Hey strangers.

I wasn’t expecting to be gone for two weeks, but like I mentioned before, I’m only writing when I feel called to do so. Starting a new job has definitely been an adjustment period and I feel like I’m finally finding my bearings again.

If I didn’t say before, I’m now a restaurant server at a hotel.

My previous jobs have been the likes of sales associates and coffee shop managers, so being in the serving industry is definitely a new one. It’s only been three weeks, but I can already tell this is the job that’s meant for me currently. After well over a year of uncertainty when it came to my career, having this newfound security feels like letting go of a breath I’ve held for far too long.

It’s funny how life works out too.

When 2018 began, I told myself I would not pick a job unless I was truly excited about it. I didn’t want to spend my time doing something I didn’t like for the hell of it or a bit of financial freedom. I wanted to be truly excited about what I do.

I wanted to be making significantly more money than before while also having the freedom to move anywhere. Well, take the tips I make from serving and being in the hotel business, I’ve managed to find both. I’ve found a company I can stick with, support myself, and if I decide, transfer to a different location down the line. I’m definitely going to use the travel benefits and scope out other states. First stop? Seattle. So, be on the lookout for travel diaries in the future. I love that I have this site so I can document my entire journey. It’s a time capsule for me and maybe hope for others who need inspiration.

This is the first time since graduating high school that I actually feel like I’m going to be okay without college. Up until this point, I’ve been making close to minimum wage and felt trapped in my state. It seemed like my options were slim and with my high school class all graduating from college this year, it feels a little surreal that I missed out on that experience. However, I know the Universe works in mysterious ways. Sometimes things don’t work out how we expected them to because in the end, what we thought we wanted wasn’t actually what we needed.

I still need to write a post on my college drop-out story but to sum it up, I tried a private university right after high school and couldn’t afford it in the end. A year later, I tried community college and absolutely hated it.

School has never been my strong suit, but I always thought I would graduate from college. Over time though, I realized how little I wanted out of the college experience. My only interests were psychology or criminology but I knew I didn’t want to be a psychologist or dive in to forensic science. I had interests with no idea what to do with them especially on a scholarly level.

It wasn’t until I fully accepted not attending school that I really started to commit to myself. It’s when I found the self-help field, began writing, went vegan, and ultimately, started to do everything I could to live out my best life.

 

It’s when I began to love myself for the first time and stopped seeing myself as a victim to the world around me. My depression didn’t feel so final anymore. I had hope.

 

However, with everything seeming to line up, I still felt lost when it came to a job. I wanted financial security while also not feeling suffocated by what I did. I wanted a job that felt like an addition to my life, not a detriment.

I tried to stay with my coffee shop job for as long as I could. I respect the people there immensely, but in my heart, I knew I had to move on. The pay was stagnant, I couldn’t grow in the way I wanted anymore, and most of all, the company was local. It would keep me in a state that I’ve wanted to leave for years now.

I spent two months wondering about what to do next.

I didn’t know how I could manage to find a high-paying job while simultaneously be able to move out-of-state. I also didn’t want a management job anymore because those positions aren’t the best fit for me. They hinder me pretty bad emotionally.

When I got the call for a job interview about the hotel serving job, I didn’t think much of it. It had been two months of no work and I was going a bit stir crazy, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

 

I didn’t realize how much of a perfect fit it was.

 

With servers making most of their money from tips, the pay is far from stagnant – check.

It’s a hotel with locations all around the country I could transfer to after a couple of years – check.

It’s in a team environment and I would no longer be in charge – check.

Plus, I’m in an area close to where people my age hang out. A chance to actually be more social? –check.

 

It’s blown my mind how perfect it all seems.

It shows to me though that everything is always lining up behind the scenes. We can’t try to control the outcome of everything but rather, get clear about what we want and step back and allow it to happen.

 

But, this wouldn’t be a typical Kim post if I didn’t touch on the emotions that came up for me these past two weeks.

 

While I’m happy as hell that my job situation is finally resolved, I have definitely had a couple of days where I was nothing but miserable.

I’ve dealt with social anxiety for most of my life. While I always like to tell myself I’m over it, new social situations always prove to be challenging at first.

The first few days of work were good, great even, but I hit this point where I thought the newness of me was over and people would get bored of me. Like I stated earlier, my goal was to have a job that added to my life and didn’t sacrifice from it. So, I told myself going in that I would focus on my authenticity. I would be who I was regardless of how other people reacted.

At the start, this was going great. I felt empowered and like people were seeing me for who I was. However, the first day where my mood was a bit off and I had to work was challenging. I had been watching some Teal Swan videos that touched on resentment and forgiveness. There’s been a cloud over my head for a long time regarding what did/didn’t happened as I was raised. I know my parents absolutely did the best they could yet there are issues that still lie with me.

 

I was having a day where all I wanted to do was work on these issues; a day to write, watch, and read my way through them. But, I had to work. I had to put the realizations I was having on hold.

 

I went to work and instantly didn’t feel like myself. Some asked if I was okay and while I was, there was still this underlying issue I was dealing with at home. It had to have been my fifth or sixth day so dropping a ‘oh, I’m just dealing with a lot of past resentment and trying to heal it’ feels a little much.

