On Putting The Pieces Back Together

I stay being intimidated.

Whether it be starting one of these posts, trying a new routine, going after a new job. I come up with all these ideas in my head of what I want to pursue but when the moment comes to act, I freeze or run away from it all.

I’ve spent the majority of 2019 being unhappy.

While last year I spoke on how nice it felt to go with the flow daily, I never thought I’d get to a point where I stopped going after anything at all. I hate everything about my current routines and yet, I do nothing to change them. I let myself sit, stir, and get upset. I let myself feel like a failure when I know that isn’t the case.

I know I never lost myself because in the end, that’s impossible. You can never lose who you are because every version of yourself is still you. The person I am now behaves totally different than who I was two years ago and somehow I’ve convinced myself that makes me broken.

I just turned twenty-three on the 14th.

From a very young age, I’ve always been told I’m an old soul. I’ve been told I have a good head on my shoulders or I’m in a good place for my age. As the years begin to trickle in, I start to get nervous that I’m no longer going to be that young ‘wise’ girl. I’m going to reach a growth stunt and fall off this path I so eloquently followed until this point.

See, I type all of this out and immediately know it’s all bullshit. I know I’m only 23. I know I’m romanticizing some version of myself that, at the time, had a complete set of issues all her own.

There’s times where I wonder what would have happened if I never left my old job. I continued on this path of solitude and never fell out of any of spiritual practices. Thing is, I still remember how miserable that girl was. While externally I was doing everything ‘right’, nothing felt more wrong.

I sit here now and think about all the hobbies I lost when in actuality, I see why things went the way they did. If I stayed in my comfort zone of aloneness forever, I wouldn’t grow in this outside world. We need others in our lives to practice the things we learn. To learn how to love, to give, to receive, the whole of what it means to connect with this universe we inhabit.

I may not spend three hours on self-care every morning anymore, but I sleep better than I ever have. I’m constantly well-rested which gives my body the chance it heal itself physically every night whilst also giving myself a mental break.

I don’t focus on exercise routines or eating plans anymore, but I’ve never felt more comfortable in my body. I still eat a plant-based diet three years later, but ordering take out every once in a while doesn’t bring up disordered thoughts like it would in 2017. I feel at peace with it all.

Despite how healing spiritual talks and meditation can be, I know I needed to get outside of my own head. Letting myself develop a social life instead of constantly working on myself may have led me to a much less disciplined life, but thing is, I didn’t realize how stir crazy I was.

Without my routines, I would completely lose it. I lost any sense of stability I felt in my life because things weren’t under my control. I didn’t see until after I let some habits go how much I hid behind them.

It’s good to journal when you need to, but writing out multiple pages each day is asking to dissect your life. You follow the events of your days like a story rather than living them. I look back at old journals and I see twenty pages of the same issue go on over the course of a week or two rather than letting things sink in a bit, then writing.

I have work notebooks of quotes from ten books rather than engrossing myself in a truly good one.

I miss when working out felt exciting to me, but sometimes you’re just in a different season of life. I want to find my groove with it again, but in a way I know is reasonable for me. No more 6am workouts or a two-hour round trip to take a spin class. It’s not that serious nor does it need to be.

Honestly I can see in my words that I’m not too attached to these things anymore yet I still feel like I’m supposed to be.

My social life has simmered down a bit so with more time to myself again, I feel stuck hence why I’ve spent a lot of this year so confused on what to do. It’s been difficult for me to start anything new, but I feel a desperate desire for change. I don’t do well in life when my days all look the same anymore. I need that feeling of ‘who knows what could happen today’ to be able to get out of bed early rather than rush to get to work.

 

I need more play in my life again, more wonder.

 

Sometimes you don’t know where to start, but if you don’t start at all, you end up worse because of it. Getting stuck isn’t hard when you’re doing nothing to pull yourself out of it.

However, forcing ourselves to change because we believe there’s something wrong with us won’t end much better. You need to be okay with where you are and who you are before anything remotely life-changing can even enter your vicinity.

There’s nothing wrong with us if we feel off or stuck. We didn’t fall off a path or fail ourselves. The thought of craving something new is only that – a thought. You go to where you are and now you’re ready for what comes next. Feeling tired of the life you’re living doesn’t mean you made wrong choices, you simply outgrew something that felt right for you in the past.

We’re not only souls that keep growing, but souls that WANT to keep growing. It’s our sole purpose for existing in the body we call home. We’re living out life experiences that our soul was looking to find growth in. There are no mistakes. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right now.

If that feels terrible, have comfort in knowing nothing lasts forever. You can live through the same problems so many times before you’re ready to do something about them. Without the bad, we’d never know the good.

If you’re content right now, rejoice in that. You did that. You got yourself to where you are and you get to continue doing the things that have you jumping out of bed.

Six months in, 2019 has me feeling like the former. I’m not satisfied with where I am, but I know that’s only going to make things so much sweeter when the stars begin to align. All I can do is make little choices every day that make a difference.

Eat the foods that light me up, apply for new jobs, take a workout class, have a movie night with the boyfriend, spend time with the family, anything that feels good to act on.

When you take the day as it comes and see what you’re called to, you’d be surprised how every little choice makes up the whole of your life.

You can’t get to the big moments without the little ones on your side.

 

In the end, things always have a way of piecing together.

As the year continues on, so will the puzzle of life.

If we gradually pick up some pieces and see what fits, the overwhelming pile in front of us begins to dissipate.

Instead of an outline with no center, we start to recognize the things inside the frame. The flow of the picture finds us again.

The pieces will always be there, sure, but without any attempt to pick them up, we’ll always find ourselves tripping over the mess.

Don’t let the puzzle of 2019 stay untouched nor go at it expecting to immediately see the whole picture.

All you need is the nudge to pick up a piece and try and try again. It’s in that small shred of willingness that we’re led down paths we never knew could be possible for us.

Through every up and down, we’re set up to start again.

Find the value in the new and come December, think – where might your puzzle be?