I still remember the day a family friend grabbed my arm. It was right around Christmas time and I was making a nice, warm cup of Donut Shop coffee.
“Putting on some meat, are we?”
He grabbed my bicep and in that moment, my fear was true. My weight gain suddenly became all too real.
You see, in high school, I was actually a pretty lanky girl. I was tall and didn’t have a curve to my body, however, I began carrying a bit of body fat after graduation. Looking back, it was nothing much, but the moment my arm was grabbed, I suddenly became too aware of my own body.
I never liked my arms. They always felt a little bigger than most girls my weight and after that moment, I hardly wore shirts that displayed them for all to see. I began hiding in long sleeves and cardigans.
I went up to my room that night and downloaded a popular app: MyFitnessPal. For those who are unfamiliar, the app acts as a food tracker. You set up your profile to meet your weight goals and in turn, it gives you a set number of calories, carbs, fat, and protein to consume. I was instantly hooked. I finally felt I had a grasp on my body.
So, the tracking began.
Before bed, I would plan out my meals down to the portion size. I would attempt to hit my macros as closely as possible.
In the beginning, everything felt so innocent. I was a newly graduated 18-year-old girl trying to live a healthier lifestyle. What could go wrong?
Well, by March, I knew something was off. I hadn’t felt full in almost three months.
If I could skip breakfast, I would. Not eating suddenly became an accomplishment for me. I figured, the less I ate, the faster the weight would come off.
Thing is, my body became scared. It no longer trusted me to provide food so just like that, I entered starvation mode on an everyday basis. I could stick to my ‘schedule’ throughout the day, but once night rolled around, I lost control.
My mind couldn’t focus on anything but food.
I thought of the birthday cake in the fridge, the slices of white bread my inner child missed, and even putting half n’ half in my coffee. Either I could eat a ‘health’ food or nothing at all – my mind was warped.
They began at night.
The binges.
I would wait until my household was asleep before I tiptoed down to the kitchen. Either I would load up the largest dinner plate I could find or stuff my face over the trashcan.
I ate jars of peanut butter, sandwiches, Oreo cookies, cake, trail mix, slices of cheese, ice cream, and everything in between. Basically if I restricted it at any point, you bet I binged on it.
I’d devour all this food in under ten minutes; I don’t think I chewed a food more than twice before swallowing.
You see, I didn’t think this was a real problem. I boiled it down to my lack of self-control.
I saw myself as a fat girl who couldn’t stick to a plan. I’d run back up to my room in tears over my actions, lay in bed, and decide that tomorrow, I would finally get it together. Tonight was the final straw.
I would binge again not even two nights later.
I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. Why could other people diet and get results when I ended up bloated and depressed? I’m planning accordingly, so why can’t I stick to it?
My binging went on for most of 2015, but once Fall rolled around, I thought I had finally found my solution: exercise.
I bought an indoor bike and that became my new vice. I’d cycle for an hour or more and grinned as I watched the ‘calories burned’ go up. I thought of all the food I could now afford to eat.
Eating became easier because I was allowing myself more calories. The binges stopped for most of October and I felt crazy for thinking I had an eating problem in the first place.
Fast forward to November and my schedule became swamped. I lost time for exercise, so I was forced to go back to my old calorie/macro limit. The binging came back and once it hit December, a year after I started tracking, I hit an all time low. I felt defeated.
So, I made the decision to stop tracking and delete MyFitnessPal. My life was a living hell over food and I couldn’t do it anymore.
The first week was hard. I was still terrified to eat and even though I wasn’t consciously tracking, I had most nutrition labels memorized. I couldn’t distance myself from the numbers so in turn, my binging continued.
I searched the internet for ways to stop binging once and for all and while I found some uplifting content, I still found myself constantly in front of the mirror. My body felt like nothing more than a prison.
In January, I started to embrace intuitive eating.
The premise behind the lifestyle is to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full, simple enough, right?
Well, while it felt great to slowly distance myself from the numbers, I couldn’t let go of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. The moment I ate a cookie or a social event presented itself, the binge mindset came back.
Around April, I made a surprising decision: I went vegan – completely overnight.
