‘The ego is nothing other than the focus of our constant attention.’ – Alan Watts
It’s been a week – one of those where you feel like you’ve just been through it.
I kind of saw it coming.
While I usually love refreshing myself on Sundays, my motivation was non-existent this past week. I didn’t use my planner, clean up my space, or even just enjoy the day. My depression was creeping in and on top of that, I felt a sore throat coming on.
I didn’t think much of it, but once I left work on Monday, I felt terrible.
I was running on two hours of sleep, my voice was cracking, and everything started to hurt. So, I took a nap when I got home and thought that’d do the trick.
Well, my sickness only got worse and five days later, I can’t even express how happy I am to rest this weekend. My whole week was a cycle of wake up, work, sleep, eat, sleep, repeat.
I may have physically slept plenty of hours, but having priorities in the back of your mind doesn’t lead to true rest.
Ironically, I’m kind of glad I got sick. It usually only comes around twice a year and while it bothers me physically, I know in my mind that the Universe gave this to me for a reason.
I just started a new management job in April. It’s a lot of responsibility and for the first time, I work the typical M-F. It’s something to get used to.
I’ve found myself looking forward to the weekends and stressing myself out throughout the week. I let the self-care side of me go until Friday comes around and I know that’s not me.
So, as a way to bring me back to reality, I pretty much manifested this cold. If I wasn’t consciously going to take care of myself, the Universe had to bring me back somehow. For that, I’m grateful.
It’s funny too. You don’t realize how much pressure you’re putting on yourself until you’re basically forced to rest and just be.
The goal this weekend is to focus internally and figure out a way to find balance during the work week. I haven’t found a great routine quite yet and that’s okay. It’s only been a month of this new schedule, so I can’t expect to have it all figured out. Transition is always going to be a struggle until you adjust.
For the past year, I’ve been completely invested in the self-help industry. I’ve done some intense inner work and read dozens of books on every issue imaginable.
So, why is it that I fall back into ego thoughts or still get stressed over work when I know mentality is reality?
It’s simple.
Happiness is built up of fleeting moments and as humans, we are never done growing.
You see, when we build happiness up to be this destination we’ll reach when x, y, and z occurs, we’ll never reach it. Once x, y, and z occurs, is life supposed to stop there? Is that as good as it is going to get?
Of course not.
Plus, what if everything plays out exactly how we want it to and we don’t feel how we expected to feel? We’re disappointed, frustrated, or just plain confused.
If you think about it, life is completely unpredictable. You can have an idea of how something will unfold, but chances are, my guess is as good as yours. We don’t have a clue what the Universe has in store.
With all this unpredictability, our thoughts tend to flare up. The ego-mind wants to feel in control so it drowns you in stress and ‘everything is too good to be true.’
It won’t let you enjoy a good moment because it wants to be prepared for the next possible thing that could go wrong. It’s the typical ‘flight or fight’ response.
The ego keeps you focused on losing everything so if you do, you won’t be as affected by it. Unfortunately, living in a constant state of fear is just as damaging as the thing you’re afraid of actually happening; either way, you’re destined to lose.
So, when you’re being hard on yourself, just remember who is talking. The ego may think it is protecting you, but you know the truth. Witness the negative thought and just like a cloud, watch it pass by.
When you dissociate from the thought, you’re distancing yourself from the emotion as well. You’ll no longer feel as hurt or consumed over what your ego had to say.
I’ve felt stressed for the past month and I bet if I had witnessed my thoughts from the beginning, I would have never gotten sick. Physical and mental health are more inter-linked than we’re led to believe.
If you’ve found yourself caught up in your ego lately, first of all, don’t feel bad about it. It happens to everyone – even the most spiritually-aligned.
All that matters is you recognize it now and choose again. Choose the better thought.
It may feel fake in the beginning or your mental illness may beg to differ, but lucky for you, the Universe works with aligned-action. If you’re putting forth the effort to choose differently, even in the smallest way, miracles will be granted.
Events will unfold that may seem insignificant now, but they’ll end up taking you down the perfect path.
As long as we remain open to growth, we will be led. No amount of ego thoughts can take us away from our true nature.
We are only as free as we choose to be.