“Your highest self only wants you to be at peace. It does not compare, judge, or demand that you defeat anyone or be better than anyone.” – Wayne Dyer
As I’m writing this, my 21st birthday is roughly three weeks away and my emotions are nothing but conflicted. Even two years ago, I thought by this age that I would be diligently crossing x’s off my calendar.
In reality, I don’t know how to feel. I’m excited for the milestone, sure, but I thought I’d be more into it. My only plans so far consist of work and renewing my license, you know, in case I decide to embrace my newfound adulthood.
I feel that I let most of my inner wild child out in high school. I’d throw parties at my house, invite a group of friends over, and we’d drink vodka straight until the bottles were as dry as my dad’s sense of humor.
The whole point of drinking was to get drunk, so most of the time, I pushed my limit. I struggled with an immense amount of social anxiety growing up (honestly, still do) so having the crutch of alcohol felt comforting.
However, it got to a point when I was 17 where I felt disconnected from the whole thing. My friendships had become toxic, but instead of letting go, I stuck around. I was extremely passive and ultimately let people walk all over me. Going to parties with these people ultimately built up this sense of resentment. I didn’t want to drink anymore. I didn’t want to hook up with boys who wouldn’t look at me twice the next day.
I should mention I was never the ‘fun drunk’ either. When I’m under the influence of anything, I tend to get extremely out of it unless I’m with the right people. If I’m surrounded by drunks who pressure me into things I don’t want to do or call me out on being ‘quiet’ or ‘boring’, I close up. I chug my alcohol as a way to numb my pain.
So, I became quiet. I’d attend these parties but wouldn’t speak a word. If my ‘friends’ spoke to me, I’d cheer them on in whatever stupid decision they were about to make, but most of the night was spent in my head.
By senior year, I cut off the toxicity. I had a solid two friends to my name and in turn, I didn’t really drink anymore. I was more focused on getting the fuck out of high school.
Since graduation, I can probably count the amount of times I’ve drank on my two hands. It’s been few and far between. I’ve never thrived in the party environment, so lucky for me, graduating eliminated this culture altogether.
I tried college twice, private and community, but neither panned out. I’ll definitely write a full post on this in the future, but obviously without college, avoiding drinking became even easier.
I haven’t been actively avoiding it, but the events just haven’t come up. If I do attend the odd party, I will, but I don’t go out of my way to drink on my own – even a glass a wine.
It might have something to do with my eating disorder, but for the past three years, I’ve become more than consumed over what I put in my body. I went from binge eating for a year, to intuitive eating (but still struggling) to a plant-based vegan lifestyle. It’s been a ride and my recovery is still far from healed.
It’s crazy to think where I’ve ended up at 21.
No degree, full-time management job, passion of writing/reading/self-care, vegan, and a whirl of mental health issues. It’s been a rollercoaster and while some days are hard, I know I’m on the exact path I’m meant to be. I have faith in the Universe’s divine plan.
I tend to forget how young I am in the grand scheme of it all.
I’ve only lived a solid twenty years on this planet, most live for about eighty. How wild is that? I’m not even halfway through, so how can I possibly get wrapped up in where I’m supposed to be? How I’m supposed to feel at this age?
Truthfully, there’s no one right path. I believe we all cultivate a unique path for ourselves based on the decisions we make. However, even if we try to mirror someone else’s path, we will still have a different outcome. That’s just how the Universe works; not one of us is completely like another.
So, while I can look at other 21 year olds and make comparisons for days, there’s no substance there. It’s fine to look to others for inspiration, but once you get caught up in the story of being wrong or not doing enough or hell, in my case, not having enough fun, you’re screwed.
Don’t worry about what others are doing. Let them have their prerogative and stay focused on yours.
So on June 14th, maybe I’ll have a drink, maybe I won’t. All I know for sure is I won’t beat myself up for not having the typical ‘turning 21’ experience. It’s just a day. I won’t let myself get wrapped up in it.
I encourage you all to do the same wherever you are in life.
If you’re thirty and single, maybe take a step back from your Facebook feed. If seeing friends engaged and pregnant only makes you feel bitter, instead focus on your own internal work. Start a journaling practice. Get in the best shape of your life. Make a list of the perfect partner for you, visualize him/her, and watch the Universe work its magic.
If you’re sixteen and you find yourself underwhelmed by not having the ‘best four years of your life’, relax. High school feels incredibly important while you’re there, but trust me, the years will fly. I hated high school for the majority or it, but I realize now how minuscule all my problems actually were. Having a ton of friends, the best promposal, or hell, even a prom date at all, only means so much after the caps are thrown.
Comparison never leads to a positive outcome. Getting caught up in the ‘should’s’ of life will inevitably leave you feeling broken and confused when, in reality, you don’t have to do a damn thing. All you’re responsible for is living a life that feels good.
When you feel good, life runs smoothly. Remove the people, places, and thought patterns that do nothing but interfere with the good.
Our mind is only as powerful as we choose to let it be.