As the days go on, my mind is shot. I’m stressed, overwhelmed, you know, wondering the point of it all.
When I have time to myself, I feel free. I’m completely aligned with the Universe and nothing can break the connection. But you see, once I enter back into reality, I’m thrown off.
Suddenly, I say things I don’t mean. I pile up my plate with a million things to do and beat myself up for not getting it all done. I run around like a mad woman only to come home, collapse to the floor, and tell myself ‘tomorrow will be a better day.’
That has been my life for most of 2017.
Reality, home, reality, home. Rinse, recycle, repeat. It’s a cycle that’s been hard to break.
So, this past weekend, I decided to get real with myself.
I pulled out my notebook and wrote out absolutely everything that causes me pain on a daily basis, holding nothing back.
From my mind wandering to gossip as socialization, trying to complete every work task possible in a span of eight hours, shutting out meditation for Netflix, and either sleeping a ton to avoid my life or not sleeping at all to prolong ‘me’ time.
I sat there with my list of bad habits and let it sink in. I know these habits don’t serve me, so why do I continue to do them?
Well, I turn to gossip because then the focus is off of me. I’m insecure in my own life, so I tend to project that insecurity through bad-mouthing others. Most of the time, I don’t even agree with what I am saying. The thoughts flow out before I can even second guess them.
When it comes to my work load, I’ve always been the type to put pressure on myself. In my mind, I need to do everything because I’m looking for validation that I am a good worker. In turn, I stress myself out with every little task to where I’ll blank on much larger issues. This only makes me feel worse.
I stop with meditation because after a long day, I don’t want to be in touch with myself. I want to watch a show and worry about someone else’s problems for a while. I know that meditation is beneficial, but my weekday self hardly cares. She just wants to drown out the clouds in her head.
With sleep, I never feel like I’m getting enough. I’ll go to bed at 9 ‘o clock and still feel exhausted, so my mind tells me to just enjoy the late night quiet time. Once I hit about noon though, the crash settles in. All I want to do is nap when I get home and once I get up, the workday cycle repeats. I don’t want to waste my life away sleeping yet I’ve never felt more physically exhausted.
We get it, Kim, you’re having a hard time.
I don’t lay this all on you to complain, but to explain.
You see, the thing is, the reason I’ve been struggling so much this year is because I’ve let go of my values. I couldn’t even tell you what they were. Well, until yesterday.
I know most of us are aware of ‘values’ and the fact nearly every human being carries them, however, let me elaborate.
Value (n): a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
Bingo.
One’s judgment of what is important in life – that’s where the problem lied.
The reason I feel incredible when I’m alone is because I’m not compromising my values for anything or anyone. I’m completely myself and at ease.
So, by figuring out how I spent my alone time, I came to a few conclusions.
I value taking care of myself.
When I write, read, meditate, exercise, and get adequate sleep, I feel on top of the world. During the week, all I do is sleep unhealthy amounts and binge tv shows because I’m ‘too tired’ for anything else. It’s no wonder I feel like crap all the time; I’m completely out of touch with taking care of myself.
I value my creativity.
When I nourish my writing, work on this blog, and listen to people who spark my inspiration, my artistic side feels free. She’s not locked in a closet anymore and only seen through conveniency. She gets her power back.
I value my health.
This technically falls under the category of ‘taking care of myself’ but I need to reiterate. The days where I follow my hunger cues, drink enough water and move my body, everything in my life flows better simultaneously. The mind-body connection is nothing but accurate.
I value my word and authenticity.
By gossiping, playing small in conversation, and saying things I don’t mean, I no longer feel like myself. I’m trying to play up an image of who I am because I don’t feel interesting enough on my own. By speaking up more often and truly being honest with others, no matter what happens, I know I am being true to myself.
These are only a few, but you get the picture.
Most of us believe we’re doing everything in our power to live a good life, but there’s a block.
The Universe is out to get us.
Life is unfair.
Or, we’re getting exactly what we deserve; maybe we aren’t trying hard enough.
Truth is, we are always doing the best we can.
Even on the rough days, we’re still alive. We’re here. Please know you’re doing the best you can.
It’s only when we forget our values that life seems to appear off-course.
Take out a notebook and get ready for some homework. I know, I know, but trust me, this assignment is necessary for your growth.
1) When you feel like crap, what are you doing? What are you saying? Where is all your time going?
2) When you feel like your 100% best self, what are you doing? What are you saying? Where is your time going?
3) If the answers are different, why is that? What causes you to stray away from ‘good day’ activities on the bad days?
4) What values are you breaking on the bad days?
5) Adjust your life accordingly.
Easier said than done, but even doing this assignment alone is a step in the right direction. None of us to deserve to live without the embodiment of our true selves.
So today is the day – take your power back. Sit down, complete the assignment, and completely drain out the clutter in your mind.
We have the capacity to live a life beyond our wildest dreams, but without knowing who we are to the core, those dreams get lost. While we may believe we’re aligning ourselves to receive miracles, our subconscious knows otherwise. It sees the self-sabotage we’ve put on ourselves for far too long; fortunately, that no longer has to be our truth.
By defining our values, we create a catalyst for growth that is far beyond what we thought possible.
Today marks your catalyst.
Do not let it go.