This resulted in me feeling like I was shutting parts of myself down a.k.a. being inauthentic. It bothered me because I knew this wasn’t my plan going in to a new job. I wanted to be as myself as possible yet I didn’t want these people to have a distorted view of me from the get-go.

I ended up having a day similar to this only a day or two later which had me questioning if I chose the right job. See, in the right state of mind, I see all of the great benefits of this new job like I dove in to in the beginning. However, when you’re in the midst of negative emotion, you begin to question all of it. You want to find the reason you’re feeling so upset and fix it.

I ended up going on a Teal Swan forum. It’s a safe space where people can write topics about an issue they’re having and other people try to help. I had never posted on the forum, but read it from time to time. I didn’t know where else to get answers from people who shared the same mindset as me.

 

I asked, ‘How can I fully feel my negative emotions when I’m stuck around other people/at work?’ and the discussion actually ended up taking a swift turn.

 

You see, my biggest concern in life right now is feeling my emotions. I’ve avoided them for so long that when anything triggers me now, I want to immerse myself in it. I don’t want to shut myself down anymore. The fact that I had to put on a facade at work made me feel like I was invalidating my negative emotions.

Thing is, as the people in the forum so kindly pointed out, it had less to do with the job and more to do with me.

The readers asked me to vent about what I felt like I couldn’t share at work and in the end, I realized my issue wasn’t that I wasn’t able to feel my negative emotions, it’s that I was afraid of others’ perceptions of me.

If my only issue was I wanted to feel my emotions/be authentic, I would have just said what was on my mind because I wouldn’t have thought twice about outside opinions. It’s the fact that I believed others wouldn’t accept me if they truly knew the inner workings of my mind. I was getting angry about being in a place where I ‘couldn’t’ be authentic when the only thing preventing me was myself.

Shortly after this conclusion, I realized I also had an issue with codependency.

Earlier this year, I wrote a post basically shitting on myself for being selfish. I went on about how I only acted in my own best interests and didn’t care about others. I realize now that I don’t act selfish in the way you would think.

 

When it comes to other people, I only believe they’ll keep me around if I am valuable to them in some way. I have to offer something for them to want to be associated with me.

 

At my past jobs, I have always been the person who never calls out. I’ll pick up other people’s shifts.  I’ll stay late. I’ll do 10x the amount of work as my equals and won’t question why. I think the more I do and offer, the more indispensable I’ll be.

In relationships, I’ll offer to pay the bill. I’ll get the Uber. I’ll give the rides. I’ll drive out your way so you don’t have to come to me. I’ll give gifts to people who never give them to me. Again, the more I do and offer, the more valuable I’ll be to them.

 

So, where does the selfishness come in?

 

I don’t do these things for other people. I do it for my own self-concept.

 

I tell myself, if I do all of these ‘good’ things, I am a good person. If I let someone down or don’t offer to help when physically I can, that’s when I’m being selfish.

I already found myself offering to pick up shifts at my new job and wondering if they’re going to call me in on my day off. I’ve found myself doing my best to be helpful to my co-workers even when they don’t ask for it.

It took this long for it to click, but holy shit, I have this innate need to be good and well-liked.

 

Everything I’ve done in my relationships, personal and professional, has been based on this need.

 

This is why I’ve felt drained by jobs in the past. I put the pressure on myself to do everything in return for validation that I did a good job.

This is the main reason I can’t commit romantically to people.

They’ll be attracted to me and I’ll have fun with it, but if they try to get to know me further, I close up immediately. They text me or ask to hang out which sends me down one of two spirals.

Either they only want me for my looks or what I can give them, which is easy for me to comply with. Or, they actually want to get to know me which feels nothing but uncomfortable – I don’t know why they would want me without any string attached.

Typing that out, and I’m sure you reading it, sounds ludicrous. It’s easy to say that ‘you’re worthy on your own’ or ‘you only need to be loved for who you are’ when in actuality, there is a belief system you developed that says otherwise.

 

Recognizing these codependent patterns is only one step towards healing this wound.

 

I’ve seen the word codependent for years in this field, but never thought it could actually relate to me. I thought it was for the people who need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. Truth is, codependency is any layer of need to get approval from others. Whether it be a partner, friends, family or even everyday people you meet.

I look for my worth in what I can do or give, not who I am alone. Worth is not something to be found – it is innately within you. It can’t be lost. Forgotten, yes, but never lost.

So, this has been a major mind blow to me recently. If it weren’t for that forum, I don’t think I would have realized just how much I still cared what others thought. For those living in authenticity, there are no places that are off-limits. I don’t have to shut down who I am in fear of others’ reactions. I like who I am and whether or not someone else does cannot change that.

 

All I can do is try.

 

Make the choice to say how I truly feel, not the airbrushed answer.

Before I do something for someone else, ask myself the reason behind it – Am I looking for validation or is this something I truly want to do?

And as the days go on, I see my worth rising to the surface.

I see myself understanding that I do not need to be everything to everyone to receive love. I do not need to give only to give more to a never-ending well of ‘do-good’ behavior.

I am not what I do. My value is not inherent of what I do.

It’s only when I fully realize this that my walls against authenticity will ever cease to exist.