You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne Dyer
It’s hardly noon and my mind already won’t stop spinning. I woke up around 8am today and from the moment I woke, I knew my depression had hit. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I felt like I had a million things to do (I don’t) and I was struck with nothing but overwhelm.
I have a three-day weekend after a long week and I didn’t schedule a damn thing. I was pumped about this on Friday, hell, even yesterday. It felt fantastic to not have a single priority.
I spent my Saturday reading, writing, and most of all, reflecting. I took a step back from all of my anxieties and let myself enjoy the little moments. However, now all of that anxiety is catching up with me.
My mind keeps telling me to get ready and go out today, but thing is, I don’t have money to spend. I don’t have people to see. By the end of getting ready, I see myself at a loss, crying off the wings I just perfected. I hate when I get like this.
Since I was a little girl, I have struggled with depression. I remember being in first grade; I felt like a complete outcast, didn’t understand my emotions, and desperately wanted to stay in my room. I found comfort in my own company. The outside world threw me off, still does.
The worst part is my depression can either stem from the smallest occurrence or come out of the blue; it is never a huge life or death event. A guy could ignore me for a day and I immediately feel the wrath of unworthiness or not being ‘good enough’ for him. Someone could make a small comment to me about my weight and I dive straight back into my eating disorder thoughts.
It’s always the small things.
Due to this, I tend to keep quiet. The problems feel minuscule, so I don’t bother telling anyone. If I’ve learned anything over the past year, it’s that everyone is caught up in their own bullshit. The way someone treats you or how they react to your issues is all a reflection of their own internal struggle. Sharing anything anymore feels difficult because I have a hard time believing anyone actually cares.
However, I’m well aware that my personality type is not the be-all, end-all of human civilization. I’m an INFJ, therefore, I tend to be introspective and have a knack for reading others. I don’t say this to be narcissistic because if it were up to me, I don’t know if I would take this personality on.
It’s difficult to enjoy social engagements at all when most of it is spent interpreting in your head.
Growing up, my friends would get frustrated with me. I had a hard time truly opening up to others, so when they did and I took a step back, they felt too vulnerable. If I wasn’t going to share, why should they?
Since I was mostly a part of three-person friend groups (myself included), the other two girls always got closer to each other and I ended up the outcast. To them, since I didn’t open up, that was on me. I had no one to blame but myself.
As the years went on and I graduated high school, I ended up distancing myself from social interaction altogether. I was tired of feeling pressure to be an open book when I wanted to deal with my problems on my own terms. Not to mention, I always surrounded myself with people who were extroverted. It wasn’t intentionally, of course, since I was extremely introverted myself. I felt sensory overload for most of my teen years.
Three years later, I couldn’t even tell you my closest friend. I don’t think I have one. I look around at those my age and see people going out every night, moving in with their best friend, and overall, having companionship.
I get angry at myself for building this social barrier. I don’t know how to find friendship as an adult.
I have worked at a coffee shop for almost three years now. I started as a barista and just over a year ago, I was promoted to assistant manager. It was easy to build connections as a barista, but once you have to manage others, you can’t see them as your friends anymore. I struggle to manage due to this – I want everyone to like me especially since my only social interaction is my job.
I transferred to a new location in April, so I kind of have a fresh start. I’m trying to keep the employees at a distance so I have a better chance of being a good manager, yet, not trying to befriend these people feels inauthentic. All I want to do is connect with these people, but the moment I become their friend, I lose all credibility as a boss.
I’m working on it.
I think that may be where my funk stemmed from as well. The weekend is coming to an end and I have to go back to work and stumble through this issue. I desperately want to be a leader and eventually run my own store, but the lack of social connection kills me. I’m empathetic by nature and bringing that to the workplace makes me the person people can take advantage of; I don’t want that to be my story anymore.
I’m putting it out into the Universe: I crave a close bond with others, even just one person. I’m tired of shuffling through life without a person to turn to. I love my independence and I will always cherish it, but as humans, we’re designed for connection. I can’t pretend I’m okay on my own anymore.
I needed these past three years to come back to myself, but now, I’m ready to put myself out there again. I’m ready to see what people come my way or how to build upon my existing relationships.
This turned into much more of a vent session than I intended, but if you’re feeling lonely as well, I hope I can provide some comfort for you.
Not everyone has a solid group of friends by their early twenties, let alone have their emotions all figured out. I thought my depression and social anxiety would be long gone by 20 yet here we are.
Luckily, I have found solace in the wellness/self-help community. I recognize most of my internal struggles are simply bad thought patterns and I have the power to change them. I’ll let myself mope for a bit, like I did here, but I won’t let the feeling stick around forever.
I know my tribe is out there. I know I’ll become the exact leader I’m meant to be. I can’t get so caught up in the when, how, or why. There’s beauty in the breakdown, so I’m taking it in.
Life doesn’t have an end destination, so the journey is all I have – might as well enjoy it. There’s no where I need to ‘get to’ or a person I need to become, I’m where I’m meant to be in each moment.
This depressive spell came over me this morning because I needed to share it with you all. I had stories to tell inside and without the bad mood, I probably wouldn’t have shown up to my writing today. The mood needed to happen.
Some of our biggest breakthroughs happen during the darkest times, so don’t see them as a setback; you’re being set up for growth.
Truth is, you never know what to expect. You can’t give up on the hard days because most of the time, something awesome is right around the corner. Think back to a time where this was true for you, I know you can think of one.
Let the bad moods come, but don’t let them consume. Everything passes in due time.