The internet can be an invasive place.

Just now, I was browsing my YouTube subscriptions when a clip from the show ‘Skins’ showed up in my recommend. I’ve only seen roughly two episodes of the show, so not sure why it appeared, let alone a clip with Cassie.

If you’ve seen the show, you’ll know the character Cassie struggled with an eating disorder, much like myself. The clip that popped up was a scene where Cassie taught Sid ‘how not to eat.’

Basically, she goes through a process to appear like she is eating around others when she isn’t. It mainly consists of countless conversation distractions to get the focus off of her.

The scariest part?

About 90% of the YouTube comments consisted of people either saying ‘this taught me how not to eat’ or ‘I still do this to this day.’

I started thinking about my own social habits around food and something hit me. I’m no different.

I believe Cassie struggled with anorexia (haven’t seen the full show, so don’t quote me here) and while I’ve dealt with more of the binge side of things, we both have some pretty fucked up habits around food.

Just tonight, I came to a realization. I get extremely uncomfortable when others see what I am eating.

I live at home with about six other people and every time I prepare food, I practically hover over it so no one can see. I dread the moment someone asks questions about what I eat or stares at the food for a second too long. I feel embarrassed over the portion size mostly.

I eat a plant-based lifestyle, so I tend to need more food due to the lower caloric intake, but to others, my portions can look massive. We live in a society the sees a small plate of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables as the ‘healthy’ dinner so when I’m loaded up on potatoes, rice, and a large amount of veggies and hummus, I feel like a lard.

I instantly feel like others are judging my food and internally thinking ‘no wonder she gained a bunch of weight.’

I hate admitting all of this, but at the same time, I need to. As I touched on in my eating disorder story, my recovery is still very much in progress. I’m not as healed as I led myself to believe.

 

So, I’m starting a diary series.

 

A series where I can lay out my thoughts on food, body image, and dealing with relapse thoughts as I try to move past my disorder. It won’t be pretty and certainly not my proudest moments, but in my heart, I know someone needs this.

In the midst of my binging, I practically tore through the internet in search of other people dealing with my issue. I found a lot of content on anorexia and bulimia, but binge eating seemed to be in the dark. I felt like either something was wrong with me or my disorder actually wasn’t a problem at all.

This is for the people who need someone to help them along their recovery. It’s been three years and even though I’ve come a long way, there is still a ways to go.

 

To be completely blunt with you, I relapsed a month ago after not binging for over a year. That became the catalyst for trying to work through these body image issues I didn’t realize I still carried. 

 

My depression and anxiety levels were at an all-time high in June, so that may be where the binging stemmed from. Nonetheless, my relationship with food has continued to be rocky.

I’ve developed an orthorexic mindset. In my mind, I’ve created ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. The moment I eat a ‘bad’ one, I find myself immediately in the mirror staring at my stomach. I have this layer of lower ab fat that has stuck with me for years and it is the first place to carry bloat.

I try not to let it bother me, but fuck. Insecurities can eat you alive if you let them.

I don’t know how these diaries are going to unfold, but my hope is that while I find inner peace, you will along with me.

We are worth more than the way we can shape our bodies. My mind knows this and my emotions are bound to catch up with time.

Recovery is a process and I won’t rush myself through it – one day at a time.

If you need someone to reach out to about this, feel free to email me: kim@lustforgrowth.com.

I know we can overcome this. It’s hard right now, but time is truly the most healing thing on the planet. This too will pass.

I love you all. See you soon.