It’s funny. I start a lot of these off with apologizing for my absence which ironically has a lot to do with what I want to talk about today.

I took a step back from writing at the end of October – not just on this site, but in my journals as well. For months, I had been adamant about writing my morning pages, no matter what time I had to be awake. I would wake up at 3am to go through a morning routine of journaling, meditating, breakfast, and getting ready – when I didn’t have work until 7am. I was exhausting myself, so while I was physically doing all of my self-care practices, they were hurting my energy in the end.

I knew the routine wasn’t working because by the time the weekend came around, it was almost impossible to get out of bed. I was throughly exhausted from the lack of sleep and ten-hour days. I spent my weekdays waiting for the weekend, but once the weekend came around, my energy levels were so low that by the time I got them back up, Monday was here.

So, I haven’t been journaling as much. I let myself sleep until 5:00 – 5:30am and focus more on taking in the day as it comes than trying to ‘center’ myself in anticipation. It’s been a relief and my energy finally feels like it is balancing out.

That’s been a theme for me recently – balance. I was talking with my therapist yesterday and it became quite clear to me how much weight I’ve been taking off my shoulders. I used to live in such a state of routine – same morning + night rituals, same foods, same music, same shows. It was all very repetitive.

My mind likes to be in control, almost as much as it strives for perfectionism. I believe that if I can just line everything up perfectly, my life will be a dream – yet I’ve known for a long time that life was never meant to be perfect.

We are wired to have goals and aspirations, but we screw things up when we believe that once we reach them, we’ll reach happiness. We’ll never feel pain again. Our mistakes will be in the past and from this day forward, life will happen according to the plan we so meticulously set out.

This isn’t the case.

You can sit down with yourself and write out absolutely every goal you want to achieve, but recognize that once you achieve them, new desires will always arise. This Universe exists for us to expand because without expansion, there would be no point to existence. We may as well exit this life altogether.

 

Sticking with what we’ve known will always give us the same results – and I wondered why I felt so stagnant. I wasn’t giving the Universe anything new to work with.

 

Going further, the past few weeks have also been a period of relationship reflection.

I spent most of 2016 focused internally a.k.a. telling myself repeatedly how great I was and the only person I needed was myself. If anyone triggered my emotions, I blamed it on them because in my mind, they didn’t have their own shit figured out. They were projecting on to me.

By placing so much blame on others, I distanced myself as a whole. I told myself that no one saw life in the same abstract way and therefore, I didn’t need anyone. Socialization has always been anxiety-ridden for me and through my self-care work, I felt more misunderstood than ever. I kept telling myself the right people would come to me, but internally, I had this wound of never feeling understood.

All of my past relationships, platonic and romantic, had been nothing but triggers to my self-esteem. With this truth, I may have physically been asking for connection, but my inner self knew I wasn’t truly committed to it. I didn’t trust others and to this day, I still struggle to do so.

Despite this, I find myself creating these close but distant friendships with others. I let them in, but not too much. I talk about myself, but only to the degree I think they’ll understand.

I essentially mold my personality into the people I am surrounded by – if I need to be professional at work, that aspect comes out. If I’m around children, my playful side arises. If I’m around someone sarcastic, here comes my joker.

 

A lot of us tend to do this for acceptance. Growing up, we were taught that certain aspects of us were either accepted or intolerable. So, depending on the circumstance, we bring out the side of us that feels most safe. The side that will keep our sense of self protected in our current situation.

 

For myself, I’ve noticed that while I have all these aspects, I have one motive behind them all: to give. Let me explain.

As a child, I was incredibly shy. I still have yet to discover the exact moment it stemmed from, but I know at some point in my childhood, I learned it wasn’t okay to be myself. I developed the belief that others were either better than me or what I had to share wasn’t necessary.

So, with this hell of a self-concept, how was I going to function in this world? How could I get others to accept me because I know my presence alone isn’t enough?

 

Give them what they want. Be the go-to person for everything.

 

If someone needs to vent, let them air it out. You can try to share some personal experiences, but if they’re not receptive, no worries – it wasn’t that interesting anyway. Let them be the focus.

Pay for all the meals, gas, gifts, and over-tip every time. I could have $20 in my bank account and still tip $10 on a five dollar meal. In my mind, if I can give, I will.

It’s not to be this mighty or ‘do-good’ person, but to gain acceptance. I never felt I was enough as I was, so by being the person who is constantly giving, I feel like I am making myself valuable to others.

I don’t let others in often, which is a whole other blog post, but those moments when I do, I always feel like I have to be of value to them. It’s been an exhausting way to live.

This is why apologizing was so ironic at the start of this post – I’m saying sorry for being gone for a bit because I feel like I let others down when I’m not there for them 100% of the time. I know the people who look forward to my posts and when I go on long absences, I get even more anxious about returning. I feel that if I’m not consistent, others will lose value in my words and stop reading altogether. Full fucking circle.

 

Coming to these realizations, I initially felt numb. I felt uncomfortable.

 

How had I been giving so much of myself for so long yet my true connections are slim to none?

 

Well, when I think about what I look for in others, I realized I wasn’t being any of those things. I never said what was on my mind. I was never upfront about what I wanted or needed – I turned to passive-aggression to manipulate others into getting it. I lacked a genuine interest in the lives of others because in my mind, I had already decided that socialization was not safe.

The goal as of late is to slowly branch back into society; to give myself physical proof that connection has been here the whole time, I just turned the other cheek.

To high-five the girl next to me in spin class when the instructor says to do so.

To ask for help when I need it because despite what my past beliefs have told me, others can and will be there for you if you allow them.

To see relationships as a merging of souls for connection, not a transaction of give and receive.

 

You do not have to offer anything other than who you are to be of value to others.

 

I’m learning this more by the day and while I know getting tripped up is inevitable, my awareness of it already brings me steps among where I used to be.

I hope that any of this resonated with you. Writing itself is extremely therapeutic to me, but the idea of others being drawn here to relate on the same things is comforting. That even though we aren’t physically in the room together, you feel heard. You feel understood.

It’s the vulnerability of others growing up that gave me the strength to keep pushing forward, so that’s all I aim to accomplish here. To share what I know and experience in hopes that feeling of relief may overcome you.

I have this deep-seated knowing that my struggles are a part of bigger picture – as a means to help others understand the things no one else can explain.

 

It’s only through the search for knowledge that we can be led to places like this, these words of ease. By seeking the support alone, our lust for life is re-born.

 

I want this to be a community. Do not ever hesitate to reach out to me or anyone you may meet through this site because despite what our belief systems tell us, connection is our fuel. It’s the support of others and this feeling of unity that helps us come back to this feeling of oneness with our surroundings.

I love you all – take care of yourselves today and by doing so, know that by default you are mending those around you. It’s all connected – we’re all connected. Let your nature thrive.