I had slowly started cutting meat out of my diet due to documentaries, but also, a lot of my favorite YouTube creators had started embracing the diet. If anyone was in the fitness/vlog community during 2016, you’ll know that the vegan lifestyle blew up – it felt like everyone was going vegan.
I thought I would try it out due to the hype, however, a lot of recovered binge eaters have also credited veganism to saving them. The main reason? The myth is you can eat as much as you want on a whole-food vegan diet and not gain any weight. To my binge mindset, this sounded like heaven.
So, on April 13th, 2016, my vegan journey began.
The first month took a bit of adjustment, but after that, I felt free. I no longer cared about the numbers because I knew I was eating the right foods.
Starting off, I ate large portions. Gigantic actually.
I let myself go crazy because for over a year, restriction was all I knew. I deserved the right to enjoy my food again.
As months went on, my body began to trust me again, so the portions were smaller. I didn’t feel the need to eat as much because my body knew I would feed it again and with as much as it wanted.
As much as I wish I could tie the story off here in a pretty bow, that isn’t the case.
Yes, I am still vegan to this day and credit it for saving me from my eating disorder, but my body image issue continues to linger. I’ve realized this more in the past month than I have over the past year.
I don’t feel connected to food numbers anymore, let alone my weight, but when I look in the mirror, I still feel frustrated.
I start multiple exercise plans that inevitably get pushed aside or maybe I eat one bloating food and suddenly, I’m right back in my disordered mindset. I could be eating all the right foods, but the fact my body doesn’t reflect that eats away at me.
I’ve found that over the past year, I still try to control my eating times. If I miss breakfast or don’t eat for twelve hours, I get excited. On the days I feel nothing but hunger, I’ll let myself eat, but ultimately end up in bed contemplating the amount of food I’ve consumed. I suddenly get caught up in the ‘carbs, fat, protein’ of it all.
Also, I continue to have a hard time going out to eat. I hate not knowing exactly how my food is prepared or the amount of oil or sauce that goes into it. I’m still very attached to making my own meals which in turn has led to a lot less social interaction.
While I still stand by the vegan lifestyle, I realize now I’ve been using it as a crutch.
I use it as an excuse to only eat healthy foods, avoid social events with food, and hide my food thoughts from others. The most people ever question is how I live without cheese, the thought that I might be in a disordered head space doesn’t even cross their mind.
I can’t say I’ll be doing better tomorrow, or even next month, but the fact I recognize this at all has to be a step in the right direction.
I refuse to let my life be ruled by food or exercise anymore. I am more than just a body.
As I’m writing this, it is a cozy Sunday evening.
I tend to use Sundays for reflection and today was no different. From this moment on, I’ve decided I am taking my power back.
As Katie Dalebout would say, we need to focus on making our lives a masterpiece, not just our bodies.
I want to eat foods that make me feel good, move my body in a way that lights me up, and smile on the other side of this journey.
I bit the bullet and bought myself a lovely spin class membership. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but never felt ready or prepared. I didn’t trust myself to commit to anything let alone exercise around other people. Tomorrow, that changes.
I deserve this. I deserve to be in an environment that not only nourishes my body but my mind as well. I am ready to move my body because of how it will make me feel on the inside, not just the exterior.
Tomorrow, I will eat the foods I desire, when I desire. I will no longer eat according to a schedule or try to control my hunger; I recognize now my body knows what it needs.
While I’m feeling inspired tonight, I know I’m bound to have rough patches along this journey. Hell, the past three years have been full of ups and downs, but I’m finally feel like I’m starting to come out the other side.
We are more than the food we eat and the bodies we’ve been told to be, it is time to be free.
It is time to let go and embrace the new.
This journey has been hell and if you’ve been down a similar path, please know I am right along side you. You are not alone in this. Body image is a struggle that not many of us like to admit, but by doing so, you release it. You open the wound and through that, the healing can begin.
A quick disclaimer – I know I cannot possibly know your journey, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. We are all on our own path to recovery and by sharing my story, my only intention is to help you or anyone else feel a little less alone. No matter how different or similar our stories may seem, know that I am here for you.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to: kim@lustforgrowth.com. I love you all. Stay strong. xo