As of late, my mind has been at a war.
You see, for the past year, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to heal my childhood traumas. I’ve learned just how detrimental that time in our life can be; it’s essentially the breeding ground for our belief systems (for more on this, I recommend checking out Teal Swan‘s work.)
I can say whole-heartedly that 2017 has been a year of healing. I’m more emotional than I’ve been in my entire life and while I initially rejected this, I know these emotions need to come through me. Invalidating how you feel is the catalyst for not accepting yourself. You turn against yourself because you’re not where you want to be yet during those times is when you need yourself the most.
Validating how you feel is the first step towards renewal. By honoring your emotions and where you stand, you unknowingly give yourself the encouragement to keep going.
Throughout my life, one of my biggest issues has always been relationships. I never felt understood nor did I have a clue what ‘being intimate’ truly meant. I’ve remained extremely to myself because this is my comfort place. Most of my experiences with others led me to feel suffocated, misunderstood, alone, or flat-out stupid.
I’d morph myself into whatever person needed to be present in conversation.
A crying friend? I broke out the listening skills.
An angry friend? I’d let the anger fuel me as well.
A gossiping friend? The tea practically spilled out of me.
I became a magnet for what every situation needed which only led me to questioning who I truly was.
Once I let a lot of my relationships go, I had the chance to come back to myself fully and in turn, start my self-care practice in 2016.
It was a blessing to practically learn who I was all over again. When I look back on 2016, all I see is a reflection period. I finally felt that I had my feet firmly grounded.
However, 2017 has been proven to be a year of integration. A year of putting all my spiritual/self-care practices to work; a year of trying to re-enter society.
It’s proven to be more of a challenge than expected.
You see, you think you know and love yourself, but when the Universe presents you with the same assignments and you respond how you always have, you get discouraged.
Let me explain.
For example, in my case, I have trouble getting close to others. It feels wrong, uncomfortable, and the weight on my shoulders could easily be a brick house.
That’s how it has been for the past three years, but since I’ve been so dedicated to loving myself, I thought I was ready. I thought I could throw myself back out there and let someone in with open arms.
So, this month, I tried to let someone new in. I opened the door and originally, all was well. I felt uneasy, but I chalked it up to my ego trying to sabotage.
Long story short, these past three weeks have been a special kind of hell. I had never felt more inauthentic or suffocated in my entire life. I spent days just laying in bed trying to avoid the outside world which I hadn’t done in months. I stopped getting ready. I abandoned routines I loved. I felt discouraged to exercise and write altogether.
This is where the conflict comes in – resistance vs. feelings.
When it comes to feeling connected to the Universe, we all have an inner compass – our feelings. If we do or say something that is aligned with our truest self, we feel good. When we go against our true nature, we feel bad. Simple enough, right?
Well, what about resistance?
As I’ve already explained, I have a long-stretching issue with relationships. There’s a wound within me that I have yet to heal, so when it comes to getting close to others, I still shut down. I recognize this is resistance and of course I don’t want to hold on to it. I want to work through it hence why I tried to let someone new into my life.
So, while this last month already had me feeling terrible, I also fell into a spell of confusion.
I have resistance to relationships and I also recognize that good/bad feelings are a direct compass to how connected I am to the Universe. By trying to face my resistance, I thought that meant I was connected because I was trying to do right by myself. However, the feelings proved otherwise.
I felt terrible, disconnected, and more closed off than ever. So, even though I thought I was helping myself, I had to set this new person loose – just like how I’ve done in the past.
My ego wants to see this as a failure. It wants to see it as a step backwards. My intuition feels otherwise.
I’ve never felt more light. I woke up today with a new sense of opportunity and that, my friends, is connection.
It’s good to recognize your resistance and see where your inner problems lie, but forcing yourself through the battle when you’re not ready is not a recipe for growth. You ultimately set yourself up for self-destruction.
So, as for now, I’m accepting where I am. I’m following the thoughts and choices that make me feel good regardless of how much ‘progress’ I’m making when it comes to my emotional triggers.
Life is not meant to be a heavy burden every single day. Those of us who get caught up in the self-help world are constantly looking for growth and transformation almost to the point of torture. We face our pains daily because we want to move past them, but you can’t force a transformation before it is meant to happen. We need to trust that the Universe is unfolding our lives in the perfect manner.
Most of us want to rush to the part where we are healed and past our traumas when in reality, the healing never stops. There is never an end destination to reach because life itself is the destination.
New fears will arise in us just as new joys will show up as well.
Think of life as a teeter totter. You have to come down only to push yourself back up again and the ride is never consistent. You never stay in the same place for too long.
Don’t get too caught up on everything you need to heal or being the perfect self-help practitioner – focus more on your feelings, day by day.
Our feelings hold the truth of where we are in connection to who we truly are, so please, do not let them go unnoticed. Be with them.
You’ll find, as time goes on, they hold more answers than we could have ever anticipated.