I came to strange realization today – well, not really strange, but interesting.

You see, throughout my day-to-day life, I find myself running around like a maniac. Most weekdays, I’m busy from sun up ’til sun down. I wake up, work for ten hours, go to spin class, come home, and repeat. Granted each day is always a little different yet the premise is the same; I have a set routine.

However, the routine is always leading up to the main event: coming home to no priorities. It’s on my mind all day.

 

I can’t wait to go home and relax.

Only two more hours until I’m home.

Wow, today is going by pretty fast (I say at 10am) – can’t wait to go home and watch some Sex and the City.

 

So why is it, that on my off days, I tend to find myself in an almost distorted bubble in my mind? I have an entire day dedicated to those little moments I wait for and yet, after a few hours, I feel utter static.

I used to put myself through this spiral of feeling guilty for not getting enough done (writing, cleaning, planning, exercising, the works) but even with a more relaxed mindset, I still find myself feeling off.

I worked on my blog for a solid four hours today. Not so much writing, but diving into knowledge aspects of blogging I have been putting off. It felt good, but once I found myself agitated with my laptop, I shut it off and laid in bed for a solid twenty minutes.

I laid there and watched my mind go on a loop. We tend to find ourselves identified with our thoughts more often than not, but if you really sit there, you see how sporadic your mind can become. One moment you’re thinking about de-cluttering your closet and the next you’re thinking of something hurtful someone said to you months ago.

It bounces from topic to topic without any set path or notion for it – our minds simply exist to make sense of the world around us.

Our physical bodies experience emotion (in my case, restlessness) and through our thoughts, we try to dissect what occurred to get us there.

 

Maybe I’m not doing enough with my time today. I should go out. But wait, I don’t have much money. Or anyone to go with. Actually, I don’t really want to go out. That’s too much of a hassle. I don’t want to get ready. Well, what else are you going to do though? Just sit here? Maybe. I guess that’s okay. I don’t know. Shit.

 

The loop continues until the moment you recognize it is a loop. The mind is simply trying to understand what’s going on with us; it doesn’t exist to make us feel good or bad, but to assist. It’s our tool for navigating this physical reality.

So, once I began recognizing the loop, it hit me. I wait all week to have time for myself and I’m spending that time, sitting here, thinking about how I’m wasting that time. Which only wastes more time and brings me right back to Monday where I’ll do the whole process over again.

 

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to feel productive or make the most of your time, but the second you start to shame yourself for it, the chains must come off.

 

One technique that always makes me feel better when I’m feeling off is the act of asking yourself what would make you feel better right now. It forces you to find something positive you would enjoy in this moment and by doing that thing for yourself, a shift begins within.

In my down moment, watching a movie felt best. I broke out my watch list on Amazon and decided to pick something real quick and curl up in bed.

Well, real quick turned into a half hour of deciding which movie would be the best to watch; y’know, what am I most in the mood for? What’s the longest/shortest? What’s the best use of my time?

 

Shit. I’m doing it again.

 

I brushed it off. I picked a cheesy Lily Collins romantic-comedy and as of now, I’m halfway through.

Why halfway, you ask?

 

Restlessness.

 

My mind started interfering yet again.

 

Kim, you already know how these movies end. You’re really wasting two hours of your time. You’re probably just distracting yourself with this because your emotions feel off. You’ll probably cry once you finish it. Damn, she’s really in love with her childhood best friend. That’s sweet. C’mon, does this shit really actually happen? I’m sounding a little bitter. Maybe I should stop watching this. Let’s take a shower.

 

So, I paused the movie. I got up and went to the bathroom.

 

Well, I could just wash my face. I’m working out in the morning anyway. Maybe I should make dinner. I kind of want to make a pizza. It’s only six though. Actually let’s do a face mask. No, that stuff burns my face. Not really in the mood for that tonight. My skin probably needs it though. Okay cool, face mask on. Let’s make a cup of coffee and finish the movie. I needed a breather and I feel a little refreshed now.

Great, coffee made. I hope it doesn’t keep me up though. Eh, my caffeine tolerance is fine – well, two nights ago you were really jittery. Oh well, I guess we’ll see.

 

I came upstairs with the full intent to watch my movie and somehow, I ended up here writing this post.

 

It’s funny how your mind can turn the simplest of days into a full-on dramatic monologue. It gives you an endless amount of thoughts to work through and as you can see, about half of them you’ll end up following through on.

 

Today was definitely a day of my thoughts desperately wanting me to feel productive. I always know when that side comes up if it takes me more than five minutes to select a movie or music playlist.

My mind has all these different sides to it, as does yours. While it would be easy to get frustrated with them (and trust me, I have), we have to understand that our mind is only ever acting in our best favor. It’s only goal is for us to feel better. So in hopes of lifting our spirits, it works tirelessly to find the best solution to every problem currently running through our head.

When you look at your thoughts in this way, everything feels a little bit softer. First of all, you’re no longer identifying yourself as your thoughts. Your mind and thoughts exist to make sense of what is going on around you and improve it, not berate your every move.

 

Your soul, higher-self, whatever you want to call it is living out its purpose through your physical life. You exist in this world simply because your soul saw the human experience as something to learn through. So, your physical body is essentially the host of this soul and your thoughts are attaching on to this host as a way to continuously understand your surroundings.

 

Think about this when you wake in the morning. In the simple two minutes it takes you to walk from your bedroom to the bathroom, your mind will already run through at least fifty thoughts. It’s always going because life is always going – even during the most mundane of activities.

I was getting a little frustrated with myself earlier because of my restless thoughts, but thing is, this is the coast of life. You’ll have the moments where you’ll be out in the world having the time of your life and during others, you’ll spend a Saturday in bed watching a cheesy romantic comedy. You may feel a little restless or upset when you’re not doing something life-changing yet by you having the restless thoughts, you’re approaching new desires.

The fact that lying around and doing nothing made you feel stagnant only lets you know that you crave doing more exciting things in the future.

 

It’s in this case that your thoughts became a tool to further know what you want out of life.

 

As of now, I think I’m going to make that pizza and return to my movie. That feels good right now.

The key is to approach our lives with a sense of compassion, not discipline. Despite popular belief, no decision we ever make is right or wrong. No matter how things turn out, we either get what we want or learn more of what we want in the end.

Truth is, none of us know if we’re making the right choices half of the time. Sometimes we’ll put off making a decision at all for the fear of choosing wrong.

And yet, we’re always choosing. The very decision to not do anything is a choice in itself which will lead to its own outcomes as well.

Our thoughts are not the enemy and the choices we make from those thoughts can never take us in a good or bad direction. A direction, yes, but never a distinct one. We have to let go of this idea that we need to divulge through our thoughts and pick the ‘best’ ones to follow through on.

 

There is no best, there is only what feels good. The choice that feels the best to make is in fact, the best one to be making.

 

The moment we take life as a sense of enjoyment rather than obligation, the doors we’ve dreamed of appearing will fly open effortlessly. It’s only when we grasp to this image of a perfect life that the door slams hit.

Follow your emotions and use your mind as a tool to figure out how to feed those feelings. Easier said than done, but I promise you, the end result is worth it.

 

The moment we make how we feel the priority of our lives is the very moment all those pre-conceived notions of how humans are supposed to live are thrown out the door. They don’t matter anymore. The unpredictability of life becomes more of a beauty than a burden.

 

On that note, the pizza is done and my bed is calling to me.

Re-read this when you find yourself in the loop. It happens to absolutely every one of us and by following through mine, my hope is you can see yourself – maybe for the very first time.

You are not alone in this. We are not alone in this.

It’s only by sharing and coming together in our moments of weakness that the disconnect gets a bit smaller. I am you and you are me.

And in a world full of uncertainty, I have found nothing more comforting.