As of late, I’ve found myself at a crossroads.

On one end, I see the rising potential of the person I could be.

On the latter, I find myself staring in the mirror wondering if that person is even in my reach anymore.

It’s strange to say the least because I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with life at all currently. I have my off moments, as we saw last week, but all in all, everything feels much easier lately. I don’t wake up with a need to be productive anymore. I used to walk around this world with nothing but intrusive thoughts.

They told me the best time to wake up, the workouts that could change the game, the foods to eat, the books to read, the routines I needed to keep up with. The list could go on for pages, but all in all, I never used to experience much of my life. I was a passenger on a ride who did everything she thought was right and in the end, I never made it to any destination. My momentum did nothing but burn me to a crisp.

It’s those memories that make me wonder why I miss who I used to be at all. I look back to last summer and my god, I might have been checking everything off my to do list, but I was one lonely girl. My day job had me exhausted and in whatever free time I did have, I spent it alone focusing on self-care. I read Abraham Hicks, wrote daily, juiced regularly, and took up spinning a few times a week. I went to bed early. I had one or two close friends, but spent almost none of my time with them. I spent so much time preparing to live in the world without actually being a part of it.

I sound like a broken record because I’ve touched on this all before, but when I look at the past few months, I can’t help but recognize the differences. It’s just past midnight on Thursday as I’m writing this and this will be the first time I go to sleep in my bed at a normal hour all week, if I even do. I got home around 5am two days this week, didn’t come home last night, and earlier? I woke up at 6pm. It’s safe to say sleep isn’t a thing tonight, but I work at 9am – I’m hoping for an hour or two.

I looked through my photos on my phone a few nights ago and the amount of memories I’ve made in 2018 is insane so far. I have almost double the photos I took last year and we’re only in June, not to mention these photos are more than just book excerpts in my room.

I look at how different my life could’ve been had I not taken my server job back in February and it blows my mind. I just spent the past few hours cracking up in a co-worker group chat and it makes me feel warm inside to know I have all of these amazing people around me now. It’s the first time since I moved to my new home four years ago that I’ve found any sense of belonging. I found it briefly at my old job, but only in the beginning. Once I got promoted after a year and a half, everything shifted and I felt like everything I did was wrong there. I felt like an outcast.

Now, I make more than I ever have with such great people around me.

Yes, I no longer go to sleep at 10pm. I don’t go to 7am spin classes. I eat fries instead of drinking juice. I actually enjoy not being sober which if you read my birthday post last year is fucking wild.

I’ve exposed myself to people and places that I never once thought would cross my path.

Everything feels a lot more day-to-day than a life plan I’m following. I’ve never had a desire to have my life all figured out especially since I didn’t go to college, but that used to bother me. I felt like the odd one out because I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. For the past two years, my go-to answer has been something with writing but even then, I have no idea what I want my writing to be. I don’t know where I want to go with it. I just know I enjoy doing it.

It’s when I have those bad nights or wake up hungover as hell that I revert back to my old ways of thinking – that if I was the person I used to be, I wouldn’t feel like this. If I could get myself back on track, I’d feel good again. I’d be productive. I’d actually be working towards something rather than fucking around not knowing what I’m doing. I’ve even told myself a few times that I have no business writing this blog now because I don’t feel like a poster child for self-help anymore.

Yet what I’m starting to realize is that I was never much of a poster child for it in the first place. I may have done all of the ‘right’ things in the name of self-care but I was miserable. If I’ve learned anything it’s that you can look externally for ways to make you feel better or you can sit there and recognize every answer you need is already inside of you.

Whether I’m drunk and out at 2am or laying in bed at 10pm, the answers are still there for me to access.

 

It’s not about living correctly to have a successful life, but treating every day you wake up as a success and doing what you will with it.

 

The moment I started to care less about what the future holds, everything got easier.

I don’t want to live for the future. I want to live for the now.

It’s something I’ve preached for years and yet the concept is only beginning to stick. I used to look at living in the now as this out of reach ideal that only ascended masters could reach, but truth is, we all have access to it.

The way I see it is this – living in misery now for hopes of a better future is a contradiction.

This is all due to the law of attraction.

The law of attraction is something I haven’t talked about in a while, but I believe it’s because I’ve learned all I could from it. It’s less of a lesson now, but a fact of life for me.

So, per the law of attraction, you attract what you are. If you approach life with the idea that you have to struggle now to get to where you want to be, you’re focused on the struggle. Therefore, you’re focused on the lack of having what you want and you can’t attract anything you don’t think is truly possible for you.

That’s the difference between people who struggle and make it and those who struggle for the majority of their lives.

If you struggle but know with every ounce of your being that your dreams are possible, you will make it there. You don’t see the struggle as painful even if it is because you know you’re headed in the right direction. It’s that inner feeling that everything is happening for the right reasons, even the pain.

When you struggle for a better future but still lack the belief your circumstances could change, that’s when it feels like you’re in a never-ending loop of hell. The struggle never ends because you can’t foresee an end to it. You never believe life is truly on your side.

While having future goals can be a good motivator, the moment you look at where you are as terrible in comparison is where shit hits the fan. It’s why I could never lose weight, keep friends, or feel like anything I did was enough. I always looked at my current circumstances as a means to an end.

 

I don’t worry about the intricate details of life anymore.

 

I wake up and live each moment doing what I would like to do. Some mornings, I still do my same old morning routine of writing and yoga. Others, I meditate as I shower, do my makeup, and I’m out the door. It all depends on the moment and how I’m feeling.

I go out at night even if I work early if it feels good to do so. I say no and come home even if I’m off the next day if I’m not feeling it.

I can eat vegan junk now and not worry too much about it. I’m still very body conscious, but after almost four years of dealing with body issues, I’m learning to accept my insecurities. Instead of trying to get rid of my body image problems altogether, I let them tell me what they need to tell me. I’ve found the more I resist those thoughts and try to drown them with healthy eating, the worse I feel. I can’t heal every wound overnight, but with living day-by-day, I’m accepting that these thoughts will come up if they’re meant to that day. I’m not in the midst of my eating disorder anymore and that alone feels like a miracle.

Also, when it comes to the moment, I’m trying to live out my romantic encounters in the same light.

It’s been two or so years of trying to figure out my issues with love and while they still exist, I’m no longer making a huge deal out of it. I know enough about my romantic history to know my patterns. I know why I go for emotionally unavailable men. I know why I have a codependent nature. I know that many good men exist out there for me and I continue to sell myself short.

I know these things, but alas, I’m done with the stigma I’ve put around it. I’m not as broken as I make myself out to be. I may put myself in to situations that aren’t the best for me, but at least now I recognize it. Plus, with each person I spend time with, I end up learning a shit ton about myself in relation to other people. I see myself trip up over silly things. I see myself close up around certain people and speak freely around others. I see the things I’m willing to share and the parts of myself I hide.

Regardless of how good or bad the scenarios I put myself in are, it’s an experience nonetheless. For the past year I’ve told myself how all I want is a good and healthy relationship when truth be told, my state of mind still isn’t there. I still shut the good ones out. I still place myself with people who ultimately leave me feeling less than.

If we’re being honest tonight, I want to touch on a pattern that I’ve participated in since I was about 17 – I’ve continued to make myself the ‘other’ woman.

While in every encounter, the man involved wasn’t technically with another girl, either the woman was sleeping with him as well or they had just broken up. I’m not going to lay out each specific time, but as of now, I’ve been the ‘other’ girl in three separate cases.

It’s a terrible feeling mostly because relationships and I don’t mix at all. I’ve ruined actual friendships or even potential ones for the lust of what could happen with someone else. I’m not asking for sympathy here because I know very well that these girls have every reason for being upset with me – that might be the worst part.

When you mess with someone else’s significant other, it’s a nail in the coffin for any trust that person could have had for you.

I’m hoping my most recent case is the final time I’ll ever do this to myself because the level of guilt that follows doesn’t tend to leave unless you leave the person.

You can tell yourself a million times you were just going with your gut and it felt right, but truth be told, you still know you hurt someone else in the process.

It just feels ironic that I’ve turned in to such a home wrecker when I have no relationship history to show for it. I come in, stir the pot, and ultimately nothing comes of the ‘relationships’ I put myself in. Again, we don’t know what we don’t know and we don’t put ourselves in situations to hurt ourselves. If we knew pain would come of our decisions, we would make different choices.

My excuse each time is I thought this person was different and it would be worth losing the friendship for a chance at actual intimacy (considering that’s been my biggest struggle thus far) but the cards have never fallen in my favor.

 

In reality, you can’t hurt someone else without also hurting yourself.

 

I don’t see a relationship playing out in my favor until I can learn to love someone without all of the drama and games that come with it, until the presence of the other person alone is enough for me.

But alas, I am where I am now. I’m still in the midst of learning from my current scenario. I’m just grateful I’m not where I was a year ago. I felt nothing but heartbroken and forgotten about. Now, I feel more in control than ever of my love life. I have the power to create my reality and even if I’m in less than ideal circumstances now, I’m still doing pretty okay. Waking up doesn’t feel painful anymore. I’m excited to see where not only this love lesson takes me, but where life takes me in general.

I still have moments where I’m driving after a long night and see other people running or smiling and wonder if I’m doing life all wrong. I sit there and think about my past self, the one who used to attach herself to part of the ‘put-together’ crowd. It feels like a slap in the face, but then I remember that being in that crowd couldn’t have made me that happy. If it did, I never would’ve left. I wouldn’t feel as light about life as I do now.

 

I’d rather have a lot of great little moments than build up to a ‘great’ life that is never guaranteed.

 

Because thing is, I’m still the girl I used to be. I still love a lot of the same things. My sense of humor and life experiences are still very much alive.

The only part that died was the girl telling me I needed to accomplish such and such to be happy.

Accomplishments and accolades aren’t the purpose of our life.

 

It’s the moments you’re sitting there with the people you care about just taking in your surroundings. It’s meeting new people on a night you almost didn’t go out. It’s going for a drive with no set destination in mind, just rolled down windows and blaring tunes.

 

No professional title, amount of money, or goal weight will ever equal what the little moments can bring you.

Recognize this, I mean fully recognize it, and there is no telling what life can bring you.

The second you stop caring about how it all plays out is the epitome of freedom. Nothing matters anymore and not in a sense of pessimism, but purpose.

The purpose of life no longer equates to who you are and what you can offer, but in how life can touch you.

It’s only in knowing that touch that our lives become anything worth experiencing.