Well guys, it’s been two months.
Two months of no posts, no journaling, not much of anything creative really.
I’d like to say I’ve been too busy to write but truth is, I could have made time if I really wanted to. So instead of blaming my absence on a lack of opportunity, I more so didn’t know what to say.
2019 has been one of the strangest years when it comes to my life. So much has changed in such a short period of time and while I’d like to say I’m happy as a whole, we know I don’t lie here.
I’m happy that I’ve allowed myself to grow by entering an actual relationship rather than pursuing fruitless encounters. I see my worth when it comes to men a lot more than I used to and for that, I am grateful.
That’s been the growth I’ve clung to this year. Every time I feel like I’m at a halt and haven’t been taking proper care of myself, I give myself that nugget to hold on to.
For a couple of weeks this month, I had a second job. I thought getting a second serving job would make me feel more financially stable and productive (given my lack of direction this year) but it ultimately ended because it was nowhere near close to what I thought I wanted.
For the past while, I’ve told myself I’m going to stick to the restaurant industry since it is easy money and it keeps me financially afloat. Yet, after working in a more by-the-book, corporate restaurant environment, I realized how much I don’t enjoy the job. Even though I’ve been in customer service for seven years, I’ve found that serving is the most taxing on my anxiety levels.
In the coming weeks, the restaurant I work at is undergoing renovations and an identity switch which not only puts a hole in my wallet, but leaves me wondering what to do next. I see myself staying for a bit when the new spot opens, but I’m feeling stagnant in my work life. I feel like I’ve done all the basic customer service jobs in the book without any sense of direction where to turn next. Even if I had attended college as planned, the only thing that really interested me there was psychology.
That remains the only common theme throughout my life that has kept me hooked. Even before I dove deep in to my writing and spiritual journey back in 2016, I’d always been interested in the human experience. I like learning the in’s and out’s of who I am because in turn, it helps me relate to other people whilst keeping my relationship with myself cared for.
I’ve been reading more recently since the release of Mark Manson’s new book, Everything is Fucked: A Book About Hope.
While I still find Subtle Art to be the superior book, I’ve found Manson’s blog posts to also be a source of wisdom.
I read one titled ‘Screw Finding Your Passion’ which, in a span of only a few minutes, had me realizing the epitome of my problems this year.
In my eyes, 2019 has solely been a year of learning what it means to be in a relationship with someone. That’s the only thing I have to show for because the rest of my life has felt completely off from the start.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to rise early, exercise, write, read, do yoga, dive in to new hobbies, anything at all really. It’s been a year of auto pilot hence why my blog has been a graveyard for its entirety. I’ve had nothing to share because my mind has been a cluster of the same ten thoughts. Nothing new.
In Manson’s post, he says how many of us continue to search for the thing that will light our lives up when in truth, we’re already aware of the thing we should be doing.
Often enough, we try to force ourselves in to a box of what we think we should be doing.
We head off to college picking majors we feel will progress us.
We stay in relationships that look good on paper despite our lack of excitement.
We try a new business venture and tell ourselves this is our ticket to success without having an ounce of passion for what we believe will make us successful.
Everything we do, we’re doing in hopes to pursue some everlasting stability and happiness in our lives.
Thing is, many of us have things in our lives that already make us feel that way.
We look at little things in our lives that we think we might be good at and force ourselves through it when all we need to do is tap in to the things that come to us effortlessly.
I’ve told myself for a while now that cosmetology school may be a path to take. In actuality, I really only enjoy makeup and the beauty industry for my own pleasure. If serving at a restaurant can spike my anxiety, I can only imagine how doing someone’s makeup or hair would make me feel.
So while makeup may be a strength of mine in one aspect, the industry as a whole is not something that comes effortless to me.
I don’t know exactly what my vice fits in to. I enjoy growing my spiritual practice/mental understanding through reading and videos, writing, and using what I learn to educate others as well.
When my mind doesn’t feel stimulated, my life feels off, and I believe that’s what has been missing this year. I kept trying to place blame on a lack of motivation and less time when all I’ve been doing is flooding my mind with all the wrong things.
I tell myself I’m not doing enough when it comes to my health or creative endeavors, but without a well-endowed mind, nothing else makes sense. Without a balanced core, the rest of life is just static.
So, instead of looking for all the ways to change my life or fill in the mental gaps, I’m looking to focus more on education. On keeping my mind alive with reading, notes, the whole sha-bang.
The book in front of me right now just came in the mail; Falling Awake by Jon Kabat-Zinn.
A book on mindfulness in everyday life. Simple enough, but with a good author comes new ideas to age old concepts.
As this new journey of immersing myself back in to the spiritual world, I’m ready to see the domino effect that unfolds.
Writing has always come to me more with a book in hand, so while I’m making no promises, I can only hope I feel re-inspired to write in all the ways I used to.
In the grand scheme of it all, I’m excited for what life holds despite my tendency of lost and found.
Every phase I’ve undergone has only left me more ready for the next, so here’s to the time to come.
I’m hoping for a page turner.
Love it!