It’s about 50 degrees in my house right now so as I’m writing to you – I’m laying in bed with a solid three layers of clothes and blankets. I have my hot coffee next to me, a sleeping cat on the opposite side, and not a single priority today.

I woke up around 10am because for the first time in forever, I went out last night. I went to an event called Emo Nite which if you’re not familiar, consists of twenty-somethings coming together to belt early 2000’s angsty pop punk anthems. It was incredible – if you ever experienced a lonely emo phase growing up, I highly recommend seeing if Emo Nite comes to your area.

Thing is though, I went alone. For a girl who solo-traveled to Portland and Vegas this year, I was surprisingly very nervous about this event. I knew I’d be in a loud drinking environment yet the premise behind the event still had me itching to go.

I found myself belting and swaying to songs for a solid three hours before I headed home. For being awake since 5am and about forty minutes away from home, 12:30am felt late enough. In the past, I would have beat myself up for not sticking it out until the end, but the moment I walked out the door, I couldn’t help but smile.

As someone who grew up extremely socially anxious, the fact I made it three hours, alone, surrounded by groups of people was liberating. I didn’t feel excluded nor sad – I felt completely with myself. I knew as long as I had myself, I was okay. I didn’t hold back a single note throughout all the MCR and Panic! – I belted my damn heart out.

I can’t even explain how free I felt. I looked around the room and let me tell you, this was one of the most interesting people watching experiences I’ve ever had. Think about it – you have a group of people, who all grew up feeling pangs of suffering/loneliness, and you get them all in room together. You’d think we’d all be a bunch of introverts, but it was actually versatile as hell.

You had the people practically starting a mosh pit while others sat alone with a drink and simply took in the music. Yet somehow, both groups meshed perfectly. No one made another feel any type of way for what they were doing because we all collectively remember feeling misunderstood and alone. There was no judgment.

So, once I felt myself dozing off from the experience, I decided to leave. A high perk of going out alone – you get to do whatever you want. Want to stick around for a certain song? Stay where you are. Don’t like where you’re situated? Move. Feel like going home? No problem.

This may have been the first time I went to an event I actually wanted to go to and did things on my own terms. I was completely myself and all these facades I used to put on didn’t even try to make an appearance.

As I looked around, I saw myself in a lot of these people. I’ve touched on oneness before, but I’ll reiterate.

 

We are all reflections of each other. The people you like possess the positive qualities you carry (either consciously or subconsciously) and the people who annoy, frustrate, or rile you up carry the disowned aspects of you.

 

The people who were full-on dancing last night without a care in the world were inspiring to me. They approached life with such a zest of ease and fire that even if I don’t express it consciously, I also carry. I wouldn’t recognize it if it were not a part of me.

On the opposite end, the people who complained or felt closed up were also a part of me. They’re the aspect of me that has trouble opening up; the aspect that struggles with looking on the good side of things.

Your experience and the people who come into it are always a reflection of how you feel about yourself internally.

So while I was excited to go out last night, I also had underlying feelings of anxiety and dread. I knew it going into the night which is why I attracted both aspects – the people who felt excited to be there and those who couldn’t break out of their shell. It was all a mirror.

In the past, I used to get frustrated with myself. I hated how closed off I was, but moreover, I hated others because I always felt I was never included. I found myself, time and time again, in relationships that left me feeling like I was always vying for attention. I had to prove that I was worth something for these people to include me and since I didn’t see much worth in myself, they saw right through it.

I see now how this mirror was reflected perfectly.

I expected to be excluded in social situations for most of the life because after one lonesome experience as a child, I gained the belief that I was an outsider. With that belief, I continued to attract more of the same social situations.

Since I was five years old, I have attracted friend groups of three into my life – the perfect number for exclusion. With only three people, someone is bound to be a leader, which leaves the other two desperately trying to be seen as the ‘better’ or ‘closer’ friend. I didn’t admit this for a long time, especially while I was involved in these friendships, but the dynamic is almost set in stone. If you’re involved in this type of friend group and you’re rolling your eyes at me, saying your friends are ‘different’, I hear you. You may want me to believe your group is different and while I hope for your sake it is, I challenge you to really sit with this. Think about arguments and fights you’ve had in the past and try to find the core issue. I can almost guarantee the basis is someone feeling left out.

Looking back, I don’t blame a single person for the exclusion I felt. I attracted people who mirrored the things I subconsciously saw in myself. In the physical world, I was placing blame on them when in reality, we were a perfect match for each other.

 

That’s how relationships begin by the way – two people coming together by vibration. You cannot attract someone into your life that is not a vibrational match to you.

 

You may be thinking – ‘Kim, I’m a relatively positive person, so why the hell do I have so many negative people in my life? Why does it seem like no one sees life the way I see it?’

Well, the answer is simple. You still have some daunting core beliefs.

On the surface, you may be this positive, free-loving thinker who loves animals, earth, and all things sunshine and rainbows yet when you were three, Mom yelled at you for coloring on the walls.

 

How could you have been that stupid? What made you think that was okay?

In your three-year-old mind, you were having the time of your life. You had so many colors coming together, your trees looked beautiful, and wow – you were proud of yourself!

But wait, Mom just told me I was stupid. I was wrong. That what I thought was okay was actually a terrible idea.

 

Fast forward to now – you see yourself as this free-spirit, much like your three-year-old self, but deep down, you still believe your ideas are stupid.

 

You state your opinion, but not too much.

You sing, but only in the shower.

You doodle, but buying a sketch pad seems like a silly concept.

 

You don’t believe in yourself because in your three years of life, one of the most important people in it told you that you shouldn’t.

I know this sounds ridiculous – how does drawing on the walls lead to a life of scorn, but trust me when I say, our childhood beliefs can do a hell of a lot of damage.

Through you subconsciously not believing in yourself, you will attract people who are negative – the ones who doubt your ideas and neglect to empower you in any way. You’re a perfect match to them because maybe in their experience, they grew up believing in a lot. They saw life as this place of mass opportunity only for that ideal to be crushed. They take pleasure in shooting people like you down much like they were torn down in the past.

Seeing relationships in this light has changed my life in more ways than I can count.

While my physical self may still get upset with others or feel pain, my higher self knows I was a match to these experiences.

 

Your thoughts will always manifest into your reality and more often than not, this is through people.

 

I know this can be a lot to wrap your head around, so whatever emotion is coming up for you right now, I ask that you be with it. I ask that you grab your arm, stroke it perhaps, and let yourself know you’re here for YOU. You are not running away from the emotion, but deciding to fully immerse yourself in it.

The reason suffering goes on for much longer than it needs to is because of our need to suppress it. We don’t want to feel a negative emotion, but in the process of abandoning our feelings, we abandon ourselves as well. Think of three-year-old you, struggling with the very same emotion, and imagine leaving him/her alone. A terrible thought, right?

You would hold that child. You would stay with them until they felt better.

 

We need to do the very same thing for ourselves as adults.

 

Through our love for ourselves and our desire to nurture this very life we came into, our experience becomes a little lighter. The dots start to connect in a way we’ve never seen before.

Stroke your arm. Hug your side. Look in the mirror and full-on smile at yourself.

This is the life you’ve been given. This is the body you were meant to experience it through.

So all I ask is, what are you going to do with it?