t have my person came like a wrecking ball. It was a repeat emotional response from the past. I missed someone, they weren’t here, so I was upset. There’s nothing wrong with that.

If I had gotten angry with myself and tried to avoid how I felt, the emotions would’ve only gotten louder. We have to understand that how we feel is always in accordance with our reasoning behind that emotion.

As soon as we figure out the trigger, we have to accept what occurred.

Some of us grow up not believing our emotions, but I’m here to tell you they’re always guiding you and most of all, they’re always right. Not the brain, but the heart. Logic tells us that we’ve already been through something and need to move on. The heart says there’s more work to be done here.

That’s really all negative emotion is – a rise within us that lets us know healing is still in progress.

 

We may have to hit the same layer for months or even years, but like I said, everything with a beginning must have an end. So, even though we can’t possibly see how we’ll get over something now, the end is always near.

Avoidance and deflection will work for a period of time, but issues will continue to boil up until they are finally dealt with. They’ll get creative.

If they can’t come through a past specific person, another person will enter your life that brings up the exact same issue within you.

 

It’s only when we take every understanding bone in our body and apply that to our own wounds that we facilitate our own healing.

 

And it’s in continuing to show up that we’ve found the only way through.

The only way out is through.

Anything else keeps us in a pain cycle and trust me, we’ve come too far to limit ourselves to only a handful of experiences.

In the end, it is only a layer – never a ladder.

And it’s only once we start that we can never fall